Wednesday, February 26, 2020
Home Advice How To I Continue To Deal With Emotional Abuse In My Marriage?

How To I Continue To Deal With Emotional Abuse In My Marriage?

Hello madam,

Please keep me anonymous. I need advise and prayers because I am tired. My marriage does not feel like marriage since I got married six years ago. When I met my husband,he was not perfect but he was not this mean.

His temper is world class. Living with him is like walking on egg shells. Just to maintain the peace. But after six years with 2 children,I do not know how long I will continue to live like this.

Maybe its his upbringing or maybe he is just like the average Nigerian man I cannot tell. He never really showed this side of him when we were dating. We dated for 3 years. When we got married,he had a great job and provided well for the family.

However,his temper when he is annoyed became something else. For instance,if he complained that something was not clean,he would shout and shout unnecessarily. I tried to be the good wife by ensuring that everything was to his satisfaction.

He was never one to eat anything soup that was not fresh. He insisted I made a fresh pot of soup everyday. Again,as an obedient wife,I did that. He said he did not any house help so I did all the house work although,at weekends,my relative would help clean in the morning on Saturdays.

It was tough but I managed. Until he quit working last year. He said he wanted to start a business but he got duped by the person he wanted to do the business with. Everything changed. His temper became over 100% more. Even the children became scared of him now. Everything seemed to be annoying him. Since then,he has not gotten a job and its seriously affecting him and everyone in the family.

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I tried to tell him to start another business while he is looking for a job and he is like,a woman cannot tell him what to do. Besides he has no other money to start a business cos he borrowed most of the money that he was duped with. We are using my salary to pay part of the loan till today.

Many times,he says I am now proud and dictating to him cos I am the one providing for the home.I am not proud,I try to be very respectful. I work as a nurse and sometimes,I have very stressful days at work yet I still maintain his fresh cooked meals,clean house and even give him 80% of my salary so he does not feel like he is no longer in control of the house cos he lost his job.

Yet,at any slightest provocation,he yells and snaps at me. I have spoken to his elder sister and some close family members and church members,they all keep saying I should be patient and prayerful which I am. The issue is that his anger is beginning to give me panic attack and high blood pressure.

To be frank,I feel emotionally abused in this marriage. Yes,he has never been violent with me but I fear we will get there one day cos the day I dare challenge him when he is angry,he may cross that line.

The happiness I have in this marriage is my children alone. My husband is forever in a foul mood. I have tried to get him to communicate with me and all he does is say;I should learn to submit more as a woman. Ma,I am trying, I do not know any woman who can more submissive than I have been.

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The biggest issue I have now is that,since he does not work and is always at home,all he is always demanding for sx. He must have sx with me in the morning and night whether I am in the mood or not. Sometimes,I am so tired but he does not care. He says things like a woman must never deny the husband s*x otherwise she has herself to blame when he cheats on her.

That is what is scaring me too. I do not want him to cheat but having sx at least twice everyday is wearing me out. With my job as a nurse. Even if I do night shift,as soon as I come back,I must surrender to him for sx and he will demand for it as soon as I wake up.

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I am miserable and slowly loosing my mind. I need someone who understands what I am going through because I do not know what I can do anymore. Most times I break down and fall sick but I pretend to be ok just for my children cos I don’t have anyone to take care of them for me.

If anyone has ever been in my situation,please share with me how you survive this cos my strength is failing me. I actually feel like quitting the marriage…I need advise…

 

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Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

2 COMMENTS

  1. Thanks a lot for sharing. I feel really touched with ur story. This is a bit of personality disorder. His experience when growing up as a child is reflecting now. He needs help. Sound counseling will help.
    But first remain calm. Don’t loose your head over this. You need ur full tact to scale thru. Continue to be loving to the best of your ability. From the 80% of ur salary u give to him ,does he provide for feeding etc. ? If not, reduce the money you give to him.Does he assist you domestically.? Secondly encourage him further to start some other thing, no matter how small. Getting busy will help him much. Thirdly get signaficant people in his life to also talk to him. Take a break where possible. Do ur very best to safeguard ur home but not at the expense of ur life. Pray for him and with him regularly. Avoid exchanging words with him as much as possible. Separate from him for ur life as a last resort.thanks

  2. Hello madam,

    Thank you for reaching out. The first step is realizing this is not a good thing that is happening and you need help.

    I wish we could get your husband to speak too. Clearly,his temper is as a result of something you are unaware of and he needs help to deal with his anger. He may have a behavioral disorder and he may not even realize it. Hurting people hurt others. Unfortunately,it appears he does not really listen to you.

    You need to continue praying but pray with strategy. When you pray,what do you ask God for? Do you ask Him to heal your husband’s heart and take away the anger in him?

    Anger is an evil spirit. Your husband’s constant temper may have been developed way before he met you and you never noticed it. I think its time to address it. Prayerfully tackle this. Ask him to join you to hold hands and pray. Pray for peace in his heart and his home. Pray that every time he sees you,he is at peace. Pray that things will change for him financially. That he gets a job or business that will be profitable.

    Then you should speak to someone in his life that he listens to. That is,if he is opposed to the idea of counselling which would have been a better recommendation. If that person can,they should convince him to see a psychologist or therapist. He needs some anger management sessions.

    I pray the above works but if it does not,then you may need to temporarily leave the house. Perhaps go stay with your inlaws or family members so you can stop hearing those abusive words.

    Call the elders of both families. The reasonable ones I must add cos some family so called elders only make matters worse. They should be able to speak to their son.

    Remember,your heath is paramount. If you do not take care of yourself…and it gets worse….you may not be alive to raise your kids or to even save your marriage.

    Reduce the amount of money you give him. Start saving up for yourself. Avoid all instances of confrontation. Ignore him when he starts his tantrums. Apply alot of emotional intelligence when dealing with him. Show him love,tolerance but show yourself more love cos you need it. Take care pf your heart and health.

    Above all,be strong and courageous. Trust God to make all things better as you do all that has been suggested above.

    God bless you.

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