Friday, September 20, 2019
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My Affair Of Three Years Ago Is Threatening My Marriage

Dear Lively Stones,

I am newly married. I dated my husband for almost 2 years. Before I met my husband, I was in a brief affair with my boss at the office. I regret that affair till date. So,I try to block it from my mind. I try not to think about it.

Maybe that is why I did not mention it to my husband when we were dating. Unfortunately,that has come to bite me. I still don’t know how my husband found out. I have been telling him to tell me but he says its not relevant.

Apparently,someone told my husband that I had something with my boss. He asked me about it and I could not deny it. I told him it was before I met him and I regret it that is why I never brought it up to him.

My husband was very upset. He said I should have told him cos I just made him look like a fool. My boss was at our wedding,if he knew,he would not have allowed that. I told him I am sorry,I been begging him since. Now,my husband said I have to quit the job. That the only way he will believe that I am truly over my boss is if I quit.

My husband wants me to be a stay at home wife now. He said he never trusts women who work and the fact that even me have had a history with my boss,that its proof that women should not work.

I told him he is being too extreme and he said I should choose either between our marriage or my job. I know he is upset but asking me to quit my job over an affair that happened over three years ago is just childish. He is simply over reacting. I cannot also be a stay at home wife. My parents did not send me to school to be a house wife.

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To make matters worse,he is now giving me attitude. He has asked me to turn in my resignation before the end of the month. Much as I love my husband and will do anything to keep my marriage,I am beginning to fear that he has such a jealous spirit and will do anything when he feels jealous.

Suffice to say,my job pays way better than his. We both rely heavily on my salary. I tried to reason with him that perhaps I should ask for a transfer,maybe to a different branch from my current boss.He refused out rightly. Saying he cannot ever trust me if I insist on working in this company.

I am confused and don’t know what to do. I have called our family members to try to speak to him but he has maintained that is his stand…either I quit and stay at home or the marriage is over. Please advice me.

 

Juliet (Not real name)

 

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Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

4 COMMENTS

  1. Hello Juliet,

    First,you should have told your husband about the affair when you first met him. That would have saved alot of problems today. Maybe he could have told you how he feels and maybe you could have been able to decide what to do before you got married.

    As it is now,you have to choose between your marriage and career. Agreed,his request that you be a stay at home wife is a bit extreme but now is not the time to argue about that. he may change his mind later.

    So if you value your marriage,perhaps you should listen to your husband and see how things pan out in future. If he is adamant about working,maybe he will agree to you having a personal business.

    Talk to him. Talk to him subtly. He is hurt by your decision to have kept the affair away from him. Your behavior of remorse may help change his mind. Men like it when the wife is humble and submits to them. Give him that respect.

    Later on,when things are calm, when you are both in a good space,you can bring up other options of you working again.

    Pray about it too. Ask God to direct both of you.

    All will be well.

  2. I the insecurity isn’t just about dating your boss in the past but the fact that you earn more. Seek transfer to another branch so that you will not have to work together with the said boss.let him know you are only going to quit when you get another job since you both depend on your salary. It’s not easy for a working class lady to just become a house wife you will not only be miserable but your self esteem will be damaged and with time you will begin to resent him, then the MARRIAGE you want so hard to preserve will still pack up. Any kids involved? You should know that when kids come your spending will double. If you are yet to have children you should hold on till you are sure you both can agree

  3. Hi Juliet,

    The past is past . Be gentle with him , pray about the whole situation , try to avoid confrontations but I don’t think staying at home will do your marriage the desired good you are both after .

    Yes, you’ll loose esteem if you stay at home plus he would not immediately warm up to you. To add, financial pressure could set in and he may take his frustrations out on you. By the time you finally realise it , it may not be easy to get back into the job market.

    My advice: Play cool, be remorseful but try to get another job, perhaps one where you have a female Boss. Try to get a job before you resign.

    If He sends you out in the process, manage until you get back together again but it’s best for a woman to be resourceful for so many reasons.

    It will get better.

    • Best advice for you is to dance to his tune, note that if you keep the job and he finds his way to another woman what have you gained, better quit the job and along the line look for another job . your husband did not want you to have anything doing again with that boss because there is possibility you entangled again .

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