Friday, September 20, 2019
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Found Out My Fiance’s Bad Secret: Can I Still Marry Him?

Happy Weekend ma,

Please help me post. I am conflicted. I have known my fiance for exactly one year and two months. He proposed to me about three months ago. He is a great guy. I love him and we have planned our wedding for November/December this year.

Recently,he started having some challenges at work which he shared with me. I have been encouraging him and praying for him but it looks like things have gone from bad to worse. Now,he has been placed on final warning and probation if he does not meet his target.

This made him very stressed out. He works very hard and very late just trying to meet up. This has affected our relationship as I do not see him as often as I would have loved. Last week sunday,I decided to close from church early to go and spend some time with him. Sunday is the only time he rests.

On getting to his apartment which I have a key for,I noticed some smoke smell when I got to the door. I panicked,thinking something was burning and maybe he was sleeping,so I quickly opened the door even as I was shouting his name hoping to wake him up before he gets choked by the smoke.

Hmmm,…but soon as I burst in,I found my fiance lying on the floor and he was smoking something like cigarette in his hand. I was shocked and looked at him in disbelief. Now,my fiance is someone I know is a good christian. He does not smoke or drink or womanize. Seeing a stick of cigarette in his hand was like a terrible drama.

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He was surprised to see me and quickly went to put out the cigarette. I asked him when did he start smoking. That was when he confessed that he used to be a chain smoker but he stopped years ago. However,he finds himself going back to smoking when he is under intense pressure like what he is going through at work.

I reacted a bit too much and it led to our argument. I told him I was disappointed he was living a secret life of smoking. It was not even ordinary cigarette,it was weed. I left angrily when he tried to even justify smoking as not a sin but a bad habit. For me,its a sin…I mean,its not like I preach holier than thou but how many sins are in the bible…must everything be in the bible.

Well,he called me to apologize later but I told him I cannot marry him if anytime he is under pressure he will go and be smoking weed. That is not the kind of man I want to be married to or to be the father of my children. Life has challenges,it does not mean we should go and do things that do not glorify God .

He promised me that he will never do that again. Well,he came to pick me for church this morning. On our way,we were stopped by FRSC men. They asked for his papers. I helped him get them from the glove compartment. That was where I saw a half smoked weed. I pretended I did not see it cos of the officials. As we drove away,I asked him why he had a half smoked weed,he said its from last time but I know he is lying.

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Now,I have trust issues.I never saw this coming. It ruined my day today. I kept doubting that he has truly stopped smoking. What if he has an addiction? What if he smokes and gets high and starts to misbehave…what if this weed smoking makes him mad…I am scared and very much in doubt if I can go through marrying my fiance after what I just found out about him…

Please advice me.

Vera (Not Real Name)

Surulere,Lagos

 

Photo Credit:Medical News Today

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Jzhane
A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

3 COMMENTS

  1. Hello Vera,

    Smoking is a bad vice..a bad habit and bad habits do not glorify God…

    He may have told you he went back to smoking because he was under stress,that is a red flag…the fact that he was hiding it is another red flag

    Meaning that smoking weed is his defense mechanism when he faces challenges? Weed is a big deal…

    He needs to find a better habit to replace this smoking…he needs to talk to a professional …get help professionally

    My advice: do not break up with him…let him get professional help and he has to agree that he would never hide this from you again.Smoking. takes time to quit…he may relapse but with proper support team,he can get it off his system….so you have to be patient

    If he is sincere…be patient…post pone the wedding to see how much he is willing to get himself fixed …let him get healthier ways to cope with difficulties…not smoking…

    You guys need some time to figure how he can beat this before you go on with your marriage…

    Get him to get help and see how that goes…if it does not go well,you have a choice to make.

    God bless.

  2. My dear open your eyes God is giving you signs. That guy will never change he is already addicted to it.
    Get out of that relationship before it’s too late.

  3. You need to ask yourself if smoking is a deal breaker for you? If smoking is a deal breaker for you, then you need to put a hold and a break on the relationship and all the marriage plan.
    Tell him to work on himself, mentally, psychologically and spiritually. He has to stop smoking and find other decent ways to deal with pressure. Because the truth is, marriage will come with a lot of pressures and if his way of dealing with pressure is smoking weed, then he will smoke a lot of weed when you guys get married. He may even go for something higher like taking drugs or even cocaine.

    So take a break from him, let him go work on himself first before you proceed.

    Above all, pray very well about your marriage to him. Make sure you hear from God and get a confirmation from God about marrying him before you go ahead with it.

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