My Marriage Is Under Threat….I Am Not Sure I Can Do Anything

Annoyed woman lying in bed with boyfriend at home in the bedroom

Dear Jzhane,

Abeg,hide my name and number. I have a serious problem. This problem has been there since we got married in 2014 but now,it seems there is nothing that can be done anymore to save my marriage.

I found out that my husband was cheating on me with a girl in his office. I will never have found out because I never saw him as a man who would do this. Agreed,we are having problems with our s*x life but I did my best to make him happy. I did not expect him to go that far to make himself happy. Maybe I was foolish to think that with time,he would be okay with me and he would forget about everything.


After we got married,I discovered my husband wants oral and anal sx. I discovered this immediately  we got married. I am not a fan of these kinds of sxual acts and I told him so but he kept demanding until I had to agree to the oral part like two years after constant nagging, arguing and quarreling about this. I however refused to do anal and that has been the bane of our disagreement.

Truth is,I love my husband but I not only think it is wrong of him to want anal cos God did not create s*x to be done anal. I also find it quite discomforting and I am scared of the pain and side effects I will have to face if I undergo this. And so,I have explained to him that I do not want to do it but he has never ceased to make trouble out of it.

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Several times,he threatened to go out and get someone who is ready to do this for him. I kept quiet. I told him only prostitutes will do this. For the next couple of years,I thought things were fine cos I left the anal s*x matter alone. He seemed to let it die down a little.But anytime he tries to penetrate from behind,I fight him off. That is how we have been living and he has been telling me I am pushing him out of the marriage by denying him.

About four months ago,I went for a meeting in V.I. After my meeting,I decided to visit my husband in his office in V.I also. Maybe,we could go home together  since I had no intention of going back to my office for the day.When I got to his office, most people had gone out,only one or two persons were around in the open office. I greeted them all and walked to my husband’s office.

On getting to the front of his office,I noticed his secretary was not on sit. I was sure my husband was in because I had seen his car parked outside.I found it odd that his office door was shut but maybe whoever locked it,did not check to see that it was properly locked. Lo and behold,I walked in on my husband and his secretary having sx..not just sx but anal s*x in his office. That was when I knew it was over. There was serious problem.

Of course,I left them the office immediately. As I went home,I thought of stopping at the third mainland bridge and just ending my life. I did everything for this man. This one thing…just this one thing,he could not stay faithful to me?

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Jzhane, I have been so broken by this revelation. My husband came back home that day and had the effrontery to blame me for pushing him to another woman. I have been battling with myself and  I do not know if I should file for divorce. I have two children under five years old. What will happen to them?This is not the life I pictured for them.

After a lot of crying,back and forth,We went to counseling. My husband later began to beg me for my forgiveness and now,he wants us to work on our marriage. I feel this will be futile. I know he will never be able to stay without anal s*x and I am not sure I am wiling to do subject myself to that for the rest of my life. If he loved it so much to cheat …what says he cannot do that again?

I am thinking of going to report him to his people. But he has forbidden me from every speaking to them about this.My sister begged me to try and learn how to give anal. But the problem too is that,my husband is way above the normal size. My first attempt was horrifying. This was even after I tried to force myself to want to do it just to save my marriage.

I am at ends wit. Is this the end of my marriage ? What else can I do?


From Mrs L

Photo Credit: Istock


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  1. Hello Mrs. L,

    This appears to be a big issue for your husband. I wish you guys had discussed s*x and your s*xual preferences before you got married.Maybe you could have prevented all these problems.

    However,this is where you are now. The bible says spouses should not deny each other of s*x. It does advise s*x within the confines of marriage should be consensual otherwise,it could be termed as rape.

    Please read this except from an online reaction to your situation:

    Outside of marriage, all forms of sex, including anal sex, are sinful and immoral. Since the Bible nowhere condemns, or even mentions, anal sex within the confines of marriage, it would appear that anal sex falls within the “mutual consent” principle (1 Corinthians 7:5). Whatever is done sexually should be fully agreed on between the husband and his wife. Neither husband nor wife should be coerced into doing something he/she is not absolutely comfortable with. If anal sex occurs within the confines of marriage, by mutual consent, then there is no clear biblical reason for declaring it to be sin.

    Having said the above,….since there is no mutual consent,then there is a problem.

    Many schools of thought may disagree with this …especially the fact that anal s*x could have health related risks. In this case,avoid it at all cost.

    The best thing to do about this is to take some time to pray about this. Let God lead you.

    Continue your counselling. Talk about this more with your husband. There are other ways of deriving sexual pleasure that is not anal.This is where sacrifice and compromise must come in.

    Do not give up…there is nothing prayer cannot do.

    God bless you.

  2. Here is an additional information still from research:

    Please note – while anal sex between a husband and his wife might not be sinful, that does not mean we endorse it. In fact, it is our conviction that anal sex is wrong, even within the confines of marriage. Medically speaking, anal sex is neither healthy nor safe. Anal sex increases the risk of tissue damage, infection, and the transmission of STDs.

  3. Hi Mrs L,

    Since your husband wants your marriage to work and is asking for forgiveness from cheating and you are willing to make your marriage work, as you pray, let Him cry out to God to take away the desire for anal s.x since it is not something you want.

    If He fasts, prays, cries out to the Holy Spirit, surrounds Himself with the word constantly one day, He’ll find (for the sake of peace), that those desires will disappear.

    In the meantime, He needs to remain accountable, make a commitment to flee temptation and stay faithful.

    Watch & Pray.

    Stay strong.

  4. Plz, don’t ever try it, even if you do, what if he still goes out for more. I can’t do it. For the marriage it is within you to keep it or let it slide. Plz, do something before something does you..

  5. Please research on the dangers and side effects of anal sex.
    Personally, I don’t think a man that truly loves his wife will want to put her through so much pain and damage just for his own self gain and please. True Love will not do that.
    On the other hand, i don’t think God’s original idea for sex in marriage is for it to be done through the anus. Everything God made in our body is for a purpose and the anus was not made for sex, it is human pervasion that brought sex through the anus instead of the virgina. Therefore anal sex isn’t part of the biblical ways for sex to be made in marriage.
    Truth is, that is what your husband wants and if he doesn’t consciously work on himself, that desire for it will not go away.
    I won’t advice you to put yourself through such pain and torture.
    So you have only two options, to either give him the anal sex he wants or leave the marriage. Because he will not stop cheating on you as along as he keeps having that desire for anal sex and he will always blame you for his cheating on you.
    The choice is yours to make, stay and give it to him or leave the marriage.
    This why intending couples are advised to talk about sex and sexual preference before marriage.


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