Why I Do Not Want To Have Babies After Two Years Of Marriage

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Good day Admin.

I am a 38 years old woman. I got married to my husband when I was 36. I was not really into marriage. So I was not the desperate type. Even when my family,friends,everyone was pestering me about marriage,I didn’t care cos I was happy,living my life,happy  and fulfilled.

By God’s grace,I am an accomplished woman. I have a thriving career. I have a house of my own and I have a masters while I am pursuing my PHD. I gave in to marriage when I met my husband through a friend that set up the match making. My husband,let us call him John,was and still is,a real estate developer. He is a divorcee but he doesn’t have any child from his ex wife.

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I grew to like him and when he proposed,I agreed to marry him. Unfortunately,I didn’t get to meet his people until our marriage ceremonies. Both of us are adults and we didn’t think it was a big deal. John is over 40 years. But soon after my wedding,my mother in-law began to show herself. It was obvious that she didn’t like me. This makes me even suspect that she was the reason behind the first marriage crashing. Even though my husband said,it crashed cos they realized that they were not compatible. They quarreled a lot until they divorced.

Well, this woman came to visit us shortly after our marriage and refused to leave even after one month. I didn’t mind but for her constant nagging. She complains that I am not a homely wife. That I love my career more than my home. She would curse me and call me names. I was horrified but I tried to keep my cool. When I told my husband,he brushed it aside and asked me to be the bigger person by ignoring the mother.

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Eventually she left but anytime she calls,she insults me and says that I should be thinking of having a baby instead of focusing so much on my career. That was when I told her to mind her business and stop calling me. That didn’t go well with her and she told her son who told me I shouldn’t cut off his mother.

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Well,I ignored them both until my mother in law made a statement in a text message she sent me a few months ago. After calling me useless and all sorts of name in the text,she then goes to say that if I ever have a child,she would take the child and ensure that her son drives me away. That statement made me go crazy. I called her and told her off. That caused a serious problem between me and my husband . Who as usual,instead of correcting his mom and defending me,goes the way of saying:be the bigger person….I am fed up of his behavior.

He says,in their culture,a child does not confront a parent!…I think that is BS!. His attitude is giving me serious cause of worry. Much as I would like to have a child,I have serious hesitation with bringing a child into a home like this. So,I have not been actively trying for a baby. Its been two years. Everyone is getting impatient that I am yet to be pregnant. But as for me,I am not bothered. I am not even trying to have a baby.This is not the type of home to raise a child.

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My mother says I should have a child cos the child will bring peace. But with my husband’s mother’s threat,I am not so sure. Coupled with my husband’s inability to address the issue. My husband does not know that I am on protection. And I am not about to go off protection until I am sure of the situation.

But I am writing cos I need your advise.If you were in my shoes,what would you do? I would like to have a child someday cos I love children but I am not sure of the future of this marriage. Having a child in an unhappy or broken home is not my idea. My mother keeps crying every day that my ‘biological clock’ is ticking. That I am being paranoid and selfish. Of course,she is thinking of her grandchildren more than my happiness.

I am exhausted. What should I do? should I have a baby or wait?…or maybe I should even start thinking of ending this marriage?…clearly,the man I call my husband cares more about his mother than he cares about me…

Please advise me.

 

Jessica,

Kenya

Photo Credit: Nordica Fertility Centre

 

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4 COMMENTS

  1. Hello Jessica,

    First,do not keep secrets from your husband,no matter how he reacts. Tell him you are off the pills. He needs to know that and the reason why.

    If you feel that having a baby now is a bad idea..then discuss with him and let him see reasons. If he fails to reason with you like you have said,then pray about it.

    Its your marriage,no one can tell you what to do. Pray about it and let God guide you. If you feel unsafe or insecure in the marriage,do what God leads you to do,do not let pressure drive you

    I really hope your husband comes around. At least,if he was more supportive,this shouldn’t be an issue.

    Please pray and God will guide you.

    Cheers!

  2. Yes your husband cares more about his mother than you. And obviously, his mother was the cause of the break up of his last marriage.
    However, i don’t think you should postpone having a child because of their attitude. You need a child of you own, if for nothing, at least have a child for yourself.
    If you feel you don’t want to have a child in such situation, then tell your husband about it. If he doesn’t do anything about it which I doubt he will, then you have to decide whether to accept the situation like that and have your children in it or quit for your sanity and peace of mind. The choice is yours.

  3. Hi Jessica,

    If you didn’t mention He had been divorced before, the below would have been my advice:

    Don’t let the enemy steal your joy. You are married to your husband not His mum, aside from the issue with His mum, He loves you, please go ahead and have your baby, nobody can take your baby away from you, His mum is old, she can pass on anytime, you have a lot of years ahead of you to enjoy with your husband and kids, some men find it difficult to manage situations with their mum and wife, a number of women deal with this kind of situation too.

    However, it is painful hearing all those negative remarks from His mum, so be prayerful and try to get a neutral Godly elderly person your husband respects to let him see reason to protect you…. e.g. control / stop her visits if she continues to be verbally abusive.

    On the part of your mum in law, she really wants a grandchild, she is concerned her son is getting older, in her time women took care of the home front while men went to work, she is accessing the situation with the standards she grew up with, possibly hardship in the past and pains has affected her perception but please remember she is still your mum … in law and raised her son, with all the effort and sacrifice she had to put in to help him become the man he is today, please make room in your heart for her, when things settle, after baby comes you can send her some gifts.

    Your biological mum is concerned about age, as it is generally easier to give birth, recover and raise kids and enjoy them younger ( hence the Psalmist said ‘O satisfy us EARLY with thy mercy that we may rejoice and be glad all our days’ Ps 90:14) and older women have a higher probability of having children with certain conditions plus the joy of motherhood is indescribable, but it is your decision and husbands to make.

    A question though, did you not meet His mum at all before your wedding? Also, you say your husband divorced His ex on grounds of incompatibility, only??? How does this scripture play out in all of this
    ’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery’ Matthew 5:32

    All the best.

  4. To add Jessica, for the pain please ask the holy Spirit to take away the hurt, it may take a while to go. Delete messages from her that hurts, please don’t dwell on any negative utterance from the past, they do not define you, avoid hearing new ones.

    If your mum in law comes to your home again, keep trying to avoid confrontations, whenever things are heated up, and you may have an outburst, slip away from the situation, go to the gymn etc.

    If you can, try to give her little treats like taking her for a pedicure and occasionally getting her something she may like with a smile. Let her see you take care of your husband (vice versa), food for her and him etc.

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