We got married against our parents wishes


Dear Jzhane,

I am very sad,please advice me.

Ike and I met in the UK four years ago during our masters study. We became quite close and began dating. A year later,Ike proposed to me. In 2015,Ike and I came home to meet our families. Ike’s parents and family lives in Enugu while my parents live in Benin.


Ike’s parents didn’t like the fact that Ike has engaged a non Ibo girl for marriage. They made it quite clear that they didn’t support the idea of our engagement. My parents on the other hand are Edo state,precisely from Benin. They thought that Ike’s parents dislike for me was a good reason to discontinue the relationship. Secondly,my father insisted that he would not be giving me out in marriage except Ike’s father lead the delegation for the introduction. It was hard to convince Ike’s parents. Ike and I were very distraught with the behavior of our families. We decided to get married in court without their consent. We also got married in church later on in 2016.

My parents especially my father is no longer speaking with me. He is so disappointed in the fact that his beloved daughter would get married without his blessings. I am also very unhappy about it and I have been trying to beg him but he has ordered me never to come to his house again. He disowned me and said if I ever showed up in his house he would arrest me. Truth is,my father would definitely keep to his promise if I showed up at his house without his consent. Men from my place are usually very proud and do not take likely to disrespect from anyone even their family members. That would make him feel less like a man in the community.

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On the flip side,Ike’s parents have also disowned him. At the time,we thought that going ahead to get married would change our parents mind about our marriage. But that has not been the case. Ike is very close to his mum,to be unable to talk to her is killing him. I am also sad with the situation on my side.

Six months ago,we were blessed with twins. I was unhappy for most of the pregnancy as I couldn’t share the joy of being a mother myself to my own family especially my mom. None of our parents came for the naming ceremony of our babies despite the fact that we invited them. I was really pained.

In as much as myself and my husband are happy together,sometimes,we cannot hide the feeling of sadness that comes when we think of the fact that our families are not happy with us.

Taking the counsel of our pastor,we reached out to some of our relatives on both sides to ask for our parents forgiveness. The feedback from Ike’s parents is that Ike must divorce me if they were to accept him back. That is so disheartening. I don’t know why they hate me so much. Is this how much tribalism has eaten deep into some people?

My mother sent me a text this morning,saying that she does not have anything against me but she cannot go against her husband.

Oh my God,this hurts. I don’t know what to do. Please if anyone has been in my situation before,please how did you manage it? I am very sad.

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From Omon.


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  1. God, this is the Height of tradition, pride and selfishness…my dear I feel your hurt n pains. Let commit it all to God. He alone can fix your present predicament.

    • Why didn’t they just pray and tarry for both parents to come to an understanding before they proceeded in getting married. No parent will take it. Not even the couple themselves will tolerate it from their twins. Yes the parents were being unreasonable, but it doesn’t give the children the right to go ahead and marry without their parents blessings. I even wonder at the pastor who joined the couple. Does he not know that the God Almighty he serves and professes respects and recognises the parental blessings in marriage union? I’m so sorry for the couple in question, but they only worsened the situation by their actions truth be told.
      Now the question they will ask is “what should they have done”? And the answer is that they should add wisdom and not foolishness to love, by waiting for approval no matter what. Their love is being tested in fire, a refining process is in motion that will eventually polish and strengthen their union when in marriage. I have seen this happen so many times and the couples in question eventually won.

      The way forward now is to first of all pray to God for forgiveness and seek for the forgiveness of their parents. If they refuse, continue to press on. Go through their mothers to reach their fathers. They will eventually succom.

      • @ Wilfred….what if the parents reason are not cogent?…will your happiness be dependent on your parents selfishness? If they had a good reason…but disagreeing for tribal reasons is selfish. Why wont parents just be happy of supportive of their children?..even if the children made the wrong choice,love for your child should over look such mistakes. Parents should not dictate how their grown up children should live or make life decisions for them. You raised them well,trust that they are smart to make decisions for themselves…just being a selfish parent is not right..I personally wont support it. So if the parents reason is purely based on tribalism…please they are right in getting married…they should only pray that their parents should come along later on in life..if not,its their parents lives…they lived theirs,live yours…irrespective..the fact that I want you in my life as my parent,you should never decide to rule my life for me…you have lived yours…let me live mine…let me make my own mistakes and learn from them.

  2. This is really serious. The deed has been done. You just need to keep praying for them for they maybe acting in ignorance. The most important thing is that you are happy, Both parents may still give approval and still yet ,you wont be happy . Just maintain the happiness and keep praying for them.Maybe at their old old age, they may call to ask for forgiveness .

    • @Romanic, this matter is a very serious one. It wont be easy at all especially for the lady.I know of someone who the wife left him after having three children and re-marry because her parent refuse to accept her back because she married agains their wish. The only way she was accepted back was for her to leave her husband and re-marry from her tribe. I just sent the guy this link, hope he opens it cos i know he might want to pour out his mind.He is badly hurt and still cant accept the fact that the love of his life is gone to be with another man leaving him alone with two boyz and a gal.

    • @ROMANIC…..You are right but its not easy to live without one’s parents in their lives. I think they have done enough on their own to win their parents. They just have to leave the remaining to God to intervene.

  3. You already made the mistake of marrying without your parents consent though its not enough reason for them to be this hardened. The only thing for you to do now is to patiently pray and wait.There is nothing prayers cannot change.


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