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How Do I Tell Her That I Do Not Believe In Getting Married?

Hello,

So I just want to put it out there and be honest about how I see things to this wonderful lady that I have been seeing for almost a year now. I love her and she makes me happy. Like most girls in relationships expect,she is already nudging me about where our relationship is going…

Well,I know she is expecting marriage but the truth of the matter is,I do not believe in marriage. I also do not believe in monogamy. Shocking right? Why would I believe when all around me,all I see is marriages breaking up and people supposed to be committed cheating on their spouses.

To buttress my stand on this,I grew with a single parent. My father kept telling me and my brother how our mother betrayed him by sleeping with his best friend.On his part,he was with several women all through our growing up. He pretty much groomed me to believing you do not have to be married to be happy or successful in life.

My father and my Uncles,even some of my aunts are not married. The ones who did get married got divorced later on. I have been heart broken by girls I genuinely liked …I am good looking and doing well by myself. Maybe for some,marriage could be an option but not for me.

I been happy so far with my resolve until I met Lucy. I must be honest,I have not been exclusive with her but being with her kinda changed my life. She is smart,kind and very tender. She comes from a family that is very close. Her siblings all married ..her parents married for over 30 years.

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When I met her family after 4 months of dating,I became scared. They were so good to me. Her father even asked me what my intentions were for his daughter. I couldn’t lie. I said we are just dating. He looked at me,not too impressed. I tried to stay away from Lucy after meeting her family but I could not last a week.

We been together almost a year now.I have been the happiest these few months. Its easy to love Lucy. She makes life look easy. But these days,she keeps hinting that she needs to know where our relationship is going. Or else,she needs to move on. I am scared of loosing her. She is the first woman I would be scared of loosing. I love her so much.

But every time I remember how bitter my dad was about my mom and their marriage…I freeze….should I tell Lucy the reason for my reluctance? Will she understand ad still want to be with me? I told her already about my growing up but she does not fully understand the impact this had in my life.

What should I do….tell her or what…I am not going to get married…marriage is not for me…how can I be a good husband when I already feel like this?…or what if she leave me like my mother left my husband….it would wreck me like it did all over again….this is my life…please advice me.

 

Kola (not real name)

Ibadan

 

Photo Credit:Madamenoire

 

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Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

2 COMMENTS

  1. Please tell her you don’t have the intention of getting married. So she can move on with her life. You can’t tie her down when you have no intention of marrying her and you know she wants to get married. Don’t selfish. Don’t be an enemy of progress. Don’t misled her and string her alone. Tell her so that she can find someone who is interested I. Marriage as she is.

  2. Kola,

    You got serious psychological issues from growing up. You were exposed to the pain your went through when your mother left…perhaps you also feel betrayed by your mother leaving.

    Matters worse….the marital problems of those around you did not help matters….so sad..so sorry you went through all of that

    But if you met someone who makes you feel this way….maybe God is trying to help you find light and live a better life from your past

    But first,you must find healing for yourself….marriage works….it just takes faith and determination by both parties….talk to your girl..help her see the struggles you had to face…she maybe a little patient with you but in the meantime,you have to see a professional psychologist

    There are mommy abandonment issues to be dealt with….you need to come to terms with the fact that you could not have done anything to change your past but you have the power to make sure your past does not define your future

    Learn from the mistakes of your parent….forgive your mom…talk to her..find out what happened…maybe if you saw why their marriage really broke down,you could feel some empathy for them….

    But…NEVER allow their mistake hold you back…you deserve some happiness…this girl changed your life you said?….you see,marriage can actually be fun and happiness….you just need to let go of the past and let light flood your heart.

    If you do not let go to the past…you could never see a bright future….and you should let this girl go…she does not need to feel pain cos of your past too.

    But I have faith in you…why? cause,you have taken the first step..by reaching out to us…so my advice is: talk to your girl..be honest and open up to her.

    Take some time to go for therapy and deal with the demons of your past…maybe then you can be ready for marriage. I hope your girl can wait for the process…if she cannot…let her go….you need to find you…you need to fix you so you can be better for her or any other lady that you end up marrying.

    Look,all this is not to say marriage is a bed of roses…its like life…full of challenges…but once you find that one person who both of you can have faith in God and determination to stand by each other…you will be fine.

    How is your relationship with God…your fellowship with God will make most of your struggle easier….you see,God is love…if you are able to experience God’s liquid love…it will be easier for you to forgive your mom and let go of the past and open your heart for a brighter future.

    Do not give up…there is always light at the end of every tunnel.

    Cheers.

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