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Home Advice Married The Wrong Man-Now My Life Has Changed:Please Advise!

Married The Wrong Man-Now My Life Has Changed:Please Advise!

Hello ma,

I need help. I do not know who to confide in. This is very serious and I am so confused and filled with all kinds of emotion. I am married but I am in love with someone else and this is driving me crazy.

Chike and KC (not real names please) and I met during NYSC in Nassarawa state five years ago. Of course being from the East and posted to the North bonded us together. We were also members of the Corpers Christian fellowship.

These guys and I got a place to stay.We all lived in the same compound doing our service together. Being close,I kinda was like their sister and cooked and took care of the guys. They were like my brothers. We were a family.

I realized I was falling in love with Chike after a while. Both guys were single even though ladies were throwing themselves at them. The girls even tried to be nice to me thinking I would make it easier for the guys to accept them.

Chike was the free spirited one. Always playing with everyone. KC was more serious and focused. I told KC I was in love with Chike. He encouraged me to let him know about my feelings which I tried but Chike did not seem interested in me. He saw me more of like a sister.

It broke my heart that Chike never responded to me. One time,I even told him exactly how I felt but he nicely told me he did not feel the same way. It was hard but I let go. I just like d him even though he did not. We were still friends.

After service year,Chike went abroad for his masters. KC and I went back to our towns in the East but kept in touch. Like A year and half later,KC and I started dating. I liked KC but a little differently from the way I loved Chike.

Chike made my heart flutter. He was fun and my dream kind of man. KC was the serious one but I loved how he seemed determined to be someone successful. We dated and courted for like 3 years and got married.

We got married 2 years ago. Life has been good until last month. Chike came back to the country. He has been abroad since. He came to see us and we were so happy to see him. KC insisted that he should stay with us. It was fun,catching up with him. He was still single.

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KC and I are expecting our first child together. Since Chike has been staying with us,we gist late into the night sometimes,just like old times. He jokingly calls me our wife too. Well,all was going well until KC had to travel for a business trip to Abuja.

I never in my mind thought him leaving would open doors for anything. I thought I was over Chike. But was I really? Few nights ago,last month, Chike and I stayed up later as usual. I left the sitting room around 10pm and went to my room to sleep.

Chike came into my bedroom about 25 minutes later. I asked him what he wanted and all he did was come closer to me and shockingly kissed me. I thought this was a joke. I mean,why..what was he doing….he was kissing me and saying : I am so sorry…so sorry I was too dumb and stupid and did not love you back then..

Back when???…Chike kept apologizing for not loving me during NYSC when I showed him I was in love with him. This was strange and too much for me. I was confused and told him I couldn’t do what he wanted now but the more he kissed me,the more my entire body sparked on fire for him.

I do not know if I could have fought him back hard enough. I clearly had something for Chike. I found out that I am not over him. My feelings for him were only buried. I was in love and my heart was racing. With my 7 months pregnancy,I slept with Chike.

I feel so bad and broken and ashamed for saying this but we slept together several times before my husband KC returned. Chike had to run out of the house soon as my husband returned. He lied about receiving an urgent call to return back to US. We both could not stand to look KC in the eye for what we had done behind his back.

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Chike returned back to his base but we have kept in touch. He and I are in love. I know I should not be saying this but this is the whole truth. I married KC but I am not in lobe with him. What I have is respect. My heart is with Chike.

Chike wants us to tell KC …he is willing to risk it. He swears he will not stop until we are together. He wants to tell KC what is happening. He is asking me to leave KC and join him abroad. He sent me money to start processing my papers to join him.

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Chike does not care that I am pregnant. He is willing to loose anything if I will only join him. I do not know if I can travel with my pregnancy at this stage but he says I can. Maybe we tell KC that I am just going on holiday or going to give birth in US…and after that….reveal to him that our marriage cannot work.

