Almost 4 Years Of Fighting For My Marriage…Maybe Its Time To Move On?

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Good Morning Ma,

I want to thank you specially for the good work God is using you to do on your blog. How you are helping people with problems,the godly advice that you give. I applaud your consistency. I dont know whether anybody is paying you but I want to tell you that God will reward you abundantly.

So I read one of your stories last two weeks where a woman is married to a man that is sick for almost three years and she wants to leave the marriage. I cried when I read that because I am also in that same situation. All the responses people are giving,they really encouraged me. But I decided to write cos some people dont seem to understand how hard it is. You cannot imagine the trauma a woman who is married to a vegetable is facing.

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I got married about five years ago. I was pregnant with my first child when me,my husband and two other people were travelling to the East for Christmas had an accident. My husband was the one driving. One person died,the other person sustained serious injury,my husband to was seriously injured. He was in coma for almost two months. I even though I was seven months pregnant,my injuries did not affect the pregnancy. I was put in intensive care though for one month cos they feared I would go into after shock and maybe loose the baby. But God was faithful,I had a CS on the eight month. God gave us a healthy baby boy,we called him Chukwuegbuka.

But my husband was not so successful, The accident left him in the hospital for the next one year. He was at the time completely paralysed from his waist down. He couldn’t use his legs,he couldnt stand or sit by himself. He would poo and pee on one spot. It was very difficult for us. After a year,he was discharged for us to go and manage him from home. That was three and half years ago. Since then,my husband has progressed from being in a wheel chair to using a walker but the sad part is,he does not have any stamina for intercourse. He can cuddle me,we kiss and all but thats all. I know many people will say I should be grateful for this but the truth is,its the hardest thing I ever faced in my life.

I havent been with any man. I have urges. I cry every day. My husband too feels frustrated about his condition. Sometimes he goes into depression. We talk about this and my husband has even given me go ahead to sleep with any man I choose as long as I use protection. But my heart cannot do it. We are Christians. I cannot betray him. I feel like he is saying that to make me happy but if I actually do it, it would break his heart totally.

Ma,I read all the comments to the other lady,some telling her to be patient,that God is testing her,etc..I mean,that is good but the truth is,at the end of the day,we are humans. And I will not blame her if she goes to find a man to sleep with her. Even my family has held a meeting and decided that I move on. The doctors have said that my husband will not even be able to father another child, the accident made him impotent. He can never be able to make love to me or any other woman for the rest of his life. I am 26 years old. Is this what I will endure for the rest of my life?

Every day I cry,every day I ask God why..sometimes,I am angry with my husband. I curse the day I met him but I look at my son and I am again thankful. Your readers may give me the same advice that they gave the other woman. But I want us to be all truthful. Look at the situation again,this time very objectively,putting yourselves in our shoes. If it was you,what would you really do?

More importantly,since my husband has given me go ahead to meet with other men,do you think I should go ahead? Surely,wont even God understand? Please help me answer these two major questions. For now,I am trying,but I dont know what tomorrow may bring. I dont know how much longer I can stay strong.

Your advises are most welcome. Please dont judge me,try to put yourself in my shoes first…God bless.

From Anonymous,

Sango Ota

Editor’s note:

This story came to us a few days ago and its so heart breaking that we have been struggling with posting it cos the advice to give this young woman is the hardest….we cannot begin to imagine..but please drop your comments.we appreciate them

 

Photo Credits: acookingpotandtwistedtales

 

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A passionate people and godly relationship advocate!...Trained Psychologist and Human Resources Practioner. A seasoned Marriage and relationship counsellor. A mother, wife, sister, friend and daughter. J

17 COMMENTS

  1. Hmm,

    I have prayed to God to give me the right words to advice in this particular story. I am at loss even as I attempt to write now,so please pardon me if my advice does not sound agreeable to you.

    First,I want you to know that God loves you my dear sister. He loves you and he loves your husband and he spared your lives for a reason. That reason is that you will have to turn your pain to a higher purpose

    Maybe that purpose is so that you can be a beacon of light to other people in your similar situation.

    Maybe you should start looking at the problem as a blessing. When you do,a miracle will begin to happen. My dear,your husband gave you permission to go out..its not your husband’s place to give you permission,the only one who can do that is God!

    Marriage is not just a covenant with your husband,it is also a bigger bond with God.

    The human part of me would advice you to make use of toys to get some level of pleasuring for yourself. That helps a little.

    But the main thing is,I want you to begin to focus on the purpose of all this. You both could have died in that accident,but you lived. Ask God to reveal that divine purpose for you.

