I Need Advice: Where Is My Relationship Heading To?

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Hello! Good morning and Happy Holiday.

I don’t know how to start this but I feel like I am dragging him along. I know when I plan to do something. My energy drive goes overboard so I keep talking and planning till it is achieved. There is this dark cloud hanging in there and I am scared. People say that marriages and relationships are not void of our differences but then I still have to look inward and ask myself if I can truly differentiate between what is normal and what’s supposed to be a red flag.

I want a home where we both  put efforts into planning (this is not the situation except I am the only one being vocal about mine). Let me start with the genesis of this doubts: I stumbled across his chats with some other lady.(I know I shouldn’t have). My heart fell a thousand times even though I tried to hide it. The most disheartening part of it was his flirtatious response. Although the chat was dated a year ago,  he was already proposing a commitment of marriage even before he had that chat.

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I tried to look past that anyways, but then the frequent postponement that irks me making me feel that this whole thing is secondary to him, backing down on our agreement with series of incoherent excuses. We both agreed to break the ice and talk about our decision for a long term commitment with our parents and pay them a visit together in person. I did mine and he relented on his. His excuse was wanting to put things in perspective first before doing that. This was our decision to start up things bit by bit because finance-wise having an apartment , wedding expenses and relocation funding would be exceedingly straining on our finances.

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I feel this whole relationship arrangement is entirely boxed and relegated to some set of daily and weekly routine shaped into a scheduled calendar; more like having time for us when other things do not show up first. I want to be happy, I don’t want to be dragged into an atmosphere where I would always feel like I am crazy or I am just conjuring up things. We have both had these talks on all this and what makes a fruitful relationship. The effect of those talks is only temporary and soon after we are back to status quo.

Asides that, he is very supportive within his declared available means. We plan on moving in together. I haven’t had any reasonable contribution of ideas apart from him saying he’s saving up till when we are ready. Deep down within my heart, if I had the available resource I would plan on just going on my own . He is a very good friend and companion. He is a very good listener. I feel very comfortable with no need to hide any detail when I talk to him. We reason alike also although I sometimes think he just agrees with me to get by. He comes from a good home with proper morals and values.

But these dark shadows keep hunting after me. So I try to search myself within. I ask myself questions like: Am I just overthinking? Is this probably overwhelming? I know life is full of  ‘ups & downs’ but am I going to sign up to live a life where the ratio of dissatisfaction to satisfaction is 50:50. Is it me? I have in times past asked if there is something I am not doing asides the non-sexual relationship agreement.

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In summary, My fear is putting in energy/working hard and everything comes out crumbling. I rather not indulge if that is the case; but yet I have to take the risk of uncertainty and put in energy. All this is making my head spin.

How best do I go about this? Thank you for listening. I just needed to air this out and get it off my chest.

Jessie

Port Harcourt.

Photo Credit:Healthline

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1 COMMENT

  1. Hello Jessie,

    I read your email and smiled to myself:your description of yourself sounds like me…I am quite vocal,my energy can be overboard,etc.

    The above describes a strong and intelligent and independent young woman. Sometimes we want to see nothing but perfection in our relationship but the truth is that your partner will never be perfect….

    Now,in relationships,some men can appreciate an intelligent woman,some feel intimidated…..so if you keep insisting on perfection..that could actually push the man away.

    As a young lady,you need to self regulate yourself,know when to be vocal and when to be quiet. That is not to say you should settle for anything…especially not a cheating man

    Now,addressing your fiance: if there are red flags and he is not showing commitment or enough dedication,you might want to lay low….give him a break…stop pressuring him…give him some time and observe his reaction or behaviour

    Do not sound or seem desperate….that could put him off…or he might see it as though he is doing you a favor by marrying you

    Find self love and enjoy being yourself …live life without regrets…focus on you more than him….

    Do not try to make a man see you….he should see you for who you are…he should respect and affirm your importance to his life.

    You said he is caring,good listener?…maybe you want to do a list of his good and bad parts…if the good outweighs the bad…maybe you want to overlook the bad..if not,then take a good review and advice yourself.

    Kayla..relationships and marriages can be hard: there is no one size fits all. Ask your self:having seen all his flaws (including tendency to flirt)….can I picture myself living with this man?

    Is this man a good man in your own judgement?….is he making small steps to improve….these are the questions you should ask yourself…is he the type that can compromise for the sake of your love once in a while…or is he a rigid,not agreeing to your ideas?

    You can both go for a little counseling session…that could also improve your communication issues.

    If you can…be strong and give it your best…if you cannot picture yourself….please read the riot act for the young man…give yourself a break…breathe and love yourself more

    We can talk more on the phone if you do not mind….

    Wish you all the best dear.

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