Saturday, December 7, 2019
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Why Good Girls Love Bad Boys:I Am Stuck In Love – Please Advise!

Hello LS,
I need an advice because I feel stuck and I am tired of fighting.
I met Yaya  (not real name) in  my new place of work. He liked me and started flirting with me, eventually, we had s*x (which I wasn’t proud of because I know premarital s*x is wrong and not an ideal lifestyle for a true Christian and has been abstaining from it) and decided not to indulge in again.

As time went on, he told me he loves me but can’t date me right now because his life is in a mess(so many personal and family issues) which he didn’t divulge to me at the moment.

Yaya and I remained friends at work, went for lunch breaks together and always seen together( we are jokingly called couples)In the space of one month of being close to him, we eventually started dating and I found out a lot of things about him.

I learnt he lies a lot, and that he lied about his age, (he is 28, same age with me but he lied that he is 33 and his reason is that he didn’t want me to dump him because he is my age mate).

Yaya has an addiction for porn, masturbates,(which he is fighting)smokes weed,prefers a s*xual relationship,doesn’t go to church and I hate all of these.

I also found out he has such a good heart, he cant hurt a fly, infact he has the heart of a child. He forgives so easily and cant stand a quarrel, he would always want to talk to me first and make peace with you when we have a misunderstanding,even when I try to ignore him.

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Yaya is equally very humble and smart,humane with a very good singing voice…. and all these good qualities I fell for, especially his heart.The problem is, I can’t stand his addictions and I have not been able to love him past his bad side(especially the smoking weed habit).
I have told him how I hated it and would want him to stop and he would promise to but he continues. I have preached and advised him but no avail, I have also stopped talking to him a couple of times because of it but he will always beg me to come back to his life as if his life depends on me and promise to change, which he never does( he is  only deceiving me to see if I can accept him that way but I cant)
At a point, I even threatened to report him to his Father but it didn’t help. When I couldn’t stand it anymore, I reported to HR of the company about (though I didn’t mention names) some colleagues smoking within the company premises’
That made the company run random drug test which made Yaya stop smoking for a while and at work so he doesn’t test positive but he still does when he is not at work.I have been patient with him, praying and hoping he would change and become a better man for me but I am not seeing that yet.
He doesn’t want to quit smoking weed,(he doesn’t see anything wrong with it) not even for my sake and yet he professes he loves me so much and would want me to be the mother of his kids.
 I love him and I hate him at same time, he is not the kind of man I prayed for(because of his bad sides),he has lured me into pre-marital s*x couple of times (which I regret after each act).
Sometimes when praying and asking God for forgiveness, I ask why He let our paths cross?
Why He let me love trapped with a person with a lifestyle I hate.
It’s not like I can’t break up with him and move on but it will be difficult because we share the same space at work, and he won’t stop trying to get me back which will make it obvious to other colleagues that I am ignoring him.
A friend suggested I ignore his smoking weed habit since he is faithful to me, not a drunkard and cares a lot about me, but what if he graduates to using drugs? I can’t accept a weed smoker as a husband or as the father of my children.
Please ma, how do I get out of this, it’s causing me great concern and it makes me cry, I wish God will bless me with the man of my desire.
I will be expecting your reply.
Aisha(Not real name)
Kaduna
Photo Credit:Favim
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

1 COMMENT

  1. Hello Aisha,

    The matter at hand requires your very strong will to make a change in your live life. Thank God you know this guy is not suitable for you. You need to instill some discipline on your part,you need to cut all ties with him. He needs help and except you are a therapist..you cannot help him.

    Habits like porn addiction,masturbation and weed smoking is not a joke….in fact …its a huge struggle and takes years for a serious person to finally overcome it.

    If you need help staying away from him,just watch videos of addicts so that the pictures will be en-grained in your memory the hurt and pain of being or living with an addict.

    Cut away from him. Ask for a transfer or better still, look for another job. You owe yourself to not be yoked with him or else you would destroy your life. Many lives have been destroyed by this kinds of habits. You cannot help him. You are not a therapist or a psychiatrist. Let him go. Block his line. Avoid him at all cost.

    Get busy doing other stuff so you wont be thinking about him or falling for his lies. He lies cos he cannot help it.That is how addicts behave. Lies upon lies.

    Until he checks into a rehab and gets help for like a year or two ….he cannot be totally clean…except of course by a miracle.

    My dear…you do not need to feel stuck…no one tied you to him…..its time to save yourself before he takes you down with him.

    what are you going to do?

    I wish you all the best.

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