Many people assume that marital sx is either a never-ending thrill ride or tired drudgery. The truths, obviously, are as distinct as there are unique couples in the world. Regardless of whether you and your partner begin your sxual relationship on the night after your wedding or much earlier, you’re wise to assume that your relationship in the bedroom will evolve over time. A great sx life is based in communication and being generous and responsive; everything else is actually surprisingly similar to good relationship advice in general! Here are some smart ways to think about your married sx life to avoid creating unrealistic expectations.
- You’re In it for the Long Haul
Early in marriage, sx can be spontaneous and exciting, but the foundations you want to lay include continuing to grow with your partner. Over the years, you’ll most likely find new things that excite you and your husband or wife, and it’s important to be ready to change together over time to fit those things. Try to resist the need to impress each other in ways that don’t feel authentic to yourself. Do what you are genuinely interested in trying, and trust that your best sx will be the s*x you’re excited to participate in.
- You May Need Some Time to Get Comfortable
While many married couples have had time to get accustomed to each other sxually, you may find that getting married throws off your rhythm. Some couples also start their sxual relationship after marriage, and there can be some pressure to instantly have great sx. If your wedding night, or even the honeymoon, doesn’t have that “amazing sx” quality, accept that you have your whole life together to get to know each other fully. The best s*x in your life is most likely yet to come, once you are fully and completely comfortable together.
- Try Not to Operate in “Shoulds”
Assuming that your sx life should look like a movie or TV show, or some other stereotype you’ve developed, is a recipe for unhappiness and insecurity. Rather than thinking about how your sx life “should” be, think about what is best for you and your partner, and aim toward that. If you have sx more often or less often, or in a different way than what you expected, try to let it go! Other people aren’t the ones who live in your marriage: you are. If you feel upset about the way your married sxual life is going, try to decide if it’s because you actually have a problem with it or if it’s because you’re simply afraid of other’s judgement.
- Bad S*x Doesn’t Mean Your Relationship Is Bad
Don’t get caught up in thinking that one experience of bad sx, or even a rough streak, means that something is wrong between the two of you. Know that it’s a phase or simply one day, and your relationship is so much more than an ineffective or awkward sxual encounter. So many other things in your life can affect whether s*x is a positive experience or not, so it’s wise to focus on protecting your relationship from such negativity.
- Communication Is so Key
Most of the tough problems in your relationship, including the sxual components, can be overcome through good communication. Realizing that any dissatisfaction on your part can be solved by enlisting your partner to be part of the solution can turn a less positive sx life into a chance for even deeper intimacy.
- Living Together Means You Need to Keep the Spark Alive
Many people forget that everything contributes to your attraction to each other. When you live together, you have the opportunity to share many “uns*xy” moments; do what you can to avoid getting so comfortable together that you’re more like no-holds-barred roommates. If you notice that the way you spend time together takes away some of the “mystery,” consider how you can make sure you both still find each other attractive and arousing.
- Accept That You Will Both Grow Together
Even if sx has been great throughout your marriage, there may be seasons of your life together where one or both of you are not quite as “into it” as before. After having children, for instance, many marriages have to re-learn how to fit sx into their newly-busy lives. This isn’t a problem! Rather, accept that you are committed to be many different people throughout your lives, and to let your s*x life evolve through that time. What was fun and crazy early on may seem utterly unattainable 10 years in, and that’s not even a bad thing!
Not all of these items will be relevant in every marital sx life, but generally, expectations are the most important part of how a sxual experience happens. Our minds are a major part of our experiences of s*x, so most of these points are about guarding and protecting your mind from insecurity, doubt, or external expectations.