No Love,No Help,No Emotions: Is This How Marriage Is Supposed To Be?

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Good day Ma,

Thank you for taking time to help me. I have been looking foe someone to talk to for some time now. I am a married woman,been married for three years and I have two children. Right now,I need advice on what to do in my marriage. My husband and I dated for almost two years before marriage. We met in church. We were in the same activity group in church. He was a leader in church. It was his passion for the things of God that attracted me to him.

Since we got married,I began to discover some things about him that people in church are not aware of. I suffer serious emotional neglect and lack of understanding from my husband.In church,he is one of the nicest person anyone could meet. He gives the church so much money and assist a lot of people outside financially. But at home,he barely gives me anything. Before I got married,I was working in the bank but I quit my job to take care of my children. My husband is not a poor man. At least I know that because he gives in millions to the church and outsiders. He only gives me like N10 -20k in a week and that is no where enough to take care of the house bills. We used to quarrel about this and I wondered why he treats me this way. He would argue that’s the only money we has.As a result of his behavior,I started a buying and selling business after my second child became 5 months old. I make some money but it is still not enough and my husband wont help me.

Another area I am having issues with is:my husband wont assist me with any house chores and most times I am always tired and I break down from doing all the chores myself. The children can be crying and I am cooking,he will not even offer to assist. Yet he would leave his dirty clothes and plates everywhere floor me to pick up and wash.He asked me to get a house-help which I did but he refused to pay the house help salary and I could not afford it so the house help had to stop. I got a relative,my elder brother’s daughter to come and live with us to assist but she left after two weeks. I am really pained that he does not want to help me.

As Christians,we ought to pray together but he does not want to pray with me. He also has not touched me in almost three months. In fact since I had my second child I can count how many times we slept together.We also don’t talk to each other. He just comes back from work every day,eats his food and goes to sleep everyday. I feel so sad and confused. Every time I try to talk to him,he gets defensive and says that I nag too much. That he is doing everything to make me happy but I am not satisfied.

I don’t want to report him to our pastor in church because of his position. Many will not believe me if I tell them what is happening because he is such a nice man. Please ma,what can I do? I am very unhappy and frustrated. I have asked him to tell me if I offended him in anyway so I can amend my ways but he says there is nothing wrong,yet,things are not getting better but getting worse.

I reached out to you because my friend talks highly of you. Please advice me,what should i do ma?

From Mrs P,

Akoka,Lagos

Photo Credits:Black American Web

4 COMMENTS

  1. Dear Mrs P,

    I am responding to this online so others can see what I already advised you to do.

    You already told me that your husband will not like it if you take the matter to your pastor and he will be unwilling to talk to a counselor. So here is my advice:

    1. Change your strategy of communicating with him. Instead of confronting him and quarreling,leave him alone for now and focus on yourself. Thank God you have a small business. Focus on growing that business so that not too long from now,you can make enough money for your self and do not need to depend on him for money.

    It is obvious he does not want to help financially so you need to step up and take care of yourself and your kids financially.

    2. Start praying for him in a different way. When he is asleep at night,go to the living room and pray for him so you don’t wake everyone else up. Pray for him differently. Pray for God to help him,bless his business,make him a better father,husband. Begin to speak good things that you want to see in your husband.

    Refrain from speaking evil about him no matter how hurt you are. Speak well of him…what you are doing is sowing words that will produce a harvest for you in due season.

    3.Anytime he gives you money,don’t complain. Whatever you can achieve with what he gives you,manage it. This means,you have to cut your cloth according to your material. No extravagant spending. Very prudent spending. Plan your spending. Find opportunities to buy things at a much cheaper rate.

    4. Don’t focus on the negative side of him. Instead celebrate him. When its his birthday or once in a week,make him a favorite dish. Celebrate him. Send him love text messages once or twice in a week.

    5. Get a domestic help to assist you. Pray about this,God will provide help with the finance to pay the help. And please,do what you can,you don’t have to do all the chores. As much as your strength can carry,don’t be too hard on yourself.

    6.Go on family planning. You don’t want to have more children when your financial situation has not changed. Focus on yourself and the kids for now.

    Finally be strong and courageous. It may be hard but what if you didn’t have a husband,wouldn’t you still survive in life? You will make it and be happy if you just be determined.

    You are smart and beautiful,don’t give up….it will end in praise.

  2. Hello Mrs P, i empathise with you on this issue.
    Right off the bat i can almost be certain your hubby’s distracted by another woman, & he’s losing spiritual fervor too.

    There are 2 things you have to do immediately:
    Designate a time to fast & pray for him, & about this situation, say one week, & secondly, after the one week of focused fasting & praying, ask to see your Pastor…you’d be pleasantly surprised at the gravity & intensity of change.

    You see, many times people lose their way in the course of marriage, & their spouses need to stand in the gap for them, to find their way back to the right. Pressure, misunderstandings, even lust, are a few of the causes of this, but their spouses are there to bring them back.

    Your husband isn’t far gone, dear; if he had a heart for God at the start, & is still active in church, then God can still reach him easily & influence him to change his ways…
    It’s mandatory that you do these things i’ve asked of you while he can still be reached in the house of God. If left unchecked, he could eventually leave church & lose respect for spiritual authority which he is presently still influenced by.
    Remember, the heart of a king is in God’s Hands, He turns it however He wishes, & He wishes above all things that you prosper, & be in health, even as your soul prospers…

    Act immediately, designate a week & get into it. The level of importance you’ve attached to your husband & children would reflect in the way you’d pursue a sound solution.

    Once you receive the desires of your heart, pls don’t fail to contact sis Jzhane, so we can rejoice with you, & praise God for another marriage restored!

    I look forward to rejoicing with you Mrs P!

    Remain blessed

  3. Hi Mrs P,

    I think you should speak to a spiritual couple in position of influence in your church above your husband speaking to both the wife and husband at the same time as the wife can understand your pain from a woman’s perspective but don’t talk your husband down as you express your issues but ask them to kindly deal with it privately.

    Aside from that, see advice to each issue raised in bracket

    1) He does not give you enough money

    ( He may not be as rich as you think, maybe he makes big vows in church but has not fulfilled or He has so much to bear and has prioritied external needs above his families need.

    Your Pastors can speak with him also, please go back to full time work or intensify on your business so you can support financially, as much as possible it’s best for a woman to have some earning power to be sure the family is ok in case of any unforeseen circumstances that arise as well).

    2) He does not help with house chores even when kids are crying , won’t pay for help and adds His own chores

    ( He should do something at the least , do what you can , get domestic help which both of you need to support financially, your Pastors wife can give him hints on how to support, also if you can where an opportunity arises e.g. for you to travel home to cater for a sick relative or any reasonable exit, take permission and go but leave the kids and house solely in his care for e.g. for 2/3 days so he can appreciate what you do behind the scene and can be more empathetic and supportive ).

    3) He barely has S.x with you

    ( Pls avoid confrontations, make home and self welcoming and pray)

    4) He does not speak with you or meet your emotional needs.

    ( Pray for him, initiate conversation that engages him, discuss your need with your Pastors wife, plan romantic outings)

    5) He does not pray with you.

    ( Pray for Him and your family and suggest prayer time)

    All the best

  4. If u cnt manage 20k , madam. U cnt manage 100k… Give ur husband space..and let him be…Pray for him if u can…

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