Hello! Good morning and Happy Holiday.
I don’t know how to start this but I feel like I am dragging him along. I know when I plan to do something. My energy drive goes overboard so I keep talking and planning till it is achieved. There is this dark cloud hanging in there and I am scared. People say that marriages and relationships are not void of our differences but then I still have to look inward and ask myself if I can truly differentiate between what is normal and what’s supposed to be a red flag.
I want a home where we both put efforts into planning (this is not the situation except I am the only one being vocal about mine). Let me start with the genesis of this doubts: I stumbled across his chats with some other lady.(I know I shouldn’t have). My heart fell a thousand times even though I tried to hide it. The most disheartening part of it was his flirtatious response. Although the chat was dated a year ago, he was already proposing a commitment of marriage even before he had that chat.
I tried to look past that anyways, but then the frequent postponement that irks me making me feel that this whole thing is secondary to him, backing down on our agreement with series of incoherent excuses. We both agreed to break the ice and talk about our decision for a long term commitment with our parents and pay them a visit together in person. I did mine and he relented on his. His excuse was wanting to put things in perspective first before doing that. This was our decision to start up things bit by bit because finance-wise having an apartment , wedding expenses and relocation funding would be exceedingly straining on our finances.
I feel this whole relationship arrangement is entirely boxed and relegated to some set of daily and weekly routine shaped into a scheduled calendar; more like having time for us when other things do not show up first. I want to be happy, I don’t want to be dragged into an atmosphere where I would always feel like I am crazy or I am just conjuring up things. We have both had these talks on all this and what makes a fruitful relationship. The effect of those talks is only temporary and soon after we are back to status quo.
Asides that, he is very supportive within his declared available means. We plan on moving in together. I haven’t had any reasonable contribution of ideas apart from him saying he’s saving up till when we are ready. Deep down within my heart, if I had the available resource I would plan on just going on my own . He is a very good friend and companion. He is a very good listener. I feel very comfortable with no need to hide any detail when I talk to him. We reason alike also although I sometimes think he just agrees with me to get by. He comes from a good home with proper morals and values.
But these dark shadows keep hunting after me. So I try to search myself within. I ask myself questions like: Am I just overthinking? Is this probably overwhelming? I know life is full of ‘ups & downs’ but am I going to sign up to live a life where the ratio of dissatisfaction to satisfaction is 50:50. Is it me? I have in times past asked if there is something I am not doing asides the non-sexual relationship agreement.
In summary, My fear is putting in energy/working hard and everything comes out crumbling. I rather not indulge if that is the case; but yet I have to take the risk of uncertainty and put in energy. All this is making my head spin.
How best do I go about this? Thank you for listening. I just needed to air this out and get it off my chest.