    Do you know the gospel singer Ayefele? God used him as a gospel singer to bless lots of people after his accident that left him confined. My dear,ask God for strength. I will be praying for you and I ask everyone reading this to remember you always in their prayers.

    There is a reason for this,focus on it…in that purpose is the miracle that youand your husband deserves.

    Remember Job in the bible? My sister,dont curse God and die…fight for your purpose. Be brave…you can do it.

    Begin to reach out to people having similar issues like you. Form a support group they can count on. Share your stories to motivate others..turn your pain to passion…dont give up…you will testify!

    I love you my sister…stay strong,Our God has got your back even in your weakness..dont ever forget that!

    My love to your husband. Stay blessed!

  2. This situation is pathetic and a very difficult one to give an advice. But lets look at this way. Think about reverend sisters who decide to live without a man or become celibates and concentrate all their efforts in serving God. You could get consolation from that. Since your husband is not completely paralysed. Let him learn the act of foreplay. If he does it well you may enjoy or get the sexual feeling that can be better than the real intercourse. Sex toys are options though people may condemn this. But the truth is that it could be the better option in this situation as much as you do not want to cheat on your husband; despite his approval. This is just my opinion. May the lord strenghten you

  3. As difficult as this maybe for you I will still advice you remain faithful to tour husband even if you have his consent to meet another man pls don’t do it. Marriage is a covenant dt you made before God and man. Even if man understands why you have to do what you have to do will God understands. Pls stay put and keep looking to God he is the author and finisher of your faith.stay strong.

  4. Hmmmm, truly with tears I feel ur pains. But the truth must be told! Marriage is honourable and the bed undefiled. I have a deep conviction inside me that u will come back to tell this platform good news. Never yield to Satan, God will raise u up. Keep praying n wish ur husband good. Plz tell him u won’t sleep with any man. It will encourage him the more. “Since, I was born and now I’m old, I never seen the righteous forsaken nor his seed begging bread” Ps37:25….He sees u wherever u re. Thank u!

  5. Dear Ma, there is no words that can describe what you are going through but it never be bigger than God. Apostle Paul talks about an evil day. Evil day comes to every Christian but diff ways ,it now depends on how you handle it. It may be difficult but be careful the thought you allow into your mind,let the word of God guide you. Any act to have sex with another man while your husband is alive is adultery and a sin before God. As Sis J said, we will be praying for you. God strengthen you.

  6. Hmm. Very touchy! I want to quote Ogaga above, “plz tell your husband that you won’t sleep with any man”. I think that’s the best form of support you can give.. Please tell him that, and be sure you mean it! It can even provoke a miracle. Stay strong and do not cheat on your husband please. I know it’s not easy. You will be glad you did. And please, don’t listen to friends who will try to tell you all manner of things to make you feel you are missing out. If possible, cut off from such people and surround yourself with people that will help you stay upright. God truly bless you.

  7. Dear,

    Everything will be alright.

    Like you have done in the past, let the pain and passion drive you to your knees, cry out to God, He hears ,understands and will answer. After praying switch to praise.

    Ruth lost her husband, it is like you losing the part of him that satisfies your desires.
    Ruth was deprived of s.xual pleasures, she kept herself and God rewarded her in the end.

    1) Your prayers can cause God to heal your husband.

    2) You can ask God to take away the desire from you for now, it’s a gift from the Lord e.g Paul had it ( 1 Cor 7:7)

    3) Your husband can find ways to satisfy you

    Please stay strong for your family.

    ‘A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord’. 1 Cor 7:39

    It will be ok in the end.

  8. Dear sista, i’d want you to realise this: this present time in human history has seen a great rise in hopeless situations that trump preceeding times, & human solutions have thinned out & increased in failure rate. So many of these situations act as a nudge to shift the focus of people from man to God. I’d tell you my story…

    Some years ago my dad suddenly had a stroke that paralysed him, which strained my mom in many areas. After so many visits to private hospitals & a masseuse, he landed in LUTH, rushed into the emergency ward. From there he was admitted & thus began his 3+ month stay in hospital.

    At one time my mom was so strained she thought to give up & walk away….thank God she didn’t else that would have been a death sentence for my dad.

    All this while i was praying for him, until one day, my Pastor instructed that my siblings & i take a certain time to pray for my dad. *We did as instructed* & watched for his recovery.

    A few weeks later, one evening while he was still in the hospital, my dad gave up the ghost, throwing every medical personnel assigned to that floor into a confused state. Dad was doing fine, & suddenly he was gone??? How???

    A young doctor came to my dad’s bedside & tried to resuscitate him; it didn’t work. This doctor said he was moved to go to my dad’s ear & shout his name….

