Friday, October 18, 2019
Home Advice We Both Have Our Issues But Can We Still Get Married?

We Both Have Our Issues But Can We Still Get Married?

Dear Ma,

What should I do? I have anxiety and I need prayers. My fiance and I have been together for almost four years now. We are so much in love. He proposed to me just after three months of dating. But things were not working out for us.

For me,he is an only son and he behaves spoilt sometimes. Like,if we have a misunderstanding,he will just block me and ignore me. Its worse when he is wrong,he does not like to apologize. I blame his parents,they made him feel so special as an only son among five girls.

For him,he complains that I have a bad temper and I am too overbearing. I am sorry but his behavior does not help,I want him to take  charge as the man of the relationship but he will not take any decision until I make him do. He is mentally lazy sometimes. It frustrates me.

This has been going on for three years. We broke up in the first year of dating but he came back begging and crying that his life is nothing without me. I admit,he can be sweet to me too. I just wish he was not so,like I don’t care attitude towards my feelings.

We almost broke up a second time last year because of this challenges. But he keeps saying he will work on himself and that if I leave him,he will kill himself. He was joking sha when he said that.Even his mother is begging me not to leave him,that I am what her son needs.

But to be honest,I feel like his big sister or mother sometimes. I have to shout or be very persuasive for him to take certain actions. Like,I set up a business meeting for him to meet a very big client and he almost didn’t make it that day,he kept complaining that he cannot meet up someone by 9am. But that is when the client was ready to meet him…

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He eventually got the deal after I chased him to do everything to get the deal. I think the client even considered him for my sake. After everything,he will say I am too pushy or bossy when all I want is for him to step up.

I am a very independent woman. Someone you would call a strong woman. A goal getter. I need my man to be the same as me or even more than me. Someone as  ambitious or even more ambitious. I do not want to be chasing him when I know he do much more. And sometimes when I do,it make him say I am bossy but he loves that about me…what a,I going to do?

The most painful one is how he ignores my emotions. He does not apologize,he will say that couples are expected to quarrel,that do I expect him to apologize for ever? Later,like a week after I ignore him before he will try to make up by kissing and stuff but to open his mouth to say sorry is like a hard thing for him…

My birthday,if I don’t tell him what I want,he will never use his initiative. But his own birthday,I go over and aboard. I even celebrate his parents and send them cake. They love me but their son is such a jerk. Maybe I indulged too much…if I complain,my friend will say that is how men are…is that really the general behavior of most men?

So that is how we have been surviving our relationship. Don’t get me wrong,most times I am happy in my relationship. My guy loves me and I love him too…I just get really frustrated when we have issues …

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Last month,we had our traditional marriage. Finally! But it was after quarreling and plenty issues. Because of quarrel,he showed up late for our traditional marriage. Got everyone really worried and panicked. I almost fainted,thinking he had abandoned me…he showed up almost 2 hours later and said there was traffic which was a big lie.

If not for his peoples’ begging,the traditional marriage was almost cancelled. He wanted to embarrass me cos we had a slight fight the evening before our traditional wedding.Though he has apologized several times (unlike him o)…but his behavior is giving me cause for worry.

Our white wedding is in two weeks and I am beginning to question my self…is this truly what I want? Can I endure this kind of attitude and behavior when I get married? Because of this,I even want to have a small wedding,maybe even do only court wedding so as not to be embarrassed by this situation.

If this man comes 2 hours late for the white wedding,I am finished.So,now,I am trying my best to control my temper so we do not quarrel before the wedding.Even when he does things to annoy me,I restrain my self. Its like walking on egg shells.

I wish you can understand how I feel. I love this man but he has alot of growing up to do. Do you think we can work it out? He has a good heart…I only wish he was more emotionally.

Please advice me or share online for people assist me  with advice.

 

From Gabriela H

Ikeja GRA

Lagos

 

Photo Credit:Bustle

 

 

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Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

1 COMMENT

  1. Hello Gabriela,

    How you describe your relationship is what seems to be the norm these days for young people in relationships. It does not make it right though..

    But I have seen women who have worked so hard to attain a certain standard of life only to end up with men who are trying to find their own standards. Sometimes,these ladies believe they can change the men or help them come up to their standards…

    This is where the problem is:

    1. You cannot change anyone in a relationship
    2. you cannot expect them to give what they do not have
    3.You should not settle for less than your standards if you are going to be miserable about that

    About your fiance…you have been with him for 4 years…you know him better than we do…what does your gut tell you?Have you been praying about this? Have you been praying for your fiance?Do you see any signs or efforts at doing better over the years?

    My dear,I think you know this decision lies with you…if you think your love for your fiance is big enough to over look his flaws…please go ahead and marry him but you must learn to over look a lot of things in you marriage if you want to be happy.

    If you feel you cannot love him enough with his flaws…then let him go or give him a year or so to decide if he will really make the changes you want him to make….

    But being married by tradition is already being married…I think you need to have a long serious heart to heart talk with your man….

    I hope you both find the courage to make healthy compromises and make your relationship work…..take some time and work on the relationship….work on communication…work on your team work…work on your love language…work on your emotions….be sincere and at the end of the day…do what is best for both of you.

    There is no easy option here…may God guide you my dear.

    God bless.

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