Saturday, December 7, 2019
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Tried Everything To Change My Fiance:He Just Does Not Get Me!

Hello ma,

Please I need your advice. Keep me anonymous ma. I in a relationship and recently got engaged. Specifically on the 4th of September this year.I love my fiance,he is someone that works very hard and I respect him alot.

The only problem I have is that he does not seem romantic. I have been complaining about him not being romantic since we started dating almost two years ago but he keeps telling me that he will improve.

I love that he is trying to improve but to be honest,the rate at which he is improving is tooooooooooo slow. Please understand me,I do not want to be mistaken. I decided to to give him a chance cos I told myself that at least he is honest and does not cheat on me but the more we continue,the more I ask myself if I am doing the right thing.

This issue has been the only issue we quarrel about.He is not aware of my emotional needs. I can be having menstrual pain and if I tell him,he will hardly say sorry,not to talk of showing care. Many times,I wish he takes me out on a date but he rather not. We try and see each other but going out together….no.

Ma,I told him I like to be treated like a queen once in a while…I love to feel spoiled…so,I do same for him. I buy him stuff…I invite him to go to movies etc….he does not want to. He will say he is busy,hustling for our future,etc.

I love to have fun once in a while and to be honest,two years of being in this relationship,the only fun is when we go for a wedding maybe someone invited him… he will not go if I do not force him.

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I am having doubts ma. I am tired of telling him. Maybe that is his true person and he cannot change. I started been friends with someone I met at the Bustop. We exchanged numbers and even though I did not plan to give him attention,I find myself comparing him with my fiance.

Ma,I know it is wrong of me to compare him but what if that is a sign that I maybe making a mistake marrying him? To show you how bad this is,do you know that through out this year,we have not gone out one day but just being friends with this guy I met at the bustop,we have gone to the movies and gone to some restaurants but we are just friends.

I told him I have a fiance. I know he may like me but we agreed to be just friends and he has never behaved appropriately around me. All the time we went out,he does not insist when asking me..he will just say if I am free…

I had to tell my fiance about him hoping that will make him change or feel jealous. My fiance does not even care. He said its ok. I told him I have gone to the movies with the guy,he said ok. He does not even blink. I asked him if he is not jealous,he said he knows me,that I cannot cheat on him which is true.

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However ma,I am tired. How else do you tell a man you love and plan to marry that you need him to see you,to feel you,to pay attention to you….please …my fear is,if I go ahead with the marriage without him changing…will I regret it in future? Will I be able to accept my fate?

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I need your advise ma

 

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Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

1 COMMENT

  1. Hello dear,

    Love has many different shades and colours. Yours may come in a certain way and mine in another way. Sometimes, your idea of how someone should love us will be different from how they think they should love us.

    My advise: you have been with this guy for two years. It is clear how he feels he should love you…it is clear how he shows his love to you….the problem is: he is not loving you the way you want to be loved.

    You can both try counseling. Attend a professional counselling session together. Explore new ways of improving your communication process. Learn each other’s love languages.

    Give him some more time. He may be trying really hard…you need to see and appreciate his efforts.

    Understand that there is no perfect relationship out there. The biggest problem you have today is people comparing their relationships with others.Focus on yours….invest in yours…grow yours….

    If however, you feel strongly that this is a deal breaker for you…please have an loving conversation with your fiance. Explain to him that you cannot marry him cos its a big deal for you to see him as romantic. Perhaps he will change but maybe he will then weigh his options and both of you can decide what is best for both of you: to remain together or go your separate ways.

    I just want you to know that for you to have a successful relationship or marriage: you must learn different ways to love your spouse or partner and learn to look beyond their inability to love you the way you think you should be loved

    If you cannot do the above,then you should not be in a relationship with such people.

    Love is a choice: Its more than a feeling. Before you take any decision,remember you said he is hardworking and honest and he respects you….to him,that is how to love you…he will grow and be better…slowly but surely if he truly loves you.

    Be patient. Stop comparing. Invest in your relationship. Have faith. Teach each other. Read books. Learn and un-learn….keep supporting each other.

    If all above has failed…then let each other go in peace.

    Cheers!

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