Thursday, November 21, 2019
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My Fiancee Dropped A Bombshell: Now She Thinks I Am Wrong

I met Adesuwa (not real name) last year. I knew her mind set before I met her. We were in a career chat group. Her level of intelligence and wittiness was what first attracted me to her. She kept her life private,never hung any dps…she was professional to the chore.

On her birthday,the group shared her photo. I was stunned at how beautiful she was. I private chatted with her. She did not like it. She is a very principled person. I did not give up. I pursued her rigorously for four months before she began to open up.

Our first date was phenomenal. I was the envy of every guy. I mean,come and see how guys were staring at her,like she was a mermaid. It was easy to fall in love with her. I knew she was the one I was waiting for. I had the happiest days of my life with her.

Adesuwa met my family,they instantly fell in love with her too. I spoke to her mother and siblings on whatsApp. Her family lives in Benin. I was hoping to meet them. I was going to marry this girl. We went everywhere except work together….I started even attending her church. Did I mention she could sing like Beyonce?…even better jhor..lol

I got my family’s blessings and her mother’s blessing Nine months later (yes,I was raised properly)…I proposed to Adesuwa,in front of some of our friends. She was hesitant for a few seconds…I almost died waiting for her to say yes…but she eventually said yes but she wanted to tell me something. I told her what was it..she said later.

That evening,after the festivities and congratulations,Adesuwa told me something:that she has a child. An 8 year old son. She had him when she was 21. But she gave the baby away at birth. She coming from a noble family did not want to disgrace her family so she hid her pregnancy and abandoned the baby in front of a motherless baby’s home.

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She was crying as she told me this. She never told anyone before. I was stunned and as much as I tried to comfort my angel,I made a stupid statement: I told her I needed time to process this new information. I left with so many questions in my head and anger for not being told after almost one year of dating. She called me the next day,I did not pick up. She sent a text saying she was sorry.

My thinking was,how does a woman get pregnant and hide it and give away the baby?…I know people do it but not around these climes. I feel she should have stood her ground and kept the baby no matter what. To me,this says alot about the kind of person that she is. Obviously she has alot of issues to deal with and she has not come to terms of some.

She and I met four days later to try to talk but the more she talked,the more she did not make sense to me. For someone so intelligent as her,I could not understand why she gave her baby away. People make mistakes but you do not hide your mistakes,you confront them…that is my motto in life.

But I failed to see that at 21…she was so terrified and alone that she felt giving away the baby was the only way out. She and her room mate in school hide the pregnancy. No one else knew. I am alarmed how she was able to keep this from even her mother. Her parents were pastors actually…maybe that was why she felt she could not tell them.

Our discussion did not end well. Adesuwa began to play victim and said she could never be with someone who judged her for her past. I tried to let her know she made a huge mistake by abandoning her child and maybe convince her to go look for the child but she did not want to listen.She said,its in her past. So why did she tell me? She said she felt I needed to know…

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I appreciate her telling me but her not acknowledging her mistake kept me second guessing her character and personality. Sad to say,our communication broke down,she dropped her ring and ended our relationship. I could not believe how something so perfect ended up so bad. She would not even tell me how she even got pregnant at 21…who was the guy..she said some random dude in school…I just cannot picture her the way everything is going.

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It took my dumb self a whole week to go back and beg her for a for a reconciliation. Not because I agreed with the way her past went but because I love her too much to want to let her go. But did I mention she can be stubborn? So stubborn that she has refused to accept me back.I get angry at her for not agreeing to a compromise even when I have swallowed my pride and still comeback to her.

How many men would want to marry a girl who had a child and does not know the whereabouts of the child? I am struggling to accept her and her faults but she has refused to accept mine. I do not want to get our families involved cos she made me swear not to tell anyone before she opened up to me.

Its been almost two months after our break up. I have begged and begged but she has refused to accept me back. She introduced me to Lively Stones months back. I hope she reads this and have a change of mind. I hope the advice we both get here will also help us get past this challenge cos one thing is certain…I still love her.

Please advice us…

 

Freddy (Not real name)

Lagos

 

Photo Credit:123RF.com

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Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

2 COMMENTS

  1. First of all. I think you need to back up…..my friend,you had a good thing going here until you messed it up.

    Yes…you messed it up….how?

    Your girl comes to you withe her most guarded secret and then what do you do? You freak out!

    Why do you think she never told anyone before?…not even her mom? ….of course,because of reactions like what you did?

    If she did not want to tell you,you probably would never find out or you find out later after marriage…how would that make you feel?

    This lady needs therapy…she needs to talk to someone who understands…and if you are not that person,find someone who can.

    I hope she is reading this too…you both need proper counselling….what she needs from you is understanding,not judgement….and what you need from her is her ability to trust you without you judging her or pressing her or pushing her….

    These things take time….time to process and accept….you need to be a source of support for her.

    Let her be ready before anything…you love her…love ALL OF HER: THE GOOD,THE BAD & UGLY SIDES OF HER!

    You need to change your manner of communication: be more accepting and understanding….

    She will only open up and agree to deal with her past when she feels comfortable and secure…until then,let her know you are ready to go all the way without hesitation.

    I wish you both the best.

  2. I agree with Adesuwa. You still not emotionally mature for marriage. Judging her based on her past shows that you are not mature in handling situations. Everyone one had at some point in their lives made mistake or did things that they are not proud of, that doesn’t mean you have to judge them for it. I bet you will not be happy if someone should judge you based on what you did many years ago.
    Your statement that “how many men will want to marry a lady who had a child and doesn’t know the were about of the child” says it all. You think you are doing her a favor by marrying her because of her past right. To top it all up, you begging her and your apology is filled with so much pride.
    Your fiancee is one woman with a healthy self esteem. She has made peace with her past and has moved beyond her past. Yet here you are trying to judge her by her past and evening trying to make her less of a human because of the mistake she made in the past is all shades of wrong and I would have done the exact thing she did if I was in her shoes.
    You said you are struggling to accept her and her faults. It is very obvious that you cannot handle her faults and her past so it is better you leave her alone and let her be.
    Don’t make her marry you in the end, only for you to bring up her mistake later in life and even keep judging her for it.
    From your write up, you will never be able to let her past mistake go. This will always be an issue to you in the marriage. So it is better you let her go and find someone who is more mature enough to be able to handle her past better.

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