Wednesday, February 19, 2020
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I Married My Husband Despite The Red Flags-Now I Live With His Abuse

Dear Jzhane,

I have been trying to reach you for the past two months. Well am in an emotional and verbally abusive marriage which has lasted for 4 years 9 months. We and dated for a whole year before marriage.

To be honest, I saw all the red alerts but I kept telling my self he loves me and can’t hurt me. Through out the courtship he will quarrel,yell  and get angry at me at the slightest provocation but I thought it was the pressure of planning the wedding.
Plus his mother disagreed to him marrying me so from the start. There were complications but I felt standing by him will solidify our marriage. Just few days after the wedding ,all his characters of abuse intensified but I kept giving excuses for him.
Also he had to collect a loan for the wedding from where he works which couldn’t cover the cost of both the  traditional and white wedding. So from day one we were struggling financially. I kept faith hoping he finished servicing the loan things will normalize but still it got worse.
Immediately after the wedding also I got pregnant so all the pressure I was getting from him was affecting the pregnancy. I almost lost it getting prepared for the baby was strenuous but my mum helped providing most of d baby things.
Six months into the marriage he was cheating with a lady  whom he introduced to me as a friend he first met when he came to Kogi state which is where we live. I kept quiet. He was always saying that I am to be blamed for his infidelity and I am the cause of all the issues  in our marriage.
He was always calling me names, disrespecting me and my family.My younger sister came to visit when I put to bed, he asked her to leave unceremoniously. I have spoken to everyone about d marriage. I have prayed and fasted and cried. I have been sick . I have done all he wants, still he will always look for what to say I didn’t do right.
He is highly manipulative. He will tell people that I am not a good wife and that  I don’t know how to take care of a man. That I am not a good mother. That I am not what he wants in a woman but 12 months before the marriage he never said all these.
He made me believe he wanted to be married to me. Now, all that changed the moment I was in his house. I do all my best to tolerate all his complaints and his anger which ranges from from pouring my cooked food away;he broke my phone, he threw away my things out if the house. He locked me out of the house I slept in the cold cos during the harmattan in Kogi, its usually horrible.
He Threatens to deal with me countless times and take my child from me.He will withdraw his responsibilities from me like taking care of me,no  s*x, keeping malice for months, unending shows of no affection or love or compassion or empathy.
All this started and  I didn’t know it was abuse until recently I did some research and spoke with a therapist.
I mean finally I have decided to leave because of the last straw he gave me STD and slapped me almost beating me up I just left d room where he was. So what I want to say is verbal and emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse. There is no excuse for another human to treat another with spite , hatred, disgust and irritation.
Just one I made sure I didn’t take in again when I saw the way he was treating me I just knew I had made a huge mistake and it was  just a matter time before things will be worse. I keep thinking where do I start from, how do I leave with my daughter without him stopping me.
He is not even willing to fight to keep the marriage. He wants it to break always calling my people to say he is returning me back to them, not once,not twice.He knows his mother doesn’t like me and my child but he is insisting and forcing me to go and live with his mum.
I went to go back to school recently for my MSC which my mum agreed to sponsor which he doesn’t like for what reasons I have no idea.
Jzhane, see the issues are just too much and he keeps complicating it. I am not free at home, not even to watch TV.He will just change the channel. I stay mostly in my bedroom secluded alone with my daughter. He even told me to cut off from my family members.
I can’t say everything event after event but this should do for now.
I am tired and i want to leave but I am afraid he will be violent and take my daughter away from me. Please advice me. What do I do?
From Anonymous Woman,
Photo Credit:Youtube
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J


  1. You made the first mistake of marrying him despite the red flags. Don’t make the second mistake of staying again despite all these red flags. Otherwise you may not leave to tell the story, or even if you survive it, you may loss your sanity or become so broken that you will need serious effort to heal. Life is too beautiful for anyone to suffer like this.
    Truth is, you can not change him. Only God can change him. I won’t advice you to stay with him and pray for him. You can pray for him from a safe distance.
    What you need right now is to get a job or getting something doing that will be able to sustain you and your daughter so you don’t have to depend on anyone for everything you need.
    Meanwhile, you don’t have to let him know that you are leaving. You can move your things out when he is not around, and don’t let him know where you are. After a while, you can file for divorce if you still want to.

  2. Leave Kogi for Lagos, Ibadan or Abuja with your daughter where he cannot see you. Get something to do. Start a new life with your daughter. I am surprised that you have your certificate and you are not working. God on your side. Meee

  3. Pls leave that house before greater harm comes on you. it is well. i am sure your mom will be able to help you start a new life. there is no need for you to remain in such a toxic marriage. no human being deserves that

  4. Hello Dear,

    The first step in getting out of this is the fact that you have admitted that you were wrong to have ignored all the warning signs…

    However…its not time to cry over spilled milk…..from your illustration,its clear that marriage is a toxic one and I cannot imagine how suffocating it is to live in such an environment.

    My advice: first step..prayers!…I know you have prayed before but what were you asking God when you prayed? Did you ask for his forgiveness for not listening to his guidance before going into this marriage?

    You may not feel like praying or you may not know how to pray but take the next few days and cry out to God.

    God is your father and He loves you and He has good plans for you. Ask Him for his help…cry out for his guidance,his grace,his strength and wisdom to take the best next decisions for your life.

    After praying…speak to your parents if you can trust them to be discreet. If not,speak to a lawyer and start making your plans.

    I would not advice a straight up divorce…try a separation…a few months to be by yourselves and do some serious soul searching…after that,you both can decide if you want to work on your marriage or walk away.

    If you fear,he would take be violent if you leave with your baby….make sure you leave when he is not around and go where he cannot easily trace you and intimidate you.

    If you have a good job,your daughter will not be taken away from you…a good lawyer can argue that for you in court. As long as you can take care of your daughter,she will be left with you or custody will be shared between you and your husband.

    You need to ficus on rediscovering yourself. Work in yourself…what are your life’s goals? Work on achieving them now…become financially independent…finish your masters. Be a role model for your daughter…focus on God.

    You made a mistake in the past…now its time to rewrite the story of your life…

    I encourage you to be bold and courageous…it may be hard and painful but don’t give up.

    When life gives you lemons,you make lemonade…

    You are beautiful…smart and God loves you…you deserve better.

    God bless you.


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