Wednesday, February 19, 2020
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I Am Still In Love With My Ex & It Is Messing Up My Marriage

I have always loved Benny since I met her at a friend’s house warming party. She was such a bright and bubbly girl. She was 23. I was 39. The age difference is huge,I get it. But Benny did not look her age one bit. She looked quite mature and s*xy. Her attitude also was very mature. We tried to remain friends but the chemistry was too strong….

Benny and I dated for almost a year,I was head over heels in love with a girl that I was 16 years older than. She was in love with me too but she got ashamed of me when we went out. I met her family,her mother,a single mom who had her when she was 18 and her younger brother she had with a man that left her about 10 years ago. Very close knit family. I was at home with them,her mother approved after she saw how I treated her daughter but Benny was insecure with me.

Things became tough when Benny went to UK for her masters a year later. I tried to visit her now and then but I think she used her being away as excuse to break up with me two years later. I was hurt but I knew her age made her feel she could find someone better,some younger to be with. I did not fight her. I wanted her to be happy so I let her be. But I kept in touch with her family especially her mom.

Now,I did not plan this but almost a two years after Benny and I broke up,her mother got really friendly with me. I found out she was being a little too friendly …she was not in any relationship..I was single too. It was not planned but we started seeing each other first it was weird but it seemed right after all…we were age appropriate and single..but we hid it from Benny.

Benny’s mother is my soulmate…maybe I see a lot of Benny in her also. Thank God,Benny did stay back in the UK after her masters. Eventually her mother told her. She did not approve but when she realized how much we loved each other,she approved. I got married to Benny’s mom two and a half years later. It was a small but beautiful wedding.¬† Benny chose not to come,she gave an excuse of work..but I felt she did not want to see me with her mother.

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And I was right…probably after eight months after I got married to Benny’s mother,Benny came for a visit. This time,Benny’s mom and I were living in my house. Benny’s mom was also pregnant with my baby. Benny acted normal and happy for us but soon as she had an alone time with me,she made her bitterness known to me…she is very angry that I chose to marry her mother knowing fully well how she felt about me.

In my defense,I told her,we were done. She broke up with me. It was three years after we broke up. Why on earth would I be still in love with her. (that was a lie,I knew it,immediately I said it). …Benny moved out of our house after that argument to a hotel. Her mother felt really terrible. She thought her daughter was angry with her. I was not happy either but we had to accept things the way they were.

Benny was flying back to UK after a week. She did not come to see her mother. That made her mother very sad. I thought I could convince her to come say goodbye to her mother in order not to break her mother’s heart so I went to see Benny at her hotel. That was a big mistake. I realized I still loved Benny. I slept with Benny at her hotel. I was ashamed but I did it and Benny begged me to leave her mother and be with her. I was even more confused. I told her to go back to UK and that we would figure things out later.

That was last year. I returned to my wife…Benny’s mother. Our baby came lat October. I have tried to focus on my marriage but I am in love with Benny. I saw Benny again when I traveled¬† last November. She is pressuring me to leave her mom. She feels her mother would understand cos her mother would want her to be happy…but I was not so sure…what about my baby…will he understand that I left his mother for his Aunt?..I wish I could turn back the hands of time. It would be wrong for me to leave Benny’s mom even though I know I am in love with Benny.

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I made a new year resolution this year to put Benny behind forever…I wanted to focus on my family…I did not want to break up with my wife and leave her like the other men who left her (Benny’s father and her brother’s father). So,I called Benny on the 1st of January this year and told her it was over. I wanted us to do the fair thing and keep our love and emotions for each other in check and focus on the future.

Benny refused and called me a heart breaker. She cried and sent me emotional messages. Now,she is threatening to tell her mother that we slept together….she wants to break up my marriage by force…She says if she cant have me..her mother cannot..I am sick to my stomach when I think about what will happen if mother and daughter finds out what I have done.

I feel very ashamed, I have no one else to blame but me…but I know I acted in love…I am sorry but I love Benny…I cannot act normal around her…So, I have been thinking of removing myself from all the drama. Maybe I should leave. And probably Benny would never tell her mother and nobody ever finds out? It would be better if Benny’s mom thought I left for peace to reign instead of knowing that I still love her daughter and had s*x with her while we were married…

Please advise me…I just don’t see me confessing to my wife…she would hate me forever….my child too…he would grow up and hate me too..advise me ..I need help..

David from Ghana


Photo Credit:Love Sujeiry

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A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J


  1. David,

    Please the right thing to do is tell your wife and let her decide what to do with you

    Its either she forgives you and moves on or she lets you go for breaking her trust.

    Whatever will be the case,the relationship between daughter and mother maybe completely destroyed forever..

    Love and emotions are great but they need to be kept in check…you cannot hurt people who love you because of your emotions.

    Now,there is a child involved…this woman has been betrayed by men before in her life…now,you are joining the list and doing more harm with her daughter…her daughter is immature and selfish but you as the older one should have known better..

    You should never had slept with the daughter…that is a huge deal breaker

    But ask God for forgiveness and ask both ladies for forgiveness….

    I hope you find peace and rest after all this.


  2. “Maybe I should leave”: I think that is a selfish thought. ” probably Benny will never tell her mother”: very preposterous.In fact she will use your head to try and get back in her mother’s good graces.
    You gave your word before God on your wedding day remember?

    As for Benny, I don’t think she loves you the way you think. She just sees the good that she would have had and is envious so she won’t let your wife have what she can’t have. You gave her power over you when made her realize you were not over her. That’s something you need to work on. Get over her! Go for counselling, pray, pour all that energy into being a better husband and father and you’ll realize that you didn’t miss a thing by not following your “lust”.

    Real Love is in decisions and actions and not in only emotions and feelings. Honour your word to keep your Marriage. I believe its something worth fighting for. Stand by your resolution of January 1st. Tell your wife everything, if possible, with Benny on speaker phone, apologize to them for your mistakes, let your wife know that she means more to you and that you are willing to fight for your marriage. Allow her make her decision herself.

    I bet you if you fall for Benny’s cheap blackmail, you’ll realize your mistake in no time. She may eventually find someone younger than you and leave you high and dry.

    In fact all this hankypanky may just be her way of punishing you for moving on without her in your life. That smacks of immaturity and selfishness.
    Yes it’s true that your wife’s family will experience a rift but I believe with time and as Benny gets wiser she’ll realize her folly.

    Stand tall and Face your fears. Its what makes you a strong man. Who knows, your marriage can come out of this Fire stronger than ever.

    In all, keep hope alive.
    Wish you all the best.


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