Thursday, October 17, 2019
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How I Discovered My Wife Is Hiding Things From Me:Please Advise!

Hello Jzhane,

I am having problems in my marriage. We have been married for 7 years now with 3 kids. My wife is the cause of our problem and she does not appear to want our marriage to work.

Even though she is a nice woman,communication has always been a problem between us. Sometimes,I wish I had not ignored that when we were dating. I made excuses for her when we had communication issues then.

My wife came from a polygamous home where there was always mistrust and suspicion of each other. That made her find it difficult to trust people. Her parents separated and her father did not care about her and her siblings.

My wife has carried that same attitude into our marriage. I made my reservation known to her about her ability to trust during our courtship. She assured me she was working on that. I felt empathy towards her too. I mean,its not her fault that she cannot trust people.

My wife runs a fashion business. She always made me believe she was barely making any money from her business. Complaining of staff sabotage,theft,poor patronage..etc. So I have been the one basically responsible for everything we need to run our home.

From school fees to house rent to feeding to everything. I earn close to N150k. That is very little needed to run a family of 5. But I struggled and did my best for my family. There were some very difficult times but we pressed on.

In the course of our marriage,my wife lied to me that her elder brother was building a house for their mother. A year later,this same brother bought her a land and said we should build on it when we are ready.

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This year,I wanted to apply for loan cos things were so difficult for us. I asked my wife if we could use the land as collateral. She refused vehemently. I felt she was selfish. I mean,the brother bought it for us together,not her alone. But she refused.

All these while,I had never seen the papers of the land. One day,as she left the house,I returned home and searched her things for the land papers. That was the beginning of our problems.

That day,I found out my wife had 2 houses and several lands in this Lagos. I saw photocopies of the properties’ documents. All were in her name. I was so shocked but when she got back and I asked her,she became very hostile,upset that I went through her things.

My wife refused to explain how she got all those properties cos I told her not to lie cos there is no way her brother could  afford to buy everything for her. I questioned why she kept all a secret from me. Instead of my wife to explain,she said it was not my business.

What man would not want to know how his wife amassed so much properties while the family had been struggling all through the marriage? My wife’s excuse is that,she could not trust me to tell me cos she did not want to end up like her mother who was abandoned by her father.

I am not like her father and she knows it. I know her fashion business could not have given her the means to acquire all the houses and lands either. I accused her of having a source of funding that I know nothing about.

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Since that time,we have not been seeing eye to eye. I called her family to talk to her but are clearly in support of her. I told my wife that I am no longer comfortable in the marriage cos of what she did. I told her to either come clean with me or our marriage is done.

Her response would shock you: she said that she knew men could never be trusted and it was for this same reason I gave her that she did not tell me about her houses and land. In her words: for fear of losing it all when I found out.

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While I don’t blame her for her serious lack of trust,it does not take away the fact that my wife is deceitful and untrustworthy. I have been struggling as a man to come to terms with this. She has said we can move into one of her houses which is in Ikeja GRA. But I swore not to do that until she tells me how she got the funds to get all her properties.

Our marriage has not been the same since. She does not even respect me anymore as the man of the house. My family thinks she has a sugar daddy sponsoring her. I suspect that too but I have been too hurt to think about what to do.

How do I remain married to such a person? Please advise me.

 

Ogbonna

Ikorodu,Lagos.

 

Photo Credit:Shareanonymous

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Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

3 COMMENTS

  1. Hello Ogbonna,

    This matter is quite complicated. Please let your wife know that you are not interested in her money or her houses,that you just want to make sure she got the properties through legal means.

    In any case,if its illegal,its not in your name,so you should not worry too much about that.

    She could have told you how she got those properties ….without including your name…and should have been fine….what could she be hiding?

    Even now that you know about it and she is unwilling to come clean…that is very worrisome.

    My only advise to you is: keep calm. Dont worry,there is nothing hidden under the sun. One day,the truth will come out.

    Move into her house if it will ease your financial burdens. But if you feel uncomfortable,remain in your rented home.

    Since she thinks you maybe after her houses or abandon her like her father did,don’t leave your marriage. You should actually live your marriage through the good and bad times. This is one of those times.

    Don’t leave. just be super careful and observant. I know its hard cos the fragile trust in your marriage seem lost but please don’t give up. Don’t be mean to your wife.

    Continue to love her despite her flaws. She will be the one at loss if she continues like this.

    I sincerely hope she changes before its too late.

    God bless your home.

  2. Hello ogbona
    The story is sad. But the fear is great too.
    If your assessment of your wife is right you will be risking your life following her to her house. Like it looks your wife is already a millionaire while both of you were living a “thousandnaire”.
    She might be involved in rituals or some criminal.activities because through your narrative she is not potrayed to us as ä wayward and for a wayward woman to acquire such is not even easy.
    For your sake and that of your children, may be your marriage, I will suggest you get her to confess by all means legally
    But be very carefull. One day she may even try to.leave you or get rid of you.
    God help you

  3. Thanks for sharing your story. Am really shocked but in another breath i will say am not. There is no shade of human character you will not see in this life. That is why in Igbo culture we usually say that you don’t just marry an individual but also the persons family.
    Your wife’s conduct clearly shows the nature of her family background.
    Pl i advice that you distance yourself from her “wealth” in every ramification. You need to be in the know of how those assets came about. It is really amazing! Whereby such information is not freely available, bid your time for your days are numbered.
    Give her all the assurances she needs to open up to you. It will actually be a very big secret that you may not be able to handle, but it’s your right to know. She may even be in danger! But if she decides to black you out, let the relevant people in your life be aware of shape of things, get your church leadership involved . Don’t go for divorce, but expect the worst! Continue to live within your means and for the sake of your children fight for your home.

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