    …..it worked…with a jolt my dad came to, & you can imagine the inexplicable joy in that room that day, considering they’d wheeled out about 4 people who’d died in that 4-bed ward, in the 3 months my dad was there.
    For some reason my dad didn’t share his experience with us, but year later he told us God gave him a second chance, & he changed his birthdate from December 24 to March 17, the day he revived…

    Why this story you might ask? I’d like you to appreciate something that’s been right with you…. that’s your faith in Jesus Christ.

    Before i responded to your story, i thought about the different other supposed solutions you might consider, but like you know, they all come up short, & some have dangerous consequences that would be too difficult to undo.

    The simple solution to this issue is for your husband to be whole again! How would you achieve this?
    In your post you pointed out that you both are Christians…
    *Do you believe in miracles??*
    Instead of fixating on how to satisfy your sexual urges, do what a Christian would do.. fill your heart with God’s Word & get your man out of that wheelchair.

    You’re yet very young & energetic; take out 6 months to work out a miracle for your husband if you truly love him.
    You see, Christians aren’t hopeless; situations like these come to us sometimes to build our faith muscles. This is not the time to run, noooo, this is the time to strengthen your faith in God, & to focus on HIM totally.
    Invest the next 6 months to feeding your spirit with God’s Word, & enjoy the rest of your life with your husband sound & bubbling with health & very deep gratitude to God first, & to you his loving wife, so working a miracle.

    You may have friends that may suggest some funny solutions to you, but dear sista, the permanent solution lies in God’s Word.

    I shared my story with you to let you know it’s not far-fetched, & that what God does for one, HE can do for another in the same circumstance.

    If you need help on this path i’ve shared with you, i’d be willing to help thru our loving sista Jennifer…

    • God bless you sis for this comment. Very inspiring and spirit filled. I hope she reads your reply and pray for her husband’s total healing. Amen

      • I cried out while reading ur story bcos d situation u r is too serious n NO ONE can give u an advice BUH just a minor problem in d eyes of our Lord,the finisher of our faith.
        In age,u r young n I believe Al u need is to SEEK GOD’s FACE n ask him to divinely direct d right steps to make.
        In marriage,u collect a CERTIFICATE wiout finishing d course unlike while in school ,SO my dear sister, Al u nid is NOT SEX in d spiriual mind buh to move closer to d one dat can DO WHAT NO MAN CAN’T DO.
        Ur trust in God, prayer n faith in God wld surely turn everything for ur good ijn.
        Make sure u watch n listen to daddy G.O (pastor Enoch Adeboye) Redeem Christian Church programme on TV every (1st friday every month) for his service n join ur faith with peoples testimonies n I believe u n ur family shall have a testimony ijn. Blessed will u b ijn.

  9. I do not mean to judge you.but please think on this. What would have happened if you were involved in that accident and in ur husbands place now? God forbid but its the reality.the decision is yours to make either to stand by him or not.

  10. My dear God has the final say in your husbands life. Forget about what the doctor has proclaimed it’s only the cancel of the lord shall stand. Whenever you feel honey your husband should use his tongue to stimulate your clitoris and you will feel good. Pls don’t sleep with another man. May the Grace Of God be with you

  11. I feel your pains. It is very hard to bear but i assured you God is not yet done with your situation and your husband. If you tarry a while God will manifest his greatness in this situation.

    Don’t go and sleep with any man. The marriage covenant is not between you and your husband alone, God is involved.

    Ayefele was told he will never get erection but When God rosed in his situation, he has four kids after the fatal accident.

    It might take years but God want to use you as a testimony for many.

    Don’t feel we are not considering your human nature, we perfectly understand you but we will not be on the side of the flesh at d detriment of the spirit.

    I pray God will give you the strength to surge on. Your testimony is very close.

  12. Miracles still happen sister. In ALL THINGS give thanks to God, (u may say it is easier said when u are not the one involved) for He knows best. Right in this crisis moment He is near by you, draw grace from Him. I want you to meet with women like Anna in Luke 2:36; Naomi and Ruth in d book of Ruth. Try learn something unique from them, how they turn their moment of pains and trial to serving God extra ordinary way, and how God honour them.

    I’m glad, finance don’t seems to be a problem as at present.

    Like Goodness said, supposing you were the one incapacitated by d accident? Wouldn’t you expect ur hubby to stay by you, no matter the case? It is just fate that made him to be where he is right now. The only person that can give him hope is you.

    From history, miracle of this kind comes faster and timely because of the dedication and committment of the partner, with exception of Job’s wife.