You probably hate me now…..but this is my truth…how do I continue living in a marriage where I am not faithful to my husband and my heart is with another man…I do not think that is fair to KC. …Chike even said he told KC while we were in Nassarawa that he was in love with me but not ready to get married but he was afraid of telling me cos I was too good for him.

Chike feels that KC knew he had feelings for me but capitalized on the fact that he was not in the country. I do not blame KC…Chike was too chicken at the time to acknowledge his deep feelings for me at the time…but what about now…should we pretend there is nothing between us and continue living  lie….

Please help me…do not curse me out…I deserve that..but please I need your objective advice ..my life depends on this….my happiness depends on this..I will never look at KC again the same way after I have slept with Chike…..

Help me…

 

Anonymous

 

 

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Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

2 COMMENTS

  1. Hello,

    No one wants to curse you out here but we cannot help you without telling you the truth…

    Its ok if you feel that you married the wrong man but you married and that is a serious deal…marriage is not a casual thing you can just discard when you do not have feelings for the one you married anymore.

    Marriage is a vow…one that cannot just be broken…

    So…I am sorry you feel you married someone but you are in love with another…my truth on this matter is: STAY MARRIED PLEASE!

    God…you made a mistake…you married the wrong one???…really?…what if Chike never came back?..what if he is deceiving you?…have you really thought long and hard about this decision you want to make?

    You may love someone does not mean you can stay married to that person…lets assume you leave KC and marry chike…what is the guarantee you will stay married?…Love?…come on…if you cheat to marry someone…what is the guarantee they will not cheat to leave you too?

    Is anyone even thinking of the unborn baby in this whole situation?…Your baby deserves to be born in a home where he or she will be loved by both parents living together in love and harmony.

    KC did you no wrong…he does not deserve this betrayal from you and Chike…if he did not trust both of you…he never would have traveled leaving both of you alone in the same house…you broke his trust…you should be thinking of how to make things right not more worse…

    This ”day dream”with Chike will not work…its exciting you but its just a phase that will not last….

    Love is a choice..not a feeling…you choose who you love…you do not marry who you love but you LOVE THE ONE YOU MARRY..ITS A CHOICE!

    my advise: speak up and tell your husband.Make him know you are sorry..ask for forgiveness…make him understand it was a moment of weakness because of feelings you HAD for chike but not because those feelings are going to control you again…

    You need to make things right…if you put in enough effort….you will find out that you are indeed in love with your husband…not a figment of your imagination that rejected you when you were a single woman.

    I hope you find the courage to make things right. KC will be greatly disappointed but hopefully both of you will work through this situation and come out better and stronger in your marriage.

    Get help …see a marriage counselor….address the issues and move forward into your future with love and determination to be happy with your marriage.

    Wish you all the best.

  2. I want to ask you few questions and be honest with your answer.
    1) Has your husband KC been bad towards you, would you say he is a bad husband?
    2) Does you husband not provide you with your needs?
    3) Would you have considered leaving your husband if Chike had not come into the picture?

    Truth is, you are married and you have to stay married unless your husband is treating you badly. If your husband isn’t treating you badly, then you shouldn’t leave him.

    As for Chike, I don’t think whatever you have with him will stand the test of time.
    I mean he rejected you before. He might think he loves you because you now belong to another man. Yes there are men who will never look at a woman when she is single but will start chasing her when she has another man in her life.
    Watch it, Chike might just be a destroyer coming to destroy what you have with KC. His coming after you might just be an ego thing not out of love. It may just be a conquest thing for him.

    Beside, you are married now. Chike ought to respect the fact that you are married now and let you be. Him coming after you even when he knows you are married and even sleeping with you in your husband’s house shows he lacks character and I don’t think you will be happy being with a man that lacks character.

    My advise is that you leave Chike alone. You will not be happy with him I guarantee you that.
    Face your husband. Learn to love him. Don’t focus more on his bad sides. Look at his good sides and you will see yourself loving him.

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