My Daughter Blames Me For Her Father Leaving Our Marriage

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Good evening ma,

Please share my story. A few days ago,I saw someone’s story on this blog that feels like mine. The story was about a man who wanted to marry someone older than him.(Read the story here is you missed it). Well,mine is not exactly like that but I want to share it cos I need advice on what to do.

So,in my case,I got divorced like 3 years ago. I was married for 5 years and I have an 8 year old daughter. My marriage failed and I have not been able to move on since that time. meanwhile,my ex husband has married the whore he cheated on me with. The reason I have not been able to move on is not because I lack guys interested in me,its because my daughter has refused to come to terms that her father has left us.

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My daughter and her father were very close. For some odd reason,she blames me for her dad leaving (maybe its the lies her father tells her)  but it was her dad who started cheating when I did not conceive on time with the second child. When the cheating started,Like joke,I thought it would pass but before I knew it,the woman was pregnant for my husband. I could not bear it.

I was so hurt and I cried for days and weeks for the betrayal. By that time,my husband was no longer living with us. For over a year,we saw him like only when he came to visit my daughter for like once a month. It was clear he no longer loved me. I was alone and forsaken. I had no choice but to file for divorce.

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My daughter never forgave me for filing that divorce. She wanted me to wait for her father. But she is a little girl who did not understand adult matters. How was I supposed o wait for a man who had abandoned his family to live with his baby mama?

Since my divorce,any time I try to meet a guy to date or have a relationship,my daughter would start acting out. She starts to become difficult and will not allow any man come close to me. She would suddenly fall sick or threaten to kill herself or say she wants to go and live with her father,away from me. She is only 8 but the things she says eh,they are some crazy stuff.

I am scared of loosing her to my ex husband. Besides,the baby mama does not want to see her. I do not know what to do. I am not getting any younger and I would like to remarry. Right now,I am dating someone but I am keeping it a secret because of my daughter. Its not easy to find someone who wants you as a single mother with a child,talk less of of someone who will understand that the child does not want them either.

I need help. I tried to send my daughter to live with her aunt or my mother but she refuses. She is childish and stubborn. She has sworn to run away from home if I remarry. I don’t know what to do. This guy I am dating,I really like him. He likes me too. He has been asking to meet my daughter but I am afraid to tell him the truth so he does not get discouraged.

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How long will I hide this? How long will my daughter keep acting like this? Some people say she will change when she gets older but I may have lost all my chances by then…what can I do …sometimes,this even affects her grades in school and she never ceases to blame me for chasing her father away,no matter how much I try to explain to her that it was her father who left,not me…

Please advice me.

Beebian,

Benin,Edo State.

Photo Credit:Adobe Stock

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3 COMMENTS

  1. Hello Beebian,

    Thank you for your email. Your story is quite an emotional one. I feel your frustration. Most importantly,I feel your daughter’s pain.

    Every little girl is their daddy’s angel. Their father could do no wrong in their sight.

    Your little girl needs your help and understanding and you also need help to get her that help.

    Tow things I recommend:

    1.You have to make peace with the father so that you can both co-parent your daughter without bitterness. Your daughter wants her father in her life,that is why she is acting this way. Her father needs to bridge that gap. Maybe he can even be the one to convince her that she should let you re-marry

    2. You can send her to a child psychologist. Someone skilled enough to deal with childhood issues. She needs attention and love and care and understanding. Talking to a psychologist might help reveal her greatest fear.

    She might be afraid that she might loose you too when you re-marry. Hence,you need to reassure her again and again that you will never leave her,that she will never loose her parents’ love no matter what.

    When you eventually introduce her to any man you intend to marry,make sure that man understands that your daughter comes first and they have to treat her with love and patience and understanding.

    My dear,be patient,love will find you no matter how old you are. You have a daughter that has been seriously hurt by your divorce…you need to help her get through this before thinking of re-marrying.

    Pray about this too. Communicate and always communicate,all will be fine. One step at a time.

    God bless.

  2. Send her to go live with her father for a while. When she begins to see his flaws and see that he is not perfect and since you will not be there for him to put the blame of his actions on, trust me she will appreciate you better.

  3. This is a minor problem. Send her to her Dad to stay for some time to see the difference and crave for you. If the Man is actually what you say he is, she will gladly accept a new man

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