Saturday, January 18, 2020
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My Mother Or My Brother-law: Who Is More Important?

Good Morning ma,

I need your advise. Hide my identity. My husband and I live in a two bedroom apartment. We are just starting our lives ,just married for almost 2 years. I had my baby 2 months ago and my mom came to help me.

Having my mother around is a huge blessing because me and my husband both work on the island. Its not easy working in Lagos with a small baby. So,having my mother around is a blessing especially because I had a CS.

We are managing everything well until my husband told me that his elder brother who is in Canada is coming to Nigeria and will be staying for like 3 months so my mother has to leave cos its his elder brother and he cannot share a room with my mother.

First,I thought he was joking cos that was just a mean thing to say knowing that my mother was only living with us just to help us. I did not think he was being considerate but he was like,do I expect him to tell his brother not to come?

Why cant he tell his brother to find alternative accommodation? That was when he made the comment that threw me off:he said,in their tradition,the husband’s family owns the house more than the wife’s family.

This is the first time I am hearing something as archaic as this and I became furious. So,his family is more important than mine in an apartment we both paid for? I told him that will never happen. Cos of that,my husband has not been speaking with me or my mother.

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Jesus Christ…what did I do or where did I go wrong? How can he drive my mother who is helping me? When I asked him what will happen to our baby if my mom leaves,he said we can take the baby to creche. We do not even have money for creche but he says he will pay.

Ma,I am not happy about this, its wrong on all levels. If I tell my mother this,she will never come to my house again for anything. In fact,she will never see my husband the same way again.

What should I do? Is this the kind of man I married? My husband has never given me any reason before to see him as a man who would make this kind of decision. He has said my mom should leave before on the 20th of this month…how do I even tell my mother?

My mom is already sensing something is wrong but I lied to her that its just stress. I don’t want to take my child to creche. I am so angry. What do I do?

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Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

2 COMMENTS

  1. Hello,

    This situation needs wisdom and diplomacy. First, you need to calm down. Your anger will only make things worse.

    Your mother or brother-inlaw: none is more important. Everyone is important. The most important is you and your hubby and baby.

    No matter what happens,do not let extended family members come in-between you and your husband.

    If I were you,I would speak to your husband in a more subtle manner..let him see why you both need your mother around. And if truly the brother has no place to stay when he comes,then he can manage with your mother in the house…maybe he can be sleeping in the sitting room while he keeps his things in the room.

    There is no big deal here. How long is he staying? 2 months?…just be ready to be patient. He can share one room with his brother while you and your mother stay in one room.

    There are families that all live in one room apartment…all hell has not broken loose.

    Be careful…both of you…mind your words and be weary of external influences. Your marriage is young…there are many challenges yet to come…you must make up your mind to face each and every future challenge as a team and overcome them together.

    Your husband and his family are not the enemy. Your husband too needs some maturing to do. Both of you will mature together…I hope and pray so.

    So dear…change your strategy…speak to hubby in a more loving and reassuring tone…let him know why you need your mom around and let both mom and brother in-law know that they have to share…anyone who cannot share…should leave.

    Mother in-laws…good ones,don’t mind sharing since they want to assist the young couple. So,I do not see your mother having a problem with sharing….your husband has to talk to his brother and if he refuses to share….he can pay for hotel or find another relative that he can squat with.

    Do not let this situation bring a rift between you and your husband…..always be a peace maker and maintain positive outlook.

    God bless you.

    Your marriage and peace is more important.

  2. Jzhane, you have solved the problem along in your advice. The wife and her mother in one room and the husband and the brother in one room. Case closed 🤷‍♀️. Meee

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