Sunday, May 31, 2020
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I May Have Lost My Husband But I Am Afraid Of Being Alone

Good day Admin,

I need advice. My husband is abroad. He has been there for three years now. He has only come home once since he left. The plan is for him to work a while and myself and our son can join him later on. Things are not easy for him over there. He works and goes to school at the same time.

I miss him so much and I feel alone most times. I am determined to keep myself and wait for his return or when I join him up. I pray for him and hope to God that all will be well with us very soon. Not until,someone sent me a text,a family friend. She told me to go and check one Tina Olga’s (not real name) page.

I wondered why I should but I did and there I saw pictures of my husband and one white girl in compromising positions.It was as if,my heart stopped. I almost went crazy. I eventually called my husband and asked him. He denied it and said the lady is just a colleague.

of course,I did not believe him and refused to speak to him for a week. He promised to stop hanging out with her. I asked him to swear he is not sleeping with her…he did but I know that too is a lie. I asked him to tell her to take down the pictures. As we speak,those pictures are still there.

I am beyond confused. Feeling so betrayed and helpless as I am here while my husband is so far away and this lady has taken over my man. This has been affecting my ability to function properly and its affecting me generally even at my job. My colleague noticed in the office. He called me and asked me what the problem is,I said nothing.

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But as days went on,he noticed I was mopping and not doing well,he had to call me to meet him to discuss outside the office. I was hesitant but in my helplessness,I met him in a restaurant close to our office. As soon as he asked me what the problem is,I just burst into tears.

I didn’t mind that people were probably staring …He just comforted me. When I told him what my husband was doing,he said I should calm down that most Nigerian men do that abroad to survive. That my husband loves me but he probably needs the white girl to get a resident permit.

That did not make sense to me but Nonso (my colleague) gave an advice to stop worrying and do not let this affect me or my marriage. I tried to smile after talking to him. That is how we got talking. We became very close. He helped me gain my confidence back and we started hanging out together mostly after work.

Nonso would come around and help my son with his homework and handle some chores that needed a man to do around the house. It felt good to have a man around to help. Nonso is divorced. His wife cheated and left with his friend. I was like a comfort to him too. We both clicked on the levels that people we loved cheated on us.

Few months later,I was sleeping with Nonso. It felt good. It did not feel wrong. I was shocked at myself for saying this but the fact that my husband was doing another woman gave me leverage to do my own dirty. Besides,I got needs and I have only slept with hubby once in three years.

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Recently,another colleague of mine found out myself and Nonso were seeing each other. She warned me to be careful. I asked why,she said cos Nonso is a womanizer. That was when my eyes opened and found out that Nonso had been with a few women in the office. I was angry at first but I realized Nonso and I were not married. I am still married so he is free to do what he likes right?

When I confronted him,he said he has stopped seeing other people since we met. I know this maybe a lie but isn’t this how all men lie? I am afraid of loosing Nonso. I need him but I am also scared he would break my heart like my husband did all over again….what am I going to do?

I cannot let go of Nonso…..not when I am so alone. I am afraid of being alone….I want to hold on to him until I can figure out what to do with my life….but I am afraid that I maybe falling in love with Nonso…do you think he would change since he loves me too? …maybe I would forget about him when my husband returns….

I am confused…I am an emotional mess right now…advice me…






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A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J


  1. Hello Chinwe,

    I think you know exactly what to do but you have told yourself that you are afraid of being alone:

    You are in the wrong sleeping with Nonso while still married…if you feel your marriage with your husband is over because he cheated…then dissolve the marriage first before sleeping with another man…..two wrongs do not make a right…you are as wrong as your husband

    From your description of Nonso…he is not a good friend either. He took advantage of your vulnerability and then he has a track record with women in your office…is this really the kind of man you want around you? Have you tested for STDs?

    Do yourself some good and put an end to this mess….you are still married…find a way to solve your marital issues..if you cannot…do the needful but have you tried praying for your husband? Have you involved family? Have you thought of going to join him? Have you thought of asking him to return to save your marriage? How important is this marriage to both of you? Do you really want to save your marriage? How bad do you want to save your marriage? Are you willing to fight for your marriage or just want to give up?

    Every thing is up to you to fix….stop feelings sorry for yourself….and pick up your life…

    Its okay to be lonely sometimes…get stuff to do..get a hobby or do something constructive like helping at an NGO or something…get busy…

    Do not settle for crumbs like Nonso…do not jump from frying pan to fire…

    You can do this…you are strong ,smart and God has got your back.

    All the best.


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