Help…I Am Trying To Build My Marriage But This Guilt Is Killing Me

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Good day LS,

I was introduced to your blog three months ago and I must confess,it has been a huge blessing to my life. I love to read the stories and how you and one of your commenters:Uche always advice on the issues. I am a believer and I thank God for people like you who are fighting for godly marriages. I have been married for twelve years and it has not been easy but I thank God for His grace.

I am constantly being eaten up by the guilt of what I did about a year ago. It was a horrible mistake and I cannot forgive myself. You see,years ago,when my marriage was about eight years,my husband cheated on me. When I found out,I was broken.I mean.we are Christians. I never dreamed that one day,we would find ourselves in such a mess as s*xual sin. I know no one is perfect but I never ever expected it. My husband was a righteous man. He feared God. He loved God. He would frown at adultery in marriage in  a heartbeat. When it happened,my husband apologized and begged me. I was so devastated. I was depressed for months.I couldn’t bring myself to see him as the man that I loved and married. It was such a big betrayal to me.

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Eventually,after like two years,I began to put the whole thing behind me. Or so I thought. As I say this, I am crying cos I dont know how this happened. But I became a gym fan after my husband’s affair. I thought he didnt like my body. I felt insecure about my looks so I began to gym and I was really good at it. But the problem started when I met a new guy at the gym. We started talking as just members of the same gym but it became a friendship over a few weeks. He would call me to find out why I was late to the gym or even absent. Sometimes,he would volunteer to be my gym partner. I guess I was just thrilled to have a man interested in me. He really encouraged me to follow through my keeping fit journey.

Something crazy happened one day. As we exercised,he was actually helping me to do my tummy exercises. And the next thing I know is,I had an orgasm!…It was so obvious that he noticed and I was embarrassed. He laughed and told me not to worry about it. That however opened up the opportunity for us to have conversations around sxual topics.It was flirty and we used to tease each other. Before I knew it,I was meeting him in a hotel and I slept with him. It happened once and I felt so horrible after. I was so sad afterwards. But the devil wasn’t through with me. Somehow,this guy convinced me that I was in love and he could make me happier. I never really had an orgasm with my husband. Most especially since his affair. This guy opened my eyes to a whole new sxual experience that I was not used to. I slept with him a second time before God arrested me. I stopped seeing this guy. I blocked his line and stopped going to the gym.

That was two years ago. Am afraid I didn’t tell my husband.For a long time I blamed him for this. Yes,if he hadn’t cheated,our marriage would still have been perfect.I would never have registered in a gym and I would never had met a guy to cheat with. I have prayed to God to forgive me but every time I pray,I feel convicted to confess to my hubby. The problem with that though,is I feel like,he would not forgive me. I feel like our marriage would not survive another infidelity. You know,its easy for women to forgive infidelity,men ,not so much. So ever since,I buried this secret with me but I get consumed every day by the guilt.

Please tell me what to do. I have been praying about this. Since reading stories from your blog,I have been getting a bit hopeful but I am also scared. I love my husband. I cry every time I make love to my husband cos the picture of this guy keeps flashing in my mind. I even think about it sometimes and it makes me feel worse.

We are trying to repair our marriage. Will telling my husband help or should I or just keep quiet and suffer this guilt in silence?

Sis Hannah,

Lagos

Photo Credits: NPR

 

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A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

9 COMMENTS

  1. Hello Sis Hannah,

    Thank you for reaching out to us. First thing first: You need to ask God to forgive you and also forgive yourself.

    Dont let the guilt kill you. What is done is done. Now,if you feel the only way you can find peace is by telling your husband,do it. Tell him and let him know you don’t expect him to forgive you. But if he can find it in his heart to forgive you the way you forgave him,then both of you can work on your marriage.

    Register with a professional marriage counselor to address the issues affecting your marriage. Clearly,there are underlying hurts that need to be addressed. Time heals but the scars are always a reminder of the past.

    Deciding to move on with a scar is a brave thing. You and your husband will always have those scars to remind you of your past but I pray it also reminds you of how much you both need each other. You both have hurt each other. you need to acknowledge that and decide to be better spouses. Become someone who will be loyal and stand and fight for their marriage. Challenges will always come but you need to stand and fight the good fight of faith.

    Spend a good amount of time praying. God will guide you. Its not going to be easy. But it will have to get hard first before it can be easy.

    At LS,we are here to help you. Our counselors are ready to assist you at no cost if you choose to speak to us.We are also praying for you. This too shall pass. Be strong,the worst is over.

    God bless

  2. When we ask God to forgive , He forgives Ps 103: 12 ‘He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west’.

    Please accept His forgiveness and cry out to Him (God) when you struggle in this area or with thoughts of the Gym man when with your Husband.

    As a married woman, you will meet attractive men but we guard our heart for out of it flows life, so we do not give life to what we shouldn’t. You did well breaking off completely from the Gym man eventually.

    No matter how we brood over the past, we can’t change it. May the Holy spirit bring complete healing to your marriage. Amen.

    As Christians, we have TODAY. Please spend more time together, open up communication lines, be kind and love each other more and more, attend good marriage programmes and together work on making your marriage all you want it to be from today.

    Should you tell your husband what happened ? Ideally yes, but can He deal with it? If you do decide to, please give Him some time to digest it and make allowance for doubts He may have sometimes but trust God to bring total healing. HE will. Amen.

    Please take care of your marriage, your husband, yourself, your family.

    ‘Let the peace of God rule in your heart’ Col 3:15a

  3. To add, part of the reason why you should let your husband know is because as a married woman/ man your body does not belong to you alone but your spouse, if shared with another / ‘joint’ with another your spouse should know ideally.

  4. You need to open up to your husband about what you did that is the only way you can get some peace about what you did. you also really need to pray about the whole thing that God will give your husband an understanding heart no matter how hurt he is . just trust in God and allow him to sort you out.

  5. Tell your husband, he deserves to know because you became one the day you married him. Remember your husband told you when it happened to him because he loves and respect you. I think he deserves same from you, it will not be easy but you have to do it to avoid the devil building strong hold in your home.
    Also, see the danger of not telling your husband, these gym guy may start to blackmail you and I am sure you don’t want it. May God heal you and your home.

  6. My dear I dnt think that telling ur hubby is a good idea oo. He will neva forgive u. It is easier for us women to forgive for d sake of d children and to keep our home. I will advice u not to tell him on, Put urself togeda and ask God for forgiveness, God is d only one that can forgive and forget. Telling ur hubby will break ur home.

  7. My dear sister pls u dont need to tell ur husband, no one is Perfect right, but it will be very difficult for ur husband to forgive and forget d case. Ladies/ woman forgive there husbands easily, Pray to God that he should forgive u and put urself together. It is well.

  8. Telling him is the best way to set yourself free from guilt, you made a mistake yes we know but you shouldn’t kill yourself over it. It’s called a MISTAKE and it should be corrected. Telling him will help you in correcting that mistake. I pray God will make your husband to understand and forgive you. God bless your home Amen

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