My Husband Needs Help But He Keeps Saying He Is Fine

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Dear Jzhane,

Good work you are doing with Livelystones. I came across LS lat December and I have become an addict reader of your blog. God bless you for all that you do. I have been battling with this situation in my mind for some time now. I have been keeping it to myself but I want to share with others because I want advice and maybe the person involved can get some help too.

The person involved is my husband. I met Mike (not real name) about six years ago in a conference in Abuja. I was struck by his handsomeness and intelligence. I basically stalked him and shot my shot cos he seemed shy. We became friends,he enjoyed my company. He liked hearing me talk about myself but he hardly talked about himself.

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I knew a little of his family. Basically what he told me. He was from a wealthy home. A polygamous home. His mother died when he was a little boy. His mother’s second wife raised him and was very kind to him. She took a special liking to him and he thought that was ok until he was old enough to understand that the step mother was s*xually abusing him.

My husband was abused by his step mom for almost 11 years. She threatened to send him to a foster home if he told anyone. That made him a shy boy. He was only able to free himself when he got to University. He at that time,became very withdrawn. He became attracted to older women. He felt he was not worthy of younger women.

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I was touched by his story. I couldn’t believe what he went through. But he has been able to move on with his life. However,he does not contact any member of his family. His father and His Step mother are still alive but he does not contact them for anything. He said he does not want to go back to that life anymore. I think he is still very angry at them.

Initially,I understood his reasons. I never met his parents. I only met his Older brother. He was the only family at our wedding. Well,my family is not the traditional type so as long as his brother represented his family,the marriage rites went well. But after we got married, I noticed that my husband is still very traumatized by his childhood abuse. The way he sleeps,he sleeps like he is afraid of something happening to him at night. He sleeps curled up almost like a ball.

Sometimes,he has night mares and he wakes up sweating. Sometimes,he gets overly over protective of our son. He is unconsciously afraid someone might abuse him. So we do not have nannies or house helps. My son is 4 years old. I am pregnant with my second child,yet my husband does not want any person in our home:whether family or hired helps.

This is quite strenuous for me. He tries to help me but that is not enough. We both get stressed out and frustrated because of the work. We both have active careers so its not easy at all in anyway. I quite understand my husband’s fear. He is trying to protect our children so that what happened to him will not happen to them. But my fear is that, we cannot cope on our own. I also think my husband has not fully healed from his childhood abuse,how do I help him?

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I have suggested him seeing a therapist before,he says that there is no need for that. How do I convince him to at least try? He is hurt deep inside,I know. I want to help him but he says he is fine. But that is not so. What do I do? How do I convince him to get help and how do I convince him to let us allow people into our lives?

 

From Ann (Not Real Name)

Lekki,Lagos

 

Photo Credit:Daily Advent

 

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1 COMMENT

  1. Hello Ann,

    Thank you for your email. I think your husband needs professional help. He may not admit it but he does need help.

    If you push him to get help,he will not get the best. My prayer would be that he realizes it on time before its too late. You cannot only help someone who realizes that they need help.

    You can encourage your husband to read articles that speak about victims of similar abuse and how they got help.

    Pray for Him. The holy Spirit is the best healer . Let God start the healing from within. Encourage him to talk to you. Let him not bottle up stuff.

    As for not letting people into your lives,you just have to make adjustments. Your husband may not be able to trust anyone for a long time. its a gradual process,let him find help and peace for himself first. In the meantime,hang in there. Do as much as you can,take one day at a time. You are doing fine…it will get easier.

    Get artificial help like washing machine and dish washer to help with chores. Do shopping and cooking in bulk so you do not have to go about running around for stuff.Invest in good freezers.

    Be supportive of your husband. Talk to him about healing and forgiveness. pray for him. If he has a mentor or someone he looks up to,speak to them to help too. You can stage an intervention. With ONLY people he trusts. He needs to get help but try not to push him.

    God is in control. Be strong dear.

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