Tuesday, August 11, 2020
Home Advice My Marriage Has Reached A Boiling Point:Please Advise Me!

My Marriage Has Reached A Boiling Point:Please Advise Me!

Good Evening Ma’am.
I got your contact from the group chat were you counsel people on marriage and relationship the Godly way.I currently live in Ibadan (Not real location),Oyo State.
Ma, my marriage has hit the rocks as of today and I don’t know what to do. I need help.
It’s a very long and not so straight forward story and I don’t know where to start from.
I’m a 35 year old Accountant. I got married 4 years ago and yet to have children, I’ve had two pregnancy losses with my husband since we got married and we’re hoping on God to bless us this year.
The problem with my marriage is my husband.My Mum never liked him before we got married infact she called him a riff raff, someone not up to my class, she also said he doesn’t have money to take care of me and many other things like that… I was in love with him then and he was a great friend so I prayed and went against my Mum.
Fast forward to 4 years later all I feel for this Man is hatred and disgust. It wasn’t always like this.He was nice, kind and caring. He still is. He tells me everything and we gist like small children even till now but we’ve been having so many conflicts too frequently that they leave me emotionally drained.
My husband likes keeping malice and I hate it. I love communication but he’s not ready to change this bad habit of his.He used to have a vision but as it is now he seems to have lost it. He has failed in his business severally, is not accountable with money and now likes to leave the life of ‘anything goes’.
I’ve been supporting financially and even doing more than I should just to help our situation and help him stand on his feet but he seems to have lost it.We’ve made some resolutions or rather plans for the New year that will help our family to grow spiritually, emotionally, financially and otherwise but as it is now he doesn’t want us to work in agreement.
The relationship with him is tiring because I cannot stand his malice, I’ve told him that severally but he doesn’t want to stop. I see that he has become so relaxed and irresponsible since he can see me footing the bills.
I’ve tried to let his family on this and work with him but he seems not willing to and I cannot continue anymore. I’ve gone to an elder in my church this morning to tell him that I want a separation from my husband but he encouraged me to pray and not make a hasty decision in my anger.
I’m tired of praying. I want a separation. The marriage is becoming financially and emotionally draining with my husband’s behaviour. I want him to think of his life when we are separated so that he’ll decide if he still wants to remain married to me.
Also I need him to have more motivation and inspiration to actually succeed in his business.Then also, he’s an extrovert and likes hanging out in the evenings while I’m an introvert who likes stay in indoors, rest I and reviewing my day to plan a better day for the next day.
He just seems so opposite of me. How can I get him to be more serious and cut down on all these Hangouts. He suggests we go out together occasionally but I don’t see any reason gisting outside with friends after a hard day’s work.
Infact I don’t know when we are going to resolve these conflicts between us. I just feel he’s highly irresponsible and He should be more of a leader in our marriage. I keep on asking him his plans so that I can allign mine with his…..
I need to him to change.I know people say it’s impossible to change someone and yes I know that too but I need him to see that these little faults of his are big deals to me and I cannot stand them.
He too may say I have my faults because when he started flaunting our agreements I shouted on him over the phone that and me locking the door made him to start keeping malice with me yesterday but I don’t want this year to be like previous years. I want him to limit the outings and come home in time so that we can bond together and plan our future together. He says I nag. I always complain bitterly when things go wrong.
We talked about the above many times but it seems we’ve learned nothing ourselves. He’s keeping malice with me and I’ve shouted some more at him when he came back home but he didn’t respond back.
My marriage really needs help.If my husband could be a little bit responsible and communicate with me I will be happier not this current malice he’s keeping with me already.Everything coupled with the fact that he’s not doing well in business currently is making me feel I didn’t hear from God on this marriage and that my Mum was right with every negative thing she said about my husband before we got married. I just feel so hurt and emotionally drained.
Why wouldn’t he stop this malice and let’s communicate? Iron out our differences and grow from this so that we don’t keep on having these CONFLICTS? I’m tired.
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Photo Credit:Wise Walk Ministry
Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

2 COMMENTS

  1. What are u talking about leaving your husband of four years, he isnt even cheating on you yet.

    Woman listen you are the one distroying your home,

    He keeps malice with you cos u are troublesome, and his best way to solve ur nagging Is silence.

    He goes out more cos u you make the home too hot for him.

    He fails in business because you are killing him inside.

    And your miscarriage I believe comes from u not been relaxed
    Go back and put ur house in order, apologize to him n prayerfully support him.

  2. Hello dear,

    First thing first…take a deep breathe..yes breathe!..you need to calm down and be in a more peaceful state so we can talk.

    I feel you need to hear this: your husband is not some stranger…he is someone you know and you knew his flaws…maybe you ignored them initially,hoping it would not be an issue….or maybe he would change..

    But with marriage….peoples’ characters begin to even show more.

    Someone said…the only thing you should do is KEEP PRAYING!….pray because you also are so angry that you are not even seeing areas where you need to change…your behaviour as described by you is not helping matters.

    You cannot expect him to change when you have not seen the need for you to change…

    You need to communicate better….it takes two to keep malice…you have to be the bigger person….do not keep malice….keep communicating with him…if he ignores you…ignore his ignoring of you…do not pay attention t his ignoring you…act like you did not notice he is ignoring you…

    What are those things you both did before that things were good between you two? Revive those things…be his friend…be his companion…his confidant…revive the romance!

    Learn to hangout with him if he likes to hangout…plan hangouts for just both of you.

    You see,you have to be intentional about your marriage…you need to work out what you want to see in your marriage…what you desire will not just fall on your laps….marriage is work….marriage is being intentional.

    Take his hand and pray for him….pray with him….confess the right words about him…say what you want to see him become in those prayers…dont forget to pray for yourself too…you need to stop locking him out…you need to stop nagging…you need to hear him out…what are his issues…why cant he hold a job…how can you help….what business can you both invest in…

    Do not be his mother or sister…be his friend and lover…stop pointing out his flaws….speak and show him his potentials…he may be losing his way….help him stand and be the man you once fell in love with.

    Above all…be patient…you are not perfect…why expect him to be?

    I think you both should see a professional marriage therapist too…that will help you begin to speak and address the issues that is annoying both of you.

    Lastly…be easy on yourself about getting pregnant…God is the giver of children…maybe God wants your home to be more peaceful before the baby comes…and when your heart is peaceful and at rest…the baby will come…trust me…getting pregnant when you are under stress or pressure is almost impossible.

    Your marriage will not be over until you say it is…if you want it to work…lets do as I have highlighted above…

    I know it may not be easy but gold or diamond takes great effort to mine and shine…

    Surround yourselves with people who encourage marriage and pray and support both of you…forget what mama said…he is not a riff raff…he can be the man you dream he can be…

    Just PRAY…HAVE FAITH..PATIENCE…..SEE A THERAPIST…COMMUNICATE…COMMUNICATE MORE…Have EMPATHY…EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE….

    You can do this….all will be well…

    God bless you.

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