Thursday, October 17, 2019
Home Advice To Err Is Human But This Betrayal Is Too Much For Me...

To Err Is Human But This Betrayal Is Too Much For Me To Handle

Dear Jzhane,

I need your advice. So,I am engaged to be married this year. Frank (not real name) and I have been dating for over six years. He is my soul mate and best friend. Our relationship has not always been easy though. There was a time,like two years ago that we broke up for almost eight months. The thing is,at the time,I was in a different space. I had challenges at work and at home,my father was ill and it took a serious toll on me and kind of affected my relationship with Frank.

To me,I felt Frank was not being considerate enough.I guess he did not understand fully what I was going through and I felt he did not offer the kind of support I needed. Mostly,emotional support. I was very irritant and easily annoyed. I eventually broke up with him and it was a very difficult period for me. I lost my job in the process but the good news was that I did not loose my dad too. He recovered and gradually,our lives returned to normal.

Frank and I rekindled our love about 8 months later. We eventually went through the process and I think our love became stronger. Last year,he proposed to me. It was the most romantic proposal. It was in front of my family. He even asked my father for permission to marry me.I was elated. Everyone was happy for us. We had been through so much and it was a happy ending for us..

Or not so happy as it would turn out…Ever since being engaged,its been all about planning for our wedding both traditional and white wedding. And also sending out invites. I sent an invite to all my friends on Whatsapp and naturally,all of them was excited. But my friend,Sarah did not even acknowledge my message. I found that odd and I sent her a personal text. She only replied: Congratulations.

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Sarah and I were friends from school. She lived in y house when she first came to Abuja until she moved to her place. Because she worked in a bank,we did not see often but tried to catch up once in a while. So,I had to call her to ask her why she did not seem as excited at the news of my wedding. Initially,she said,nothing,maybe it was because of work,she was distracted. But when I asked her to pick up her asoebi,she then said she is not sure she can make it.

All these prompted me to ask her to tell me why she is acting as if she is not happy for me. At least,I consider her a very good friend,almost like a sister. She then said,I should ask Frank. That he is not what I know him as. I was shocked. I probed further to get what she was referring to and she told me that when I broke up with Franks two years ago,Frank reached out to her and they dated for four months.

Sarah said she did not mean to date Frank  but Frank was always complaining about how I treated him emotionally and she felt he was miserable and they were kind of seeking comfort from each other but ended up sleeping with each other. Frank ended up making her feel that he loved her and had completely moved on from me but she kept telling him to let me know but he refused. That it was when she found out he was not planning on telling me,she broke up with him.

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Sarah apologized profusely for not telling me sooner. She said she knows she betrayed me but that she thought Frank was truly done with me and when she realized he was just using her as a rebound,she cut it off. She explained that she has moved on but cannot be at the wedding.

This revelation has affected me so much. I called Frank and sat him down,told him what Sarah told me. He went on his knees and said he has been struggling to tell me this for so long. He said he regretted ever doing that. He said he was in a very bad place and he needed comfort,Sarah provided that comfort. He said he realized he was not over with me ,that is why he could not tell me about Sarah and had to come back to me. Frank has been begging and crying. I am still in shock….

As both of them said the same thing,I kind of believe them…I do not think they are lying but why Frank did that and never told me,I am still unable to come to terms with that. I am truly shaken and told Frank I need sometime to process everything. I have not told anyone yet. But my reaction is telling me to walk away. I know I cannot blame Frank for sleeping with someone when we broke up briefly but sleeping with a friend was too much. He could have done so with anyone else and I would have been fine.

This feels like the ultimate betrayal. If you were in my shoes,what would you do? Please post on the platform for others to contribute their suggestions.

Thank you,



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A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J


  1. Hello Onyi,

    So sorry to hear about your situation. Well,its better you found out now than me the pain would have felt worse.

    Finding out about it now gives you an opportunity to evaluate your relationship and decide if its worth moving forward or halting…

    From what you said,I do not think you should actually throw away everything now. You said,Sarah and Frank corroborate each other’s account of what happened…

    So,perhaps,they both actually regret what they did …and just like you were in a bad place…perhaps,Frank too was dealing with the break up really hard too at the time

    It would be good for both of you to attend professional counseling before you get married. There may be some emotional issues that you both need to address…for example:how do both of you cope under extreme pressure and stress…

    For one,you tend to break up during pressure and stress and he went sleeping with your friend to find comfort…

    When you get married and you face stress and pressure,how will both of you cope? Will you end your marriage?

    Ya’ll need professional help. Feel free to call any of our counselling numbers for free counseling.

    I believe you can both get past this..if you truly want to fight and rebuild your trust and relationship.

    I wish you all the best.


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