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My Secret & Pain For The Men Who Left Me & Took From Me

Dear Jzhane,

My name is Rose (not real name). I am 38 years old married woman. I have just read your story on trust issues a woman has in her marriage due to her upbringing. I have serious trust issues. Its affecting my life and my marriage but I am coping as much as I can.

The problem started on my 18th year birthday. My parents had separated at the time. My  mother was young,she had me and my brother who was 15 years at that time. So, after her separation from my dad,she tried to move on.

My mother had a boyfriend named Charles (not real name). Uncle Charles as we used to call him was always around in our house. He seemed like a nice person. But my mother never married him cos she said she was done trusting men. My father really hurt her. My mother had my second brother for Uncle Charles.

Back to my 18th birthday. My gave me a very cool birthday party. We were not poor. For my 18th birthday party,my mother threw a ball. She shut down the neighborhood. My party had the most glamorous guests. My friends,my mom’s friends,extended family and even Uncle Charles came with his friend.

I remember always asking Uncle Charles and my mom for a unique birthday present. My mom bought me Car for my 18th birthday. Everyone was so jealous of me. It was a very fun day for me. I was also leaving for University in a few months so I was so happy.

The next day,my mom left quite early for work or a meeting or something,I cant really remember.So when I woke up,she was not there. My brother’s room was downstairs. I found Uncle Charles in my mother’s room sleeping. I greeted him and he called me to sit beside him.

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We chatted about me being 18 and now an adult.He asked me if I was having sex yet.I told him no. He said I am now of legal age so I can have sex. He went ahead to give me some sex lecture so that I could practice safe sex when I wanted to start. I was glad he was teaching me what my mother was too shy to teach me.

Uncle Charles felt the need to show me some porn on the DVD to buttress what he had taught me. I watched with him until he began to touch me. I felt quite paralyzed by his touch. I tried to fight him very feebly. He told me it was not wrong since he was not my biological father.

Uncle Charles took away my virginity that day.When he was through,he was so sorry as I cried and cried. He begged me not to tell my mother. He gave me some drugs which I believe were either contraceptive or sleeping pills. Because I realized I slept all through that day.

When I woke up,I could not tell my mother. I felt ashamed. I was also afraid she would be disappointed in me cos she felt I was still a virgin. Uncle Charles told me when adults have sex,you are not supposed to talk about it …that is why they are adults and I was an adult now so I have to keep whoever I have sex with a secret.

I avoided Uncle Charles until I left for school in the UK. I never really came home from school during holidays. That secret I have kept until this day. I never told anyone. Uncle Charles and my mom separated two years later when my younger brother was 3 years old.

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Till today,my mother keeps talking about how useless men are. And because of my experience,I agreed with her. I never dated men for long. Men always felt uncomfortable around me cos I was always angry at them. My father has never cared to look for me or my brother.

Its like I was angry they took my father away from me and my virginity away. When I started dating my husband,he was a very well brought up man who treated me very special. He was kind and patient with me. He was a true gentleman.

In my marriage,sometimes,issues rise up between us and I react so angrily,that I cringe when my husband wants to make love to me. I feel like he wants to use me and take away from me like the men who did me when I was younger. But then,because he is so kind to me,I try to get over it and move on.

Its been like that with me. I feel better opening up for the the first time. Post my story. I don’t think I will ever tell my mother that my half brother’s father took advantage of me when I was 18. I love my mom and my brother. I want to spare them that pain. But that means it my burden to bear till I die.

I don’t want to feel burdened anymore. That is why I choose to post my story anonymously. I feel a bit better. Please advise me how to cope better with the sudden anger I feel towards my husband sometimes. He is a good man. I love him.

Thank you.






Photo Credit:Goodtheraphy


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A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J


  1. Hello Rose,

    I am so sorry about your dad and step dad and all that you had to go through but my dear:

    I congratulate you on finding the courage to send us your story. You my dear,you are greater than your past…you are a survivor…you are not a victim but a victor…God kept you for a reason…you have and will continue to rise above this…hold on sis…you are stronger than you know…you are made of materials that cannot be broken by any man or any one.

    The good news is that there is complete healing for you. Yes…you have started and it will be perfected.

    But first,you must take a deliberate step. You need to see a therapist. You cannot keep this to yourself alone. Your husband needs to know. You already described him as a good man. I think your secret will be safe with him. He will also help you through the healing process.

    Your anger towards your husband is not fair on him cos he is not the one who wronged you. There is alot of work to do…you need to forgive your dad and step dad. Whether or not you feel they deserve forgiveness or not.

    Forgiving them is the only way to completely free your self from their hold. If you hold it against them…you continue to remain in bondage.

    When you have healed completely from this,you also need to tell your mom. I bet you may be a little angry with her too.But life happens and sometimes we cannot control the challenges that life brings but we can choose to rise above it….so I want you to rise above this….and you can!…I believe in you!

    I want us to continue talking…we are praying for you an routing for you…you will beat this and come out better and stronger…and yes…your story ill help many too.

    Thank you so much…God keep and bless you.


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