Saturday, December 7, 2019
Home Advice My Future In-laws Are Trying To Control My Fiance/Our Marriage-Pt 2

My Future In-laws Are Trying To Control My Fiance/Our Marriage-Pt 2

Editor’s note:

We received the story below in response to a story that we ran a few days ago. Please click here to read the story if you missed it. Also,share your thoughts and advise after the reading the response below.

Jzhane

 

Hi,

From what I understand,my girlfriend got advice from this place to breakup with me because I said we should move in with my parents when we get married next month. Well, she broke up with me yesterday. Just like that…..a relationship that has been on for several years is broken just like that.

I was shocked when she told me she was breaking up with me since I have refused to heed to her suggestion of taking money from her to rent apartment when we have a free place in my parents place .

What I want to say is, people who advised her,did they bother to ask for my own side of the story? How can you advise someone to leave a relationship that is going to be legalized the very next  month just because of accommodation issue?

It was during our quarrel yesterday that she mentioned that she wrote to a group that advise on relationship that she decided she can not go on with our wedding. I feel very hurt. I feel angry cos she was not advised well.

I told her to let me share my own side of the matter. And if after I tell my own side,people still advise her to breakup,then I am fine. So this is my own:

When I met Sara (not real name), I told her I was the first born of my family. I told her that my dad lost his job due to stroke. My mother is the bread winner ,she is a petty trader. That I struggled to finish school and now that I have finished school,I want to help my parents train my younger ones.

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Sara agreed and even said she loved how I take care of my younger ones. Sara is a true friend. She never asked me for money cos she knows my situation. My salary is 60k from which I send almost 40k to my parents every month.

I love Sara and I thank her for her understanding. She is the kind of woman I want to marry cos she does not give me problem. When I engaged her,I let her know that things will not be easy at first but I am determined to work hard and I know things will change in a few years.

My parents were not really happy I was getting married . Not because they do not like Sara but because they knew the responsibility of getting married. They were concerned that I will not be able to shoulder the responsibility. If course,they maybe also worried that I will not be able to support my 3 siblings that are still in school.

But I convinced them that Sara is very understanding and that they will love her. So when the issue of accommodation came up,I was going to renew my rent but my parents have been discussing that they will soon relocate back to the village.

They suggested I use the money for rent to renovate our family house so it can be comfortable for me and my new wife. They will move back to the village next year. It will be just me and my wife and my siblings. And my siblings are in school,they only come around during holiday.

So I tried to tell Sara about the plan but she did not even let me finish. She said she cannot get married and move in with my parents. She did not even let me explain that they will be moving next year. So,Sara concluded even though I told her it was going to be temporary.

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This made me see another side of Sara that I had not known. I mean,I thought she was a considerate person but this accommodation matter is making me have second thoughts. My parents raised me to be the man she loves why can she not stand living with them just for a short while?

I still have responsibilities towards my family. I told her that from the beginning. If she knew she could not accept that,why date me for more than two years now?…I feel hurt by her actions. I tested her with this accommodation matter and she failed me.

Like I said,I love Sara…I will do anything for her. All I want is for her to accept me and my family cos without my family there will not be me for her to marry. How have I done wrong in this case? Do you know how much it is to rent even a self contained in Lagos,Surulere where we stay?

Why can’t we use that money to make my parents place comfortable. A place they will eventually leave for us and we will be on our own? If it was her parents,will she treat them like this? I have not told my parents that Sara broke up with me. If I do,they will say:we told you….

This is not fair. I am a young struggling man. I never force Sara to be with me. I love her so much and will do anything for her. Why will people ask her to break up with me when all am thinking of is our future?

Nobody is trying to control me or her or our marriage. My family does not mean any harm or ill. She just needs to free her mind and get to know them better….

Now…tell me where I was wrong…..

 

God bless you

 

Tony (Not Real name)

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Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

4 COMMENTS

  1. Hello Tony,

    Thank you for taking your time to tell your own side of the story. I agree with you that there are 2 or even 3 sides to every story. I wish every spouse or partner would be free to share their own story when their partners send us details of what happened.

    Yes,you have explained your side of things. That is very good and very brave. It shows that you truly care for Sara. And my prayer is that you would be together and not break up. Your wedding is next month,this union will not break up in Jesus name.

    What is happening is just a bump in the road and you will both be fine. Just relax and take in all the counsel you receive and sieve all advise. You should only take the advise that resonates with your faith in God.

    Having heard from you and Sara,one thing is clear: there is a communications problem here. You did not tell Sara that your family would be relocating next year and both of you would be left alone in the house,did you?

    You said you were testing her. …well,she failed the test cos you did not provide enough information. You did not communicate well.Perhaps if she knew your parents would be relocating,she may have had a change of heart.

    Even at that…my dear brother…no bride in this day and age wants to get married to a young man and move in with her inlaws. Whether test or not. She is marrying you..she needs time to adjust to knowing you first even before knowing your parents.

    It can be very daunting to have parents who can be quiet nosy or judgmental around the first year of marriage.

    The bible says a man leaves his family and cleaves to his wife. And from what we know about African parents,they can be an uphill task to please. Especially when the first son marries. They see him as the father of the family when the real father is late or old or incapacitated.

