Sunday, June 7, 2020
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My Marriage Needs Help: I Am Tired Of Pretending-Please Help Me!

Good day ma,

I need your help and advise.My husband and I are having issues. We are both Leaders in church. We are Deacons in church. We help other people,counsel them but no one is aware that our own marriage is on fire.

We have been married for 13 years with 3 children. The problem started like 3 years ago. My husband became more and more busy with his business . I started noticing he was so tired with all these responsibilities that he did not have time for me.

I started complaining that he was not giving me enough time but he did nothing to address the gap that was happening with us. I complained to our Senior pastor,who is like him. That one counseled me to be a support to him instead of complaining.

I got fed up and started to focus on myself and the children.That was how I started masturbating. Now,it has become a horrible habit that is killing us. I did not just start masturbating. Any time I made advances to my husband,he would deny me s*x and say he is tired.

I became suspicious that he is cheating with someone. I started praying to God to save our marriage. I prayed and fasted several days. He would be chatting with the so called ladies that he is counselling. I never seen his phone but his obsession with his phone and the many times he was home later made my suspicion stronger.

He also sends money to different girls. It cannot be just gifts. He is like the father christmas of our church. Anyone who needs anything goes to him. I am happy that God blessed us to be able to bless others but that money now is like a curse.

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In the name of helping people who are needy,people now take advantage of my husband. Abi,he is the one taking advantage. I know he must have slept with some of these girls. Cos,there has been a few rumors here and there. And the girls around the rumors don’t even greet me in church.

Even when we managed to have s*x in like once in a month,it was like a chore. He would come in less than 10 seconds and sleep off. I got really frustrated. I read books on how to communicate better with my husband and I applied some of the things I learnt but none worked.

There was a time,I started making some health foods and drinks to try to help his quick release but my husband refused to take them. I think he just expects me to accept my fate and suffer in silence knowing that I cannot divorce him.

God knows that I am tired. I cry so many times and I wish I could even cheat sometimes but because of God,I will never cheat. The only thing I have is masturbation. I do it so much that I feel so guilty and dirty. I cannot even bring myself to tell anyone of my problem. I feel so ashamed.

And I watch porn too. God save my soul. What am I going to do? If God does not make my husband desire me anymore,how will I control my needs? Its not that I look ugly. I am not boasting but I got a great body. I eat healthy and exercise too to maintain my looks. I get alot of looks from other men when I am in the malls yet my own husband does not look at me.

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I have begged him to forgive me if I wronged him in anyway. But sincerely,I cannot think of any way I have wronged him. I am emotionally tired. We have money,we have friends,children and every other thing people wish for. But our marriage is just a big mess.

Please help me….


Mrs X…


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A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J


  1. Hello madam,

    I believe that like life,marriage also has its own challenges. Its quite unfortunate the picture you painted about your marriage. I feel your frustration and you did well by asking for help.

    First,you must acknowledge that there is no perfect marriage. Alot of people actually move around carrying on with a perfect marriage picture like yours. The truth is,they are pretending too. They carry on like this an refuse to call for help or address the issues until they reach breaking point.

    For us to be able to fully assist you,your husband has to be involved in the process. You cannot treat any sickness without addressing the root cause. One needs to know what has changed with your husband. Why did he change?..He loved you before 3 years ago..everything was what happened?

    Could it be that like you said,his business did well…he became rich and the false power that wealth gives over whelmed him? You know,with money…the temptation is doubled ….if not tripled.

    People tell themselves they are helping others when they themselves need help. Your husband needs help. He needs to acknowledge that and get the help he needs.

    It could also be that you changed in some areas and he has not been able to tell you what areas. And that needs to be addressed.

    As for him chatting with ladies and keeping late nights….that can be described as emotional affair….you did not say if you actually caught him with another lady?

    Now my advise: get someone who you and your husband both trust and respect to speak to both of you. You need counseling… need to work on your communication. You need to acknowledge what went wrong between both of you and start consciously working on your marriage.

    Never give up on your marriage. You are both Christians and the enemy attacking your marriage is attacking your faith. I know you have prayed and fasted. You cannot stop….you cannot give up. Keep praying until you see that change that you desire.

    As for your dependence on masturbation and porn….its in your mind set…s*x urge is natural and real….but you can control the urge. If you were having regular intimacy with your husband,the urge is easier to control.

    I know this may be hard to stop but you have to have a resolve to stop even if it takes a gradual process. Do not feed your lust. Only if you continue to feed your lust will it take over you.

    You have obsessed yourself with your lack of s*x with hubby and your mind tells you to fufil your urges with self pleasure. Yes,you are flesh and blood but you have to still be in control of your flesh…your flesh cannot control you. Keep trying to stay on track…one day at a time. Congratulate yourself for little achievements when you are able to resist the temptation for even a day or a couple of hours.

    And then, the real root cause :your husband and yourself need a professional therapist. Maybe even a sex therapist. We will be having a Sex coach at our hangout in a few days. Make it a date to attend. The coach is married and maybe able to help you with some of the questions you have.

    In all,do not give up,keep praying and fighting for your marriage. I believe if you are able to get your husband into therapy,then the healing of your marriage will be sooner than you know.

    God bless you.

    Do not be hard on yourself.

  2. My advice is not divoce your partner, because if you do there is no any complete human being since the world has begin, more so, i haven’t see any perfect relationship or marriage yet and is no where to be found.

    What you can do is to continue praying, i’m very sure God will answer your prayer in short time. Thanks, may God guild and protect your family.

  3. Alright ma, but you need to check or know your husband’s taste, may be there is something he admire most which you are not in practise of it, it might be way dressing, beauty, body size or hair style, because being a pastor doesn’t say your shouldn’t do what you like, since is not out of God’s will. Sometimes it may be sexual performance, just try to adjust, some men don’t like repeating themself on one thing each and everytime, he may be warning you one particular thing which you do not listen, this may cause problem in marriage.
    Try to chech all this area, it possible for marriage to gain freedom


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