I Went Through A Horrible Marriage-How Do I Avoid Another Mistake?

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Dear Jzhane,

Please hide my name when you post this. I am a divorcee. I did not plan to be one but here I am,at 34,I left my marriage because I was constantly being threatened by my ex husband and his mother. When I met him,he was sweet,I had just relocated from the UK. We met at a business meeting. We clicked,dated for two years and got married.

What I did not realize though was that his mother was against me because of where I come from. Even though we are Easterners but different states and to her,I was not good enough. It did not help that I am not a conventional Nigerian woman. I am educated and well traveled,the fact that I have an opinion in matters seemed to annoy her. She felt I was too opinionated.

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So,even though,dating was sweet,marriage was not. Right from wedding day,my mother in-law interfered with everything in my marriage. She made it difficult to work out things. She moved in with us and dictated how my husband should treat me. I tried,God knows I tried but the environment became too hostile. There were times,I was almost pushed to become physical. That day,his mother called me a bastard with no home training. I left and filed for divorce and that was two years ago.

Now,I have been living by myself in my apartment. Trying to start afresh. I have not been in a serious relationship since the divorce. I just needed a break to clear my head and find my feet. Plus,I noticed,men just wanted to sleep with me or be with me for my money. By the grace of God,I am a Deputy Managing Director in one of Nigeria’s biggest FMCG companies.

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About four months ago,I noticed that my Driver’s attitude changed. I have been with this Driver for over three years. Mr. K is in his early 40s. A single father of 2. I noticed he started being really nice and caring. I actually see him more like family cos he has been with me in my darkest days. He is loyal and kind too. Sometimes,when I am running late,and there is no one around,I even ask him to help me with zipping my dress. I have never seen him disrespect me and I am grateful for that.

But I have observed that he is also quite free with me. Helps me pick up my laundry and even place them in my closet. I have a domestic staff but he likes to clean when he sees anything un-kept. Recently,he has been sending me suggestive text messages. Like love messages. He started with prayer messages,now,its love messages …hmm,I kept quiet.

Two days ago,he greeted me with a hug …I was taken aback but he apologized and said he could not help himself…I told him its alright. Later,he sent me a text that he is in love with me but he knows he cannot cross the line but he just wants me to know. Since then,I noticed he has been avoiding making eye contact with me. I did not talk about the text message but now,its so obvious that there is an elephant in the room.

I am a little confused…my Driver is in love with me?How do I address this? Its not like I do not like him but…so many things are bugling my mind: my past marriage experience,what will people say about us:me and my Driver;he has two children already,he is not that educated…last night,after he dropped me,he left rather in a hurry…I felt bad cos he may be thinking I have rejected him but I also want him to talk to me like a man,bring it up in person…maybe I can have the courage then to talk to him about the way forward for us..

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Even at that…what exactly am I going to say to him….if I reject him,how will he feel about continuing working for me? I would not like to loose him…he has been one of my most loyal friends…I guess…what I am trying to say is…is it alright to fall in love with my Driver after all I have been through? How will his people see me? Nigerians look at wives as should be seen and not heard…will a relationship ever work between us.

 

Will I not be making a second mistake?

 

From Anonymous LS Blog Reader

 

Photo Credit:MadameNoire

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2 COMMENTS

  1. Hello dear,

    First,you need to be sure of what you want as a woman after a divorce. Are you ready for marriage? Without a doubt,being married in this climes,you have to know that marrying a man means accepting his family and making some compromises….you do not have to be afraid of that….any good man will help you ease into his life and his family circle and they will treat you like a queen and as their own.

    Have you also taken a deep reflection of how you may have contributed to the break down of your previous marriage? Are there learning points? So,you do not make the same mistakes in your next relationship…marriage comes with making healthy compromises …there is no avoiding that.

    Now,as for your Driver,do not feel awkward..have a heart to heart discussion with him. Develop friendship first and see where it leads. Let him him know about your fears and reservations. I believe he knows a little about you and he is still attracted to you…am sure you both can make it work…you already see him as family right?

    If you are concerned about his social status,that can change…he may need to take part time studies…anything to help him be the type of man you want…help him be that…if you see that potential in him.

    The most important thing you should look out for in this relationship is:is he sincere,genuine,kind,godly and forgiving?

    You will figure it out,….gradually,one day at a time….do not rush it..talk with the man..

    God bless.

  2. Am a bit unsettled with your write up. My innermost alarm is disquieted. I sincerely appreciate your emotional state right now. You need to calm down a bit and really pull yourself together. Pl don’t get emotionally involved with your driver. Don’t encourage him with tacit approval. Their is a psychology in marriage that you cannot wish away. No matter how attracted you seem to be to your driver,once you marry him ,it will be a different ball game altogether. I cannot put everything down in writing here. Pl draw and keep your boundaries strictly. Pull your emotions together and maintain a prayerful low profile life for now. This should be a time of deep self reappraisal. Thanks

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