Okey looked at me with so much disgust and blurted out: You are a slut,we are done,get out of my house. I want a divorce….My heart sank…I crumbled on the floor where I was kneeling and begging my husband to forgive me. I have been crying and now,I had no more tears to shed…I only have deep heaves…I wished I had a heart attack that instant and just exited this world…
That was me months ago as I was begging my husband to forgive me for lying to him. I have been married for eight years and we have bee trying to have a baby and nothing has happened yet. It has been a very trying time for us and I have been praying for God to answer our prayers.
When we finally received the diagnosis for the cause of our infertility,it broke my husband’s heart to know that he was the cause of our infertility. He has zero sperm count. A condition called: Azoospermia. We began to treat the condition two years ago. But I must confess,we are beginning to loose hope and this is affecting our marriage.
For the past one and a half year,we have been having a tensed relationship. I tried to be calm but as a woman,no one really understands how I feel incomplete with the inability to bear my own children. Worse still,society looks at me as the cause of the childlessness. Of course,no one except my mother knew and she was not happy at all.
My mother began to pressure me to find ”alternative” ways of getting pregnant. She advised me to file for a divorce but I refused. This went on for a while. My mother stopped speaking to us and even called us selfish for not wanting to try other methods to give her a grandchild. Later on,my husband’s mother also got to find out and to my uttermost shock,she was in support of my mother. She wanted me to try other ”sources” to get pregnant.
These two old women from the older generation were basically pushing me to cheat on my husband to get a child. They all said,its for the family’s good. As long as my husband did not know. They promised to arrange it. I kept trying to avoid them but after a while, began to yield. We planned it in such a way that I would have to travel to spend time with my mother in-law and there she would arrange for me to see the man they prepared for me.
I traveled last April to the village and my mother in-law disguised me to work at a brothel. I slept with several men for a few days. It was horrible but I told myself that I was doing this as a sacrifice for us to have a baby. I returned back to Lagos three weeks later. As planned,I slept with my husband immediately after I returned to make sure that if I turned out pregnant,it would coincide with the period I slept with my husband.
And yes,exactly six weeks later,I got pregnant. I told my mother in law and mother and they both were over joyed. I was so scared to tell my husband so they agreed that I should pretend to faint before my husband so that he would rush me to the hospital where we would both find out that I am indeed pregnant. I did that and that is how my husband got to find out.
He was overjoyed and surprised. The doctors called it a miracle. We were over the moon. We became close again. We fell in love again. Our marriage began to work out again. Until,my husband fell sick and he tested for Hepatitis B. He became very sick. We began treatments but the treatments are quite expensive. And he really suffered.
In August,I got sick too. I also got Hepatitis. It was clear that one of us contacted the ailment and gave the other. This condition affected my pregnancy which was barely three months and I lost the baby. We were both devastated. I became depressed and went into severe shock. While we were treating ourselves,my husband attacked me and said I gave him the Hepatitis. He accused me of infidelity because he said he had never had s*x with any woman since we got married eight years ago.
I tried to deny that perhaps we got the disease from other non s*xual sources but he was adamant. He kept saying that I brought curse to his home. He was ready to take me to Okija to swear on my innocence. I then called his mother who came and tried to persuade him not to do that but to my surprise…he shouted at his mother to leave him alone. That night,I could not sleep. He said we would travel the next morning to Okija.
I woke my husband at night and started to cry. I could not bear the burden of the secret I kept anymore. So,I told him everything that happened. He just sat there looking at me like a pig and there was so much pain and shock in his eyes. He went to mama’s room and asked her if what I said was true. She looked at me and knew I had confessed. She then began to cry and try to explain. My husband could not believe how the two women closest to his heart conspired to do this to him.He cried like a baby.
The next morning,he moved out of the house and since then,we have been separated. While my mother in law is believing that my husband will forgive us,my own mother has been asking me to use this opportunity of a separation and get a divorce. I love my husband so much and I miss him. I have been doing everything to reconcile with him but he says he needs more time.
Its been almost five months. Should I keep waiting for him to come around or should I move forward. I know it will be hard for him to forgive me but I will forever be sorry for allowing the devil use me and my mother in-law to sin against my husband. I will never even forgive myself. So,is there any need of hoping that my husband will forgive me? If he did,we will still be married and childless….is this another way God is giving me to start a new life? …I still want babies…what should I do?