    I prayed for u this afternoon, and I will pray for you again. #Godatwork#

  13. I cried all through your story. Both for you and your husband who obviously loves you and appreciate your being there for him. My dear, if you leave him to move on with your life, you break his heart and probably kill him. I know it’s killing him to know that he’s not man enough anymore so please try not to make it worse. If you take another lover, you probably fall in love with him and this will make you hate your husband even more. Pray God for the right direction to take and maybe consider getting sex toys to use with him. Sometimes it’s not the sexual act itself that satisfies, but the one that you love who gives you so much joy through that act. You’re blessed.

  14. I feel really sorry for your husband for what he is going through, despite all you have said it doesn’t justify ur total unhappiness, see I am a woman and will stand by my husband till the end, and hand it over to God Almighty cos my love for him is devine and a vow for eternity, sex is not the ultimate Rather I will change the sexual posture. Christ was nailed on the cross for us he will never forsake us believe and trust in him and u will see that he is able to do all things, well I am sorry to say that ur husband deserves better that what u doing right now. And if u still love him which I doubt stand by him and make him happy the accident wasnt his making rather thank God u both made it

  15. Hmm.. dis is serious, especially since our wedding vows always comes with “for better, for worse”..
    No one eva imagines dat worse, until it comes..

    Dis is probably “ur worse” in this marriage, nd I appreciate d fact dat ur husband undastnd wat u r going tru cos he is a man nd has dose sexual urges possibly more dan u do..except for his weakness in performin..

    No man is eva happy wen dey cannot satisfy dia wife.. its enof to commit suicide for dem.cos it kills dia ego..d second tin is money..

    If dis wia “ur better” like him becomin a millionaire, we wouldnt b discussing dis..

    Am still single nd am 26 nd I can imagine ur fears..cos u r still young..
    I will try not to go all churchy on u cos tins happen nd we tend to forget dat we r still in d human flesh nd such tins wen dey happen, even d mighthy can fall.. d problem is wen d trouble is takin away from u, can u still trace urself back to God..

    It is dat underlying qustn dat I will use to plead wit u not to sleep wit anoda man.. for d sake of God nd for d sake of ur husband’s heart.. truth b told, if he suddenly gets healed, he will likely neva forgiv u if u sleep wit som1else.. yes, he wantd u to b happy, but such fulfillment nd happiness is temporal..

    Just imagine it: wen u go to dat mans house nd u r done, u return back to ur husbands home to take care of him nd ur baby (unless, u r walking out of d marriage final, who will u leave d care of ur husband to? His family?)..nd ur husband is watchin.. he will divorce you nd kip dat baby as a punishment d moment he gets healed..cos he cnt trust ur fidelity anymore.. he will hv dat impression dat u now hv choices. “if wen he is sick, u went ahead nd slept around, wat will she do wen I hv a business appointment abroad nd hv to b gone for 1 month..” u cnt convince him odawise..

    My dear, its painful..but dia r oda ways ur husband can satisfy u in bed.. ur desires r for him alone.. since he has enof strength to kiss nd cuddle, let him perform oral on u..most women hv orgasm from stimulating d clitoris nd not necessarily d thrusting of penis.. re-invent ways wit him, dat can pleasure u both witout stressin his physical strength.. u both can source oda ways nd am sure dat ur husband will b open to try anytin to make u sexually fulfilled, as long as it doesnt stress his physical strength..

    pls, dnt subscribe to sex toys..it makes sexual xperience selfish, seeking for only ur own nd removes d cova of intimacy..

    Ur husband will love u more nd giv his life for u by d act of stayin by him..he is sufferin more dan u.. imagine if u wia incapable of breastfeeding ur baby, u would feel empty nd useless.. oda mothers will look at u as worthless..dat feeling should help u undastnd ur husband.. would u want ur baby to run to anoda mother for breastmilk?

    Learn to communicate more..talk deeply wit him.. fall in love with d new man ur husband is now.. get to dat level of love in friendship such dat u cnt hv it any oda way wit any man.. play wit him, laf wit him, joke wit him, dance wit him(yea, pple on wheel chair dance in it)..

    Accept ur new husband d way he is, my dear.. dat acceptance will manifest in d way u serve him food, d way u talk to him, d way u cling to him.. he is ur man, forget his incapacity..on his birthday, dress soo sexily..nd serve him d best meal..

    Dese actions will cause love to grow in u nd u will c ur husband’s confidence increase.. he may or maynot recova, but u both will develop in measures u cannot comprehend..

    Above all, kip praying.. dia r days u will b ovawhelmed..dnt lash out on ur husband.. wen dat happens, kip running back to God for strength to sustain u nd ur marriage..

    Best of all, ur son will grow up wit d important lesson of commitment in marriage..he will learn to solidly stand for his wife..bcos his mother could do it..nd he saw d effect on his father..

    May God continually kip u in Jesus’ name. Amen.

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