Although many experts believe that a majority of marriages today are in distress because of financial reasons, problems with sx and sxuality rank high, too. In fact, the topic of s*x is the number one problem discussed in online relationship forums. It seems easier to talk to a stranger online than to your own partner! These conversations can bring up a log of anxiety in you and cause you to avoid having them altogether. Know that there are some strategies to make these talks easier and you are likely to find it worth the effort.
When Is the Right Time to Talk About S*x Problems?
Do not talk about s*xual problems in your bedroom or at bedtime. Pick a more “neutral” location. Make sure the kids are not in earshot!
Do not talk about sx right after having sx. Again, pick a more “neutral” time as well.
Do not blindside your spouse. If you want to talk about sxual problems, let your spouse know (without placing blame) that you think the two of you need to have a talk about your sxual intimacy. Set up a time to have the talk.
How to Talk About S*x Problems
Have a “soft start” to the conversation. Begin with your goal to feel closer and connected with your spouse. Avoid blaming.
If you do not want to create more problems in your sx life, don’t purchase any sx advice books or s*x toys without discussing the issue with your spouse first.
Talk with one another about your expectations, your fears, your desires, your concerns, and be honest! It is critical to talk about your innermost feelings about this.
Do not be afraid to talk about what you like sxually and what you don’t like. Your comfort level is quite important to a satisfying sx life.
Realize that you may have to have a few conversations and not just one long conversation.
Explore with one another your “s*xual styles.” All couples have these styles or moods at some point in time during their married lives:
Spiritual: This is a union of mind, body, and soul that reflects your deep appreciation of being with one another. It can be created by noticing the small moments in your lives.
Funny: This style is when you can laugh and tease one another in bed. It is about having fun together. There is a light and playful undertone.
Angry: This is making love even when you’re ticked off at each other. This style can be healing. However, be sure that your problems are eventually talked about and resolved.
Lusty: This style is wicked and flirty. You may be giving each other seductive looks or doing a “quickie.” This is also about the joy of having sx just for the sake of sx.
Tender: This style is the gentle, romantic, healing sx that involves massages, light touches, and ministering to one another. You both are into the sensations of sx and focus on giving each other pleasure.
Fantasy: The fantasy style is a collaboration between the two of you to be daring and to experiment a bit. Be careful about sharing your personal s*xual fantasies with one another. If you do decide to share your fantasies with your spouse, the two of you need to set guidelines and honor each other’s limits.
It has been said that “Good lovers are made, not born.” If you truly want your sxual relationship to be all that it can be, you should take the time to talk with one another. Communication is the key to great sx. This conversation is necessary for all couples—whether you are newlyweds or older, long-married couples. Having a healthy s*x life is a great gift and a gift to be enjoyed and nurtured. It is what makes a marriage special—more than just a platonic relationship.
Article updated by Marni Feuerman.