Friday, September 20, 2019
Home Advice Is My Wife Controlling Or A Caring Wife: Please Advice!

Is My Wife Controlling Or A Caring Wife: Please Advice!

Good evening Lively Stones,

I need your opinion on my marriage.I think my wife is trying to control my life and I do not know what to do about it. I got married four years ago. When I was dating my wife,she was calm but I notice she is a perfectionist. That is one of the reasons I even married her.

At first,I thought because she is a no sense person will help me be a better man so I ignored most of her behaviour  when she seemed controlling. She would insist we do things her way most times. And because her way is right most times,I always agree. After all,its for our good right?

The major red flag came when we were planning our wedding. She wanted almost everything her way. It even brought about some clashes between her and my sisters. But I felt wedding is really for the woman,so I kept begging my sisters to tolerate her. But when it came to my bachelor’s night,my wife,then,my fiancee refused and said I will not have a bachelor’s night.

But she had her Bridal shower. Her reason was that she did not trust my friends and I from not bringing girls at the bachelors. Well,as ,much as I knew I was not going to mess with girls but my single guys might bring their own girls..isn’t that why its a bachelor’s night? I just basically just wanted to have fun on my last day as a single guy but she would not let me.

My guys felt very upset and they queried me for letting my wife to be control me. I did not want to hurt my fiancee but I wanted her to trust me so I told her I would go on with the bachelor’s…after all,even if I wanted to cheat…its not where everyone who knows me will be gathered.

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That made her very angry and she sent me all sorts of insult and broke up with me…two days before our wedding. I could not believe how irrational her behavior was. Even because of her,I only took a bottle of alcohol at the party so as not to loose control of myself for any unforeseen circumstances. Only for her to be behaving so irrationally?

I became angry at her…and sent her some stinkers too. Our friends and families became frantic. But it was like my eyes became open and I started to think I was making a mistake with this marriage. I put off my phone and went our the whole day. When I came back that night,she was waiting for me.

She began to beg me and apologize for her behavior. That she only wanted to prevent my friends from luring me into sleeping with other ladies which they do at bachelor’s night. I told her I was disappointed she did not trust me.After a lot of talking sha,we made up and settled everything. We got wedded the next day.

From the day we got married,I began to see truly that I married a controlling woman who uses manipulation to make it look like its for our good. I truly saw that she did not want me contributing to the welfare of my siblings. She said we have to concentrate on our own family for now. I almost believed her. For the first year,I could not send anything meaning to my family.

My wife made sure that we were making our own plans. First plans for our children,their schooling…next she said we have to start making plans to build our own house. I liked how she seemed ambitious for us to be successful but she never encouraged me to give to my family while she was secretly sending monthly allowances to hers.

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My family eve found it hard to come around. If they came,she made it uncomfortable for them so they had to leave. Then,my friends,she would bad mouth all of them and made them look like bad friends. I discovered people were now staying away from me cos of my wife.

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The worst part is that when I try to talk to her,she would be saying she is doing everything for my own good. I really do not know what to do anymore…is this the way other marriages are?….is it a good thing to just focus on only ourselves for now? She says when we have made it before we can help others…

And why does she not want my friends around…is it not the same friends I had when she met me and agreed to marry me….is this behavior right …am I just being paranoid? To be honest,this makes me sad and sometimes,I feel like not coming home after work.

And of course,she goes ballistic when I go hang out with my friends after work….these same friends have their own wives and girlfriends who don’t give them trouble like mine….what can I do to stop my wife from taking total control of my life? Please help,I am at my wits end!

Larry (Not real name)

Abuja

 

Photo Credit:123RF.com

 

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Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

2 COMMENTS

  1. Hello Larry,

    Thank you for your email.

    To be honest and objective: your wife may just be genuinely caring but her approach may be the problem.

    Why do I say this?…well…take the bachelor’s night for instance….she was just jealous or scared you might do something stupid…but she over reacted…

    As for your friends….she maybe seeing certain things you who is in the friendship relationship might not be seeing….for example…as a married man,hanging out with your family should take priory over hanging out with friends…..if you must,take your wife along…am sure you do not want that either….my advice: hang out with your friends once in a while…do not make it often and do not stay out too late.

    As for how she treats your family: that has to be addressed. She should treat them like yours…if she sends money to hers why will she refuse to send to yours…have a conversation with her….table out issues bothering you and let her know you would be making compromises but she also needs to change her approach which seems controlling.

    No matter how small…make out a small percentage to send to both families…even if not monthly…it can be quarterly…

    You just need to sit your wife down and let her know you would do everything in your power to be a good husband to her and a good father to your children but you would not allow her controlling behaviors…let her get some training on emotional intelligence.

    You can advice her to join our whatsapp group too…she may learn a thing or two while there.

    Your marriage can be better..you just need to work on your communication. Both of you should also work on your compromise strategies….every decision in the house must be mutually agreed by both of you.

    She should also learn to trust your judgement as the man of the house…that means…you as the man must make sure you always take the right decision with regards to your family…..

    Wish you all the best.

  2. Good counsel from jhzane. A good balance is needed. Your families should not be forgotten, particularly yours. Clearly work out what should be due to them ,materially within the limit of your income/s. Emotionally and socially they should have access to you and your wife. The marriage is not a war zone but a uniting front for the two families concerned. Both of you should sit down and build your home. Your wife needs to understand that as a man ,you cannot be isolated from your family, admittedly reasonable bounds should exist where necessary. Take complete control of your home while taking her into confidence.
    As a woman she runs the nitty gritty of the home,and can decide to make your home uncomfortable for unwanted guests, be they biological relations or not, to avoid this prayerfully calm her down and address her insecurities. Be very careful how you accept her reports about the conduct of your siblings whenever they come visiting and also ensure your siblings are supportive whenever they are around. Planning for the future is ok ,but it cannot be done in isolation. Always pray together, attend bible studies together and reason as deep personal friends. Thanks

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