    That responsibility may be too much to bear. And the wife to be knows that can create problems for a new marriage. The first year of marriage is for the newly wed to get to know each other better with no external interference.

    So,lets say you move in with your parents….how will she cope? Will she be cooking for your entire family? Will she need to be doing chores for the entire family? What part of the apartment will both of you be living? will you both have some privacy?

    There are many unanswered questions in this your arrangement. And unless you provide answers to those,Sara will not feel comfortable.

    This is my advise to you and Sara. do not break up. Take whatever money you have,no matter how small,go get a small apartment. Some where both of you can call your own…and move in there after marriage.

    And also try and assist your parents in renovating their place if you have any money left. Then only when your parents have relocated can you then move into their place.

    I think Sara loves you and your family,she is just terrified of the unknown…she is getting married…that is a scary thought in itself…pledging your life to be with a man….and then you add his parents in the equation…haba!

    Get married…let her get to be the daughter in-law that visits your parents or your parents can come visit…but to live permanently with them is not a good idea…no matter how good your parents are.

    Give Sara the assurance she needs. Get a small apartment and live there until your parents relocate. I think both of you can overcome this.

    Pray about this. Your wedding is next month…pray and fast …so that every temptation or distraction that comes your way will be removed.

    Stick to one another. She loves you. Be her support and protector. I know you have responsibilities and Sara has said she is ready to help you with those responsibilities. You just need to show her that you put her first…you respect her and will not let her down…then she will be your best supporter and there is nothing both of you cannot achieve in this life.

    A wise man said: never let your wife or husband feel second class to your family and never let your family feel like second class to your spouse…God will give you wisdom.

    I wish you both a happy married life ahead.

    God bless you.

  2. Your plight is understandable. But I will tell you that as part of the requirements for marriage, you should have your own apartment and privacy. There is no way your wife will be fully relaxed with interruptions from your family members so matter how subtle it is. Even your younger sisters will not want to embark on that kind of contract when they want to get married. If she is as understandable and pleasant has you have said, You also have to respect her opinion as regards that. The only solution to this I think is that you allow your family to relocate first as they have planned and then you can move in with your woman. Then pending that time put a hold on the wedding plans.

  3. Dear Tony,
    Thanks for sharing your own part of the story. I can feel your pulse, as a first son. The truth is that ,it is not proper for your wife to move in with you to your family house. As a young man, you will not understand what a tremendous stress it will be to both of you. She does not hate ur family, pl understand this. As a woman she sees the future ahead of you. That your parents will relocate to the village next year is a mere proposal. Any thing can happen to that proposal! It may not materialise despite your good intentions.
    Find an affordable accommodation with your spouse out of unision ,if your wedding cannot be delayed. Whenever your parents eventually moves, the issue of using the family house will now be discussed. Moreover , please be informed that with your marriage, overhead expenses will almost double. Both of u should team up to see how to shoulder the challenges. That is why u need a closely knitted mind to push forward. Let the love u profess for each other be firmer more ever b4. Shallom

  4. Hi Tony,

    Thank you for sharing your own side of the story. I can relate with your peculiar circumstance. Sara is also a lovely lady, she has not failed any test but has raised natural concerns .

    The Bible says you leave your family – father and mother to cleave to your wife. Bringing everyone under one roof, no matter how genuine your intentions are will create issues along the way . Guess who will be scared – your wife. When those issues start coming up just like now, you will not understand the toll it is putting on your wife , you may even raise your voice at her when she is trying to explain things to you and after you are both allowed to live alone , the pain can take many many years to heal . Your good Sara will then be perceived as evil. Even if your parents are relocating next year which could change or extend to three years , leaving the house to you and your siblings ( during holidays) is not the best for a newly married couple, more things can go wrong there too. It’s best for families to only visit for this period. You are getting married, starting a life.

    You both need to protect your union, living with family from day one will not offer that protection, I am not saying in any way that your family is evil but stuff happens and expectation exist .

    Your wife needs to feel safe in her environment as you also explore each other’s bodies , not tip toeing or wondering what people are thinking, how she greeted , if she cooked , cleaned , came down for prayers , how she spoke to you , your siblings , if she’s smiling , how long she’s spending on the phone , visitors , posture when watching TV and relaxing with her man to name a few.

    Sara has been accommodating of your family’s need and indeed your siblings need to finish school, so pressure is less on you, although when people are dependent on a Brother they never really stop depending, school fees , rent , business, transport, wedding and the list never ends. Can they work and school ? It may be easier now but as your family size grows even Sara will feel it and may start to winge inwards .

    My advice , protect your lady , if this is an allocation issue too, if Sara can help with your family and you use your money to get a small place for now that way you provided your new family a roof ( your parents do not need to know who covered what), afterwards you can help your family but let everyone have a job, start a business , sell something , be productive and support on the necessary but contribute to your new family too, from little you have still get Sara something from time to time and shower her with love and more love .
    Once your siblings graduate there should be a ‘breaking off’ of some sort , not total dependence still on you.

    All the best
    Uche

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