Please forgive me. I am crying as I write this. I have begged God to forgive me and I believe he has but this guilt has refused to leave me alone.
I have been married for six years. I married as a virgin. My husband was surprised at my lack of experience and he tried to teach me everything about sex but I was not good enough for him I think.
So,every day,he would say degrading things to me. I started to hate sex. I would just lie there and let him do whatever he wanted. He would complain that I am like a dead body.no moaning,etc.
Sex became more boring when I got pregnant. He finally allowed me to be. Cos,I think he got tired of my attitude. He would prefer to masturbate and frankly speaking,I did not care,after all,I was pregnant.
However,something strange began to happen to me. I began to crave sex during my 7th and 8th month of pregnancy. I tried to go to my husband and he pushed me away. I tried several times and the best he did was give me 5 seconds of penetration before release.
We quarreled and grew further apart sexually. I was angry at him for treating me this way after all,I was a virgin for him. I even regretted being a virgin for marriage. It was not worth the ingratitude I was getting.
During my ante natal visits to the hospital,my Doctor noticed my demeanor. He was very concerned and kind to me. He became a little too friendly. He was carrying out an examination on me one day and I had an orgasm. I was embarrassed. He told me not to be.
I noticed he was smiling and I asked him why…he said he can give me more orgasms if I wanted. I thought he meant through the usual examination so I said how…he locked his office and went down on me and gave me head.
I was shocked but I did nothing. I allowed him give me a head,finger me and he eventually f*cked me in his office.I had several orgasms in less than 3 mins. I could not shout. I left his office so satisfied and feeling guilty.
I prayed to God to forgive me that day. I cried too. But when Dr H called me to meet him at a hotel,I did not think. I met with him for almost 2 months,having regular and sweet sex with my Doctor.
We stopped after I gave birth. He actually left the hospital cos there were multiple reports about him having affairs with different ladies. But I learnt so much from him sexually. That my husband now benefits.
My marriage is doing very well. Me and my husband have sex regularly and I give it to him very well. I lied that I learned new tricks through watching porn but my conscience pricks me every time.
I have prayed and prayed for forgiveness. I feel God has forgiven me but when I lost my two last pregnancies,I began to feel it has to do with my indiscretion with my husband. Yes,I lost two pregnancies,one in the 4th month…the second one in the 6th month.
Medically,they say its ovarian cyst issue but I cant help but feel that if I do not confess to my husband …I will not be able to carry another baby to full term. But telling him is the end of my marriage I am sure…
So here is my guilt and my confusion. Our first child is 5 years…I have been trying to conceive since…maybe I should forget about ever conceiving? I need advise…
Photo Credit:Ebony Magazine