Every girl grows up wanting the perfect everything.
We want the perfect job, the perfect mate, the perfect wedding, marriage, the perfect life. As young girls, we paint the picture of what our mate will look like, our children’s names, and our perfect careers.
Once we reach adulthood though, many of our dreams have been tarnished in some fashion.
We have experienced what hurt, fight, perseverance, rejection, and accomplishment feels like. Fairy-tale lives have been awakened with reality. Despite this, we still have in our minds that there are things that are still within our reach.
Finding that true love is one.
Fast-forward… you have the wonderful marriage and the two children you dreamt about. Life is good, so it seems, until your world comes crashing down. You happen to stumble upon evidence that your mate has been having an affair.
What do you do?
The one thing you never thought he would do, has been done. Questions begin to flood your mind.
How can this be? When does he have the time?
Even when he’s gone, we converse throughout the day.
He didn’t show any signs.
Where did he meet her? Do I really want to know the truth?
We pray together. We worship together. Have I done anything to make him do this?
There are so many things you don’t understand, but you know that you still love him. You want to be angry, and do all of the things you think are right to do in this situation, but for some reason your response is different. You’re too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it, but know this is a situation you have to process.
The question is: How do you heal from infidelity?
I had to confront the situation.
I did not confront the woman who was willingly involved, but I had to confront the situation of admission. Admit that I did not have the perfect marriage; and that he and I were both capable of shortfalls.
I had to admit that I was beyond angry… embarrassed… that I wanted to scream, kick, throw things. And that it was not easy to forgive and move past this.
The biggest and hardest admission was the reality that I still loved him and could not see life without him.
After admission, I had to communicate.
I let him know how I felt. Let him hear and acknowledge the pain he inflicted on me. I communicated the fact that he put us in danger and didn’t only disappoint me; he reneged on his promise to me and to God.
I painted the picture that he allowed someone else to share our vows, and it was up to him to mend them back together. That I knew I was not the blame for his infidelity; this was a choice he made of his own free will.
Next, I had to listen.
I had to listen to his reasoning and to his apology. To his tears and his heart. I had to listen to my own heart too.
Even though I wanted to do what I thought most sista girls would do in this situation, I found myself in my prayer closet seeking direction. Listening to what God was telling me to do instead of what I thought was right.
Lastly, I had to walk.
I had to walk in the reality that this happened and rebuild the trust we once shared.
I had to walk in believing him when he said he would not allow a wedge to be drawn between us. Heal from hurt or embarrassment and walk in wanting to get revenge, but choosing not to.
I had to walk in love and continue to do the things I did prior to infidelity. I knew that this walk would be a long one, but it would be done.
The process has made us stronger, and has also made us wiser.
We have learned how to escape before finding ourselves in situations that can lead to other areas. How to communicate more about our feelings, admit to our downfalls, and confront without conflict.
And how to respect the promise we made before God to become considerate of each other’s feelings and make selfless decisions.