Monday, August 3, 2020
Home Advice This Marriage Feels Like A Competition-I Am Tired Of Playing Games

This Marriage Feels Like A Competition-I Am Tired Of Playing Games

Hello ma,

Please hide my name and location. I am very upset and I need to talk to someone cos I don’t know what else to do. I have been married for 3 years and I thought things will be better as we been married for these years but it appears to be getting worse.

Sometimes I think my husband loves his mother more than me. I dont think,I know and I can no longer live with it. Ever since we got married,my husband listens more to his mother than me. And if he buys me anything,he must buy her too.

Initially,I did not realize how bad it. I actually thought he was being kind but I realize that it was like a competition now. His parents are wealthy and they live in the same city as us. If my husband buys me a bag,he will buy the same for his mother,if he buys me dress,he must buy for his mother.

Last year,we were planning our vacation,he never mentioned his mother was coming with us until the day we were traveling. I was shocked. That vacation,every picture we took,the mother was there. Everything we did,she was there…its only sleeping together she didn’t do. I swear,if I allowed her,she might also want to sleep in our room.

I asked him why,he said his mother is like his first love. I told him that he needs to see me as his first love and he said : me and his mother are the same in his heart. That is not comforting to hear. Why cant I be first? I swear,he did not display all of these during our 19 months of dating before marriage.

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He calls his mother all the time. The mother wants to know everything happening in our home. When I had my baby,the mother bought an entire container of items for my baby. I am grateful but she uses that opportunity to control my husband.

My mother in-law will be telling my husband that I am not taking care of the baby well. For example,she suggests I use a particular baby product and I say: no ma,my baby is already using this one,she will call my husband and tell him I don’t listen and I do not know how t take care of my own baby.

This has led to so many arguments between me and my husband. I have been trying my best to ignore and her manipulations. But to be honest,I feel like a side chic to my husband and his mother is his wife. My husband says I am over reacting.

Two weeks ago,when the talk of social distancing started,my husband was like,we will go to his parents home for a while. I said no, I do not want to go there. He stated accusing me of wanting to separate him from his family. Am like,am I not your real family now?

I am tired of this fights between me and my husband. It appears he does not want to realize that he is now married and he needs to focus his attention on his new family. I will not compete for my husband’s attention with another woman:his mother.

I told him if he insists on going to his parents place for the lock down,I will travel to the east and stay with my parents too. He said fine:you cant take my child with you. This is where I lost it. My son is 11 months old. Does he expect me to leave him with him and his mother?

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Where did I go wrong here? Am I asking for too much? Why will my husband choose his mother over me? We have not being speaking to each other for the last 2 days cos of this.Tomorrow,is the day he is going to his parents.

Ma,I am not the type of woman to come in-between a man and his family but this marriage feels like its between me and his mother and my husband. Like they dont care about my feelings.

What do I do? I am thinking of running away with my son today. Maybe pretend to be going to get something and run away from there…I am really so sad and upset. what should I do?

 

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Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

5 COMMENTS

  1. It’s unfortunate that I’m just seeing this, but to be candid with you, I would advise you not to follow him at all and don’t go to your own people too. Stay at home with your child and if you’re asked why by your in law with humility and soft voice, tell them that you are not coming and appreciate them for the kind gesture.
    Arrange a meeting with your MIL and tell her your feelings but if you know you are going to be misunderstood, go to one of his siblings and express yourself, if he has none, go to your FIL. He also might not like her attitude but kept mute.
    Above all pray about it. If all these are difficult, talk to your pastor about it. I wish you luck

  2. Hello Madam,
    Firstly, Never come between your husband and his mother so that you want regret your action.
    You have no idea the relationship/closeness between your husband and his mother before you married him, mind you he can be mummy’s boy/mummy’s pet.

    What you need to do is to pay full attention to what makes him close to his mother to the extent that he find it difficult to adjust a little even after marriage….it might be food, caring,attention, gisting, movie, outing and so on.

    Also check your self,is there anything you are not doing right?

    Then start doing what makes him happy if you really needs his attention….creating issue between him and his mother would only add to the problem.

    Your husband need to adjust too, he’s now a mature man and a boy any more, not everything that is happening in his marriage he has to carry his mother along…it’s very wrong.

    Don’t ever try to leave the house, you might not like the outcome.

    May God give you wisdom to do the right thing.

    Stay blessed.

  3. Don’t go either ways especially for the sake of your beby. Stay in your place and don’t bandy words with anyone about your decision. Yes after you have to open up to your flw if he’s still around but in his absence you to to the eldest sister of the family that you get along with. And in doing so, don’t sound like your jealous of their relationship because you can’t separate mother and child love but let them see it in a way that there mother have taking the center stage in your marriage and leaves you with no voice. I don’t agree with you consulting outsider because non can reach her. Also pray more about your husband, be humble and tolerance in all God will come to your salvation. My prayers are with you.

  4. Thanks for reaching out. Is he the only son ,first or the last born ? Is your mother-in-law a widow. This is emotional attachment problem. It’s common with some mother-in-laws especially if she was widowed early. You need wisdom. It’s not a fighting issue. Calmly talk to your husband and let him understand your feelings. Be patient with him. Befriend your mother-in-law, use that opportunity to let her know that you are not happy over her interfering nature. You need wisdom and a good dose of emotional intelligence. Tease your husband playfully and pass your message across. Do you have sister in laws or even your pastor, they can be useful. Diplomacy will win this war without much stress.
    For the village journey, you can feign illness but communicate with mama . She is not your competitor or your enemy. The funny thing is that you repeat the same thing when you become a mother-in-law. Enjoy your home.

  5. Hmmm,

    Interesting opinions from others.

    Here is my take: you failed to study your husband’s family dynamics before marriage cos this did not just start happening. Its obvious the bond between him and his mother. Thing is: there isn’t much you can do about it.

    I think you could try a few things:

    1. Pray about it. Ask God for wisdom to deal with the situation. Ask God to turn your husband’s heart towards you

    2. You should change your strategy. Become his mother’s friend. Be so close intentionally with her that your husband will become jealous of your closeness to her and will want you all by himself.

    Start by buying mama stuff. Call her often, Listen to her blabbing…compliment her looks…take her out,take her shopping…pretend to take her advice,pray for her …refuse to see her as an enemy,convert her to become your ally

    If you do the above,mama will be on your side soon

    3. Try talking to his father or his mentors or respected close friends. Do not talk to him yourself anymore…let them be the ones talking to him anytime something happens. Send him articles related to your situation,he may need to be enlightened about how to be a better man to his wife.

    So my dear…pack your bags and go get ready to have fun in your inlaws place..remember to play the sweet wife to mama.

    Even if they intentionally want to do things to hurt you…do not allow it to get to you.

    It will take a while but your self confidence and determination will make them realize that nothing gets to you and one day ,they will quit trying to make you upset.

    If you cannot do as above..its fine …do you…be you but its going to be pretty hard.

    Only wisdom and time will tell what will happen in future.

    I wish you the strength and courage to hold on and turn things around in your favour.

    God bless

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