Friday, May 29, 2020
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Marriage Has Brought Me Nothing But Shame And Disgrace

Dear Jzhane,

I just want to thank God for your life. I see the great work you do by advising couples here and I pray God to continue to give you the wisdom to do more. I am a married man. In my early 40s. I have been married for 5 years now. Things have not been easy with me and my wife.

I am a salary earner. I earn less than 60k every month. Well,its low because I started as a dispatch rider until I finished my ND program where I was promoted to supervisor position in my company. So far,I am still earning this little amount as my company,a printing press does not really pay well. And you know,there are really no jobs out there.

My wife: we got married because she got pregnant as my girlfriend. I was not prepared but I had to take up my responsibility. She is just an SSCE holder. Before I knew it,we were living in one room apartment with a child. We try as much as possible to do some small business here and there to make ends meet.

Before my child became 2 years,my wife took in again. I was angry cos we could barely feed ourselves and now she is pregnant with another baby. Well,people say children are blessing from God. We have been managing since that time. But living has been hell. Sometimes,no money to eat for days.

Majorly as a result of our financial situation,we always have fights and arguments. And my wife is fond of reporting me to her family once we quarrel. Her father and brothers will now call me and start abusing me. This has happened many times but as a christian,I maintain my cool. The Auntie is the worst. That one will tell her to pack her things and return back to them.

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Well,I know its because I don’t have money that things are this bad.So,I focus on being better so I can provide better for my family. But honestly speaking,things are yet to change. All I get is insult from day to day from my wife and her people. Just last year October,my wife got pregnant and this time,I told her to abort it. I cannot have any child except they want to kill me.

Her family kicked against it. I told them I cannot shoulder the responsibility but they mock me saying if I can sleep with a woman,that I should expect pregnancy. Well,I told them if they do not want abortion,then they can come and take their daughter. Finally,my wife saw reason and we did the abortion.

Now,since that time,we have been very careful not to have another baby. But around January this year,I began to notice my wife hanging around my landlord family. I warned her against such but she just refused to heed. I know my family affairs became their gossip topics anytime she went to see them.

Not long after,I started noticing she was so close to my landlord’s son. I called her and warned her. Yes,she will never listen to me,after all,I do not have money .She continued. In February,she came and told me that she is pregnant. I was shocked but immediately my spirit tell me that the pregnancy is not mine. I knew she slept with the landlord son and she is pregnant for him.

I got so furious and told her she is lying. She swear on her children life that she did not cheat. So,I said,if she did not cheat,we will keep the baby but she says no that she cannot keep it because we do not have money for another child. This make me suspect her more. I know we are not financially ok for another child but I so suspect this woman is pregnant for my wife.

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Now,when I pass,everyone in my compound will be gossiping about me. I had to confront the landlord son. He had the audacity to call my wife a slut. This woman has brought big shame and disgrace to me. I want to leave my home and abandon her and the children. But I feel for my children. One thing is,that pregnancy is not for me. I bet my life that its not mine. I wish I have money for to do DNA.

I also wish I can move out of my apartment to save shame but I have no means to do that right now. Do you know my wife still denying everything even till now? Please advice me. What can I do?

I want to send my wife away to her parents. Let them help her do the abortion but even after that,she will never return to my house again. Its like I made a huge life mistake of ever knowing her. She has brought me nothing but bad luck. I need advice Please.

From Jonah,



Photo Credit:Dreamstine

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A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J


  1. Hello Jonah,

    You are passing through alot right now. And I empathize with you. Bur first things first,you have to breathe…take a few hours…go somewhere that is free of pressure…and just relax.

    Your situation is quite complicated. I think at this point,your wife’s family can really be of help. Since they always tell her to return home anytime there is a problem. So,let her go home. Stay with her folks a little bit while you try and figure out the next step.

    She can do whatever she likes with her pregnancy,its her body…and if you are extremely sure its not yours,you will never be able to accept that child or love it. Its her call.

    Both of you need a physical separation for the time being. The emotional turmoil is too much at this time. When you have that alone time,use it to pray and ask God for direction on what next to do. If you guys want your marriage to work,after the time out,there must be ground rules. By that time,hopefully you have moved out of your current apartment where you have become the laughing stock of everyone.

    As for your children,is there any family member that can help look after them? Like your mother? That is,if your wife cannot take them with her.

    Take it easy…..take time to plan your future. Do not let your present situation determine your life. Life is hard but when it gives you lemons,make lemonade.

    You and your wife are welcome to a session with any of our counselors for free. This is very necessary for you both to communicate properly and find practical steps on how to move forward as individually and as a couple.

    Dont forget to pray. God hears you and He will help you find a way and solution.

    Keep the faith. God bless.


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