Monday, July 6, 2020
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Married But I Have Strong Feelings For My Sister’s Boyfriend

Dear Jzhane,

Please hide my identity. My younger sister is 38 years old. I am 44. We have been praying for her to get married for so long. You can imagine our happiness when she told us she was in a relationship about 4 months ago.

My sister as never been so happy and it looks like things are serious with the guy. She sent a picture of the guy on our family group chat and that was when I recognized the guy that she was dating.

To cut the long story short,she is dating the guy who dis-virgined me at age 17. He was 15 years. 2 years younger than me but he was my first. We hid the relationship then cos we were in secondary school. I was in SS2 and he was in SS 1.

But after secondary school,we dated until my 300 level in school. Still hiding our relationship cos he was not yet in school cos of JAMB. I was a little ashamed to be dating a guy not yet in school.

Eventually,I moved on to other people and did not keep in touch with him. However,I met him about 3 years ago. I was already married to someone else but seeing him brought back such strong feelings. And to make matters worse,I was having issues in my marriage at that time.

We had an affair for almost 2 months before we broke up again. I have not seen him in 2 years. My sister and him met about 4 months ago and they are dating. I do not know how to tell my sister …so I reached out to him to ask him what he is doing with my sister.

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He was like,if he cant have me,he wants my sister. That he is in love with her…that she reminds him of me…I feel like telling my sister that he may not really like her as she thinks but he is only trying to get back at me. But he says if I do,he will tell my husband about our affair.

Since then,I have kept quiet. But my conscience is bugging me. I pretend to be smiling around him but I hate him so much. This hate actually,if I must confess is a deep urge for him. A deep longing for him.

He has promised to keep quiet about us if I also keep quiet. That nobody needs to know. But anytime am around him…or even thinking about messed up. He gives me that knowing look. I cant even let him come near me…I get wet instantly..

This guy knows I have a weakness for him and him being around me is totally making me loose my mind. I get all kinds of arousal around him or thinking about him. Sometimes I wish I could marry him.

My sister just announced in the group chat that he gave her an engagement ring…I could not sleep. I want my sister to be happy…she deserves it. But what do I do….I have strong feelings for this guy.I do not want to be around him or I do not know what will happen.

Please advise me on what to do. Telling my sister is out of the question cos if I do,this guy will ruin my marriage. He has pictures of us during the affair. Should I just keep quiet and stay out of their way?

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I am confused…please advice me.


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A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J


  1. Hello,

    I think you know already know what to do even before you asked for advice. But here is my take:

    You need to tell your sister and your husband…end of story. And the truth shall make you free.

    However,this may be cause alot of pain for your sister and your husband but they both deserve to know.

    Who knows,if your sister genuinely loves him,they can get past this challenge. And your husband might forgive you…eventually.

    Their knowledge will be liberating for you as well. As that will help you stay away from that guy knowing everyone is now aware of your secret.

    The only other option is for you to sign a non disclosure agreement/deal with this guy and hope to God that he keeps the end of the deal…that is very risky too.

    In all…please do the right thing and get that guy out of your emotions.


  2. Thanks a lot ma for being so frank about your emotions. I believe your mind is playing tricks with you. Be contented with your husband and marriage. Focus on building your home. You have every strength to be a master over your emotions at this level of your life. Detach yourself completely from thoughts about your sister’s husband. Entertaining it further can ruin everything your family stands for. Don’t groom or feed your imaginations. Iam talking to you as an adult.thanks

  3. Madam,you are having strong feeling for our sister boyfriend because he was the one that disvirgined you. ,as a Christian you should by now have understood that anyone you have sex with you are already one with the person so u guys enter into soul ties together a that explains the feeling you are having on the contrary you will never be faithfully to your husband as long as you’re having this feeling even if your sister marries this guy you might want to still have extramarital affairs with the same guy,what you are suffering from is list you are listing after the guy that disvirgined you ,and seriously I feel you should check your motives before thinking of whether you want to tellnur sister if the guy likes her or not,probably u are jealous and you want to keep the guy to yourself because you get wet just by seeing the guy so ur emotion are running you down ,the solution you should be seeking is yourself because from everything stated her you are the one with the problem so my candid advise for you as a Christian is to go and see a pastor,or better still tell your husband what you are feeling if he truly loves you he will see your sincerity and know you are been truthful and he will respect the more you try to hide this feeling the more it consume you its small now but a time will come it will consumed you and you will have no control best option is tell your husband by so doing you expose and feel that feeling and then. You walk things out with your husband,thirdly see a physiologist some of this problem can be resume that’s why they exist anyway they could offer help to to you,best of